Passive Aggression

By Mezie Okolo

There are different personality traits, while some people are easy to deal with, others are very crafty. In the workplace, if someone is hot tempered or just aggressive in his approach to things, it is easy to handle. We may not all agree on the approach, but we will naturally come up with a coping mechanism that works for our own personality trait, without creating an unhealthy work environment. If you have such a person as sibling, you probably don’t want to talk to him...if you have him as a boss, you probably want to apply for another job as quickly as you can...if you have him as an employee, you will probably get rid of him if you can. Nobody wants to put up with such a behavior for too long.

What is even worse is passive aggression. Dealing with passive aggressors can be tacky, as they are sneaky and snaky...when you think they are going east they go west. Nobody would believe or imagine the emotional trauma they put you through because they look harmless and peaceful. They subtly make the workplace hostile and even when you go out of your way to make them happy, your effort will neither be acknowledged nor appreciated. They avoid holding conversations and they act as if they know everything, yet they do not communicate nothing. They are wise in their own eyes and they don’t usually make eye contacts. They are always right because they haven’t given themselves a chance to listen to a different argument. They tell themselves they deserve the world for showing up and they expect that everybody should take their side and celebrate them. They may call truth lies, and you would believe them until you listen attentively to the other party. Beware of the danger of a single story.

Passive aggressors walk and behave as if they cannot harm a fly but they would kill an elephant and deny it. Passive aggression sounds like an oxymoron but that is the problem, and that is who they are. A passive aggressive person could break a bank and you would bet your life for him. They may even start crying as though they are innocent and oppressed until you begin to gather the facts and push emotions to the side. If you start investigating them, they adopt emotional blackmail to ward you off and point you in the wrong direction. You would believe their story even when it was a well calculated alibi, meant to deceive. They are sentimental fake. If they commit a crime, investigators must earn their wages trying to nail them to it.

Passive aggressive people are obstinate but very deceptive. They aggravate you but want everybody to see you as the aggressor. I don’t know if anybody has had any experience of the picture I am painting. They are everywhere and they come in different shades. Sometimes we make the mistake of coloring it with race and mis -classifying it as racism if they have different skin color. But then you realize they do it to people of the same race too. They even do it to family. They are not confrontational, but they are acidic...they eat like the cankerworm. They can find everything wrong with everybody but nothing wrong with themselves. They are very suspicious, and they watch your every step with sinister mind. They are very manipulative. Don't even make the mistake of disagreeing with them, you become an enemy to be eliminated in silence. When you offend them, and apologize to them, it is not over. Several years down the line, it will be brought up again against you.

Passive aggressive people can set members of a team against one another, and you cannot pin them to it. They can set a house on fire, raise alarm, and present themselves as innocent.

When you ask them, they give you an answer they believe you want to hear, and then they sneak in to do something different. They may even start rumor and appear as if they have no idea what you talk about. If they pick your slack at work, the world must know it to give them all the credit. When you are not there, they use you to shine but as soon as you come, they fake a smile and appear as though they are your friends. But they do not have genuine smile or laughter. If you want to be their friend, then you realize how cold, boring and distant they are. They are very negative…nothing is done well except the things they did. You don’t know what you are doing unless you do it the way they approve of.

If you have such a person in your network, mark them and watch them. They will not clap when you are winning. They are competing with you, and you do not even know it. They are interpreting your jokes negatively, your laughter critically and your friendship gestures cynically. You must be someone that pays attention to details to figure out what they do and who they are. In positions of leadership, they are the most difficult to work for. You cannot please them. They are the least hospitable of people and they could be obnoxious to put it in perspective. You give them gifts, you must be up to something sinister, yet they don't know how to be friendly. They don’t give. They are transactional.

Wouldn’t you want to work for someone you could tell when he is angry and when he is happy? Every day is not sunshine, and every day is not gloomy.... when someone’s day is always so so...chances are that they are passive aggressors. Watch out for them and tread cautiously. They are unpredictable and they can ruin your career. I have met them in my twenty years of career. They hate you for being you and they do not want to openly admit it. I’d prefer you and I agree that you don’t like me, and I don’t like you, so we keep our meetings and discussions official, especially when and if we must work together. We can keep our differences at the door when we get to work, then pick them back up on our way out.

Passive aggression in the workplace, at home, in the community...anywhere is a no no. You don't want an enemy disguising as a friend...those are wrapped in passive aggressors. If you know anybody like that, maybe a counselor can help them if they ever admit that they need help, otherwise just avoid them so they don’t mess up your day, your week, your career or even your life. They don’t do well with counselors too because they think the counselor does not know what he is doing.

As a leader who has a passive aggressive teammate, you must know who s/he is and pay close attention. You must familiarize yourself with the policies of your company and document discussions that you had with your associates. Even if you want to get rid of him/her from your team, you must have preponderance of documented evidence. If you write him/her up, get ready for open door. They don’t leave peacefully and quietly; they want to spoil the minds of the other team members. If they must go down, they want everybody to go down with them. Anything you said to or did with them is in public domain, so you better mark your words and behave accordingly. If wisdom is needed in leadership, dealing with passive aggressors is one area your wisdom will get tested.?If you have a boss, partner with him/her in whatever strategy you adopt to manage this associate. (To be continued)

Mezie Okolo, PhD is an Independent Leadership Consultant & Social Epidemiologist @ The Rite Place, www.mezieokolo.com