The Passing of the Torch

Written in honor of my father, John F. Walker Sr. A humble man who distinguished himself with honesty, integrity, character and love - he carried his torch well - I try to follow his example, shining the light of leadership on my family - Love you Dad

I recently read a post that was the eulogy of a man who lost his father. My own father died a number of years ago and it is still an emotional touch stone in my life. An old friend just lost his Dad, we spoke about it the other night. We spoke of course of his Dad and the memories of days gone by, his general manner and style. We spoke of the nature of this particular loss, the loss felt over a parent - especially the loss a son feels when his father passes away.

There are seminal moments in every person's life and they etch themselves indelibly into your memory. You see this very clearly in any person with Alzheimer Disease. People with the disease will recount days past as clearly as if they are happening that very moment, they may perceive people who left a mark on their consciousness vividly. My own aunt had this terrible disease and would ask her spouse when her Dad or brother would arrive. She was confused why they had chosen not to come to see her. During her life that interaction with her family etched itself so deeply into her mind that even this awful illness could not erase it.

The special relationship shared with parents is different than all others, special - their passing acute, the burden of grief can be very difficult

This terrible event (A parent's passing) is ushered in with creditors and lawyers usually, signing paperwork and putting things in order you never even knew existed. There are legal papers needed to file to prove, without question, your loved one is indeed dead. Then every single person this person owes even a nickle to quickly forms a line to get paid. After such time the appointed person or agency presiding over this matter decides the debts are paid you can get what your parent or parents worked for their whole life.

Not so fast says Uncle Sam, you owe me inheritance tax, so you pay Uncle Sam, not so fast Uncle Same exclaims again! Now you have to pay me tax on the income you just received from the money that I took that tax from last time we talked. You agree (again) and pay more taxes. Your now free to grieve, or are you? Not so fast says the realtor, you need to sell this house and to do that you need to go through all these belongings and get rid of what is not important and take away what is, make decisions about who gets what if you have siblings. Then you can grieve. Not so fast says some family member Dad said he would give me that or I am attached to this, etc...

It seems the whole world conspires against you, no one wants to give you the space just to breath and take in the enormity of the task at hand - to make the mental adjustment, you're now a standard bearer for your family, you have been handed to torch - the "Man of the House" - you're the parent not the child and you feel a sense of dread for a moment knowing someday your children will have to go through this too when you pass the torch next

I can say without hesitation, in my case, I did not have a difficult time with regretful or angry siblings. Oddly we separated the material things without any disagreement at all very quickly and sold my parent's house in two weeks. The hard part was letting go. Every scrap of paper I threw away felt like a betrayal to my parent's who saved it for some reason in a box or on a shelf. Every Christmas card and letter felt like sacred text that came down from the mountain, etched in stone by the hand of the divine maker himself. For me it was so daunting, I rented a large storage area and literally put it off for three years - even now there are boxes in my own basement I still have not gone through.

Stages of grief you heard tell of in psych 101, turn out to be very real

After you get through many difficult tasks and copious administration you're allowed to celebrate the life of the person you honor. Usually in the case of most of my friends with some ceremony or funeral right. Now you're really in for it, this is when it becomes very real. All those photos you so treasured from your life are going on display now in a multi media slide show or movie! This fills your heart with a lot of those moments you cherished and your head with a symphony of feelings and mixed emotions.

This is the high point though, its the celebration of his life. This is oddly what truly does make you feel comfort of shared love and loss. When you have a father that was a veteran the roller coaster of emotions you feel during military honors is indescribably heart rendering. Your heart melts with pride, and as the coronet player sounds taps with that horn the loss that hits your heart like a hammer ringing a bell.

“On behalf of the President of the United States, the United States Navy and a grateful nation, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one’s honorable and faithful service.”

When these words are spoken they will have a profound a lasting effect on you. A military funeral, as ceremonies go, is about as simple and direct an affair as you could ask for. But every movement, is perfected by the unfortunate practice having been repeated so much over time and every moment of it is poignant. It is an honor that fills you with pride and is a remarkable spectacle - impossible to capture in words.

You recognize at once the solemnity of this ritual and the profound nature of every word. The sounding of taps is haunting, even today, many years after my own dad's passing I am transported back in time, to the sailor who stood at the door of his chapel to play it for my Dad. When I look at his warriors heart contained in the folded flag on display in my home, I think of him and am proud of his selfless service.

