Passion and Stability

Over the years of working as a couples counsellor, I noticed that some of my clients seem to thrive on passion and excitement when it comes to relationships and others seem to thrive on stability?and security.?

It is interesting to me to discover during my couples therapy sessions where these differences in desire and “requirements” come from. Most people don’t take the time to reflect on their own motivations and drivers for getting into a relationship and even less time reflecting on?why?those happen to be so important to them.?

For example, I had a client for relationship counselling who first came to see when she and her partner were at a major cross roads because they were constantly arguing and things had become quite toxic and explosive. When I ask couples to answer the question:?“What attracted you to each other in the beginning?”?their answers are very telling. In this particular?case, she described how there was very strong physical and sexual attraction and that although she saw some red flags about her partner’s history (abuse, abandonment and trauma), the energy was electric. She also mentioned that his desire for her and the amount of energy he put into chasing her were very appealing to her.?

During our individual session she also disclosed that she had ignored the obvious signs of his checkered past and involvement in Sydney’s underworld because she felt that he had been through so much and that she empathised with where he came from and that maybe she could “save him from himself”.?

This generated a level of excitement for her and although his behaviour continued – he started lying about messaging other women, where he was at certain times and how he made his money – she chose to ignore these signs because she loved the passion and excitement. On further questioning in her individual session, she disclosed that this was not the first time she had been in a high energy, toxic relationship. She also described dating a guy she described as being “normal”, kind and easy going and that she turned away from dating him because she interpreted his lack of passion or intensity towards her as lack of interest in her completely and she soon became bored.?

A lot of people don’t seem to understand that ALL relationships have a trajectory which cannot be maintained the same way they began, and if it does then it is probably not a relationship in the true sense of the word and certainly not according to all the research around what makes for happy and long lasting relationships.?

For some lucky couples, the honeymoon period is real. This is also known in the romance and relationship literature as limerence. This is when people are in love and have strong chemistry and passion (and a lot of sexual activity) in the beginning phase of the relationship. Not everyone has this experience though. If people do, the research shows that actual chemical changes happen in their brains and bodies which create the feelings of “walking on air” and where we look at our lover with rose-tinted glasses and they can do no wrong.?

All relationships will come out of this phase with different timelines and move into a more “mature” phase. This next phase in the relationship involves dealing with differences in personality, worldviews, beliefs, preferences, needs and goals. When couples navigate this phase successfully, relationships become more stable and fulfilling and we can begin to focus back out into the world and begin to live independent but mutually beneficial?lives together.?

However, some couples see this change towards stability and routine as a death knell for their passion and lust. Some accept this and follow the societal views that it’s just what happens and you need to accept it. Others will take steps towards maintaining their attraction and sexual interest in each other and others will find themselves dazed and confused that the dream has disappeared on them and then look for the next person who can revive the passion and limerence again.?

The only way to win a marathon is to go at a pace that you can manage for the full length of the race. Pushing yourself (and a relationship) into the red line of passion, excitement and intensity for long periods of time is unlikely to be sustainable in any long-term relationship.?

Does this mean that we must abandon our desire for passion and excitement in committed, stable relationships? Hell no! There are so many things that couples can do to ensure they keep the spark going and renew that spark when they need to which is one of the goals of a couples counselling session. The first thing is to become aware of when things are slipping and then being able to have open conversations about what can be done to improve things. This will necessarily require strong communication skills and a willingness to have an open and flexible mind and approach to the relationship.?

There are fantastic books and resources for couples which I often recommend in these situations. Feel free to reach out to me for these recommendations or have a look through the resources I posted on my?website. You may also join an?exclusive community?for couples and individuals and get premium content and trainings on happy and successful relationships.

In the meantime, remember that passion and stability should not be opposites and they are not necessarily incompatible in a healthy, long-term relationship. The most important thing is to keep the lines of communication open and be willing to find new ways of being together.?