Getting back to the roller coaster of feelings, the heart swell of the ceremony and the heartfelt love you feel at the wake and funeral passes away in short order. You're left sorting and sifting through your lives in the form of his possessions and when you are alone you feel the loss most. At least in my case I did. It was the moments no one was there when I would break down. The loss felt exceptional, unlike anything else and it would creep in when I least expected it.

In my case my father died when my children were both very small. I felt like my wife was busy raising the kids and had a full plate my kids were too small to understand or know why I should be sad, so I would push down this feeling. I would go out to my car and drive around the corner and sometimes I would stop just out of sight to dry my own tears that would momentarily make it impossible to drive. The feelings would flood out in torrents like water from a broken water main. It was not a drip, drip, drip.

During this stage of depression and deep heart felt grief the sense of loss was so profound it felt like any time you allowed the luxury of a memory of joy from days gone by a well spring of emotions would be sure to follow and it would take me away in my mind like a tornado picking up the house in the Wizard of Oz.

Strangely in a very similar way to the events in that very movie the day comes when the sky clears and life some how makes sense again and you figure out how to go on. Now the stories come forth and you can smile and laugh again. You can feel the loss but experience the joy at the same time.

Somewhere along the line you have to pull back the curtain...

Somehow the madness and tears, confusion and depression clear away and the clouds part and you begin again. Your the parent now, the torch bearer, the family standard holder. If feels strange at first. It does not feel correct, its like new shoes. You were measured, you know they fit in your mind but they take some breaking in to feel like you own them. This new found courage feels about the same, you know you own it and you paid for it but it takes a bit of breaking in.

You have courage and move ahead, but there is no medal!

Take my word for this, when and if this day comes for you. You will find a way, you will have the courage, there is no place like home. There is no man behind any curtain who is coming with any medal but you will see the rainbow and ride the damn thing to the other side of this grief and there will be joy in your heart. This day will come, and you will feel the earth shift under your feet when you realize it has. You're the man of the house now and that is OK. You are the parent now and you hold the standard for the family instead of your dad and you earned this honor.

I personally like to think, somewhere, there is a divine creator and architect of the universe who knows my heart and planned my life for better or worse. I needed to take heart, move myself forward, and become the torch bearer and light for myself and my family. It's hard to do but the rainbow is coming - I promise you, when you find the courage in your heart that moves you forward, the rainbow will be there waiting.

While you tell all the stories to your family and friends of wonderful days gone by you once shared with the previous lamp of wisdom in your life. You will laugh again at these stories and they will laugh with you and under a clearing sky - you will again see the rainbow.

Genesis 35:3

***...let us arise and go up to Bethel, I will make an altar there to God, who answered me in the day of my distress and has been with me wherever I have gone."

There is one thing I know for certain, none of us get out of here alive. Savor the days you get to share with your family. Time conquers all and will conquer you too. There is no substitute for saying "I love you, I missed you, I am proud of you" and "I'm glad you're here". Don't wait to say these things, don't think that some thing of value or delight replaces these words. Tomorrow is not the best time to say it, today is. A cynic will promise two things, death and taxes. Have courage because the architect of the universe is waiting to pin a invisible medal for courage on your heart and when he does you will be free to enjoy what's over the rainbow.

Death if final, but your memories last forever, at least for you they do. So don't wait to work things out with the ones you love. Things won't "work themselves out" if you leave well enough alone. If you want rainbows, you need courage and invisible courage medals are pinned on for merit by universal architects not for just showing up. Show up, suit up, shut up and be brave. Get through the messy parts of accepting the torch. Grief is as messy process, not a simple one happening on your schedule. But it's a process with a beginning, middle and end that offers beauty under a metaphorical rainbow and what is better than that?

My friend, I promise, there is a rainbow! Until you get there, remember the heaviest burdens are drawn by teams for a reason. Each member of your team wears their own yoke and pulls some of your load, the team is arranged in a determined order - the course has been charted to avoid the pitfalls and perils. Have faith in the power of your team to pull you through in times of greatest need - that is why they're there. Don't be downcast the hoops you need to jump through are larger than you think.

Somewhere over the rainbow... this will all make sense. Have faith - it will all work according to plan. All my love to friends and foes alike - we are in this together and I don't want to wait for tomorrow to say I love you and appreciate you all today.

***The Bethel mentioned in the above bible passage has no relationship to my old buddy, Col. David Bethel - I had to put this disclaimer in or he might think God wrote him into the bible to illustrate the greatness of the Marine Corps. God Blessed the USMC with Col. Bethel who selflessly serves our nation and the Marine Corps - I appreciate your service.

Andrew Walker - If you liked this story, please like and share.