The Passing of a Man

I’m 42. Nearly half of my life has passed. Despite most days feeling or at least thinking that I am a recent high school graduate, because surely 24 years haven’t passed, there are days that I look in the mirror and think to myself, “I’m getting old”. This confluence of perception and reality is a real mind trip. I wouldn’t say that I dwell on any of this; however, I do try to push myself, stretch and take advantage of the life I have, as I know it’s fleeting. My self examination of mid-life was brought front and center just over a year ago. January of 2024, I lost a close childhood friend. My immediate thought was, “this can’t be, this shouldn’t be, I’m too young to see friends passing”. But alas this isn’t the case.?

When I got the news that my friend passed away, I wasn’t totally sure how to process this. I was hit with equal parts sadness and curiosity, but one thing I wasn’t struck by was surprise. My friend lived a big life. He was the guy at a party or at work who kept things interesting. It was a personality that filled the room. And much like his personality, his behaviors were also big - a big drinker, a frequent drug user, frequented prostitutes, unhealthy diet - couple all of this with a high stress banking job, I suppose deep-down I knew this day was coming. But it didn’t make the news any less sad.?

As with anyone who passes away at a relatively young age, we’re keen to know what happened. What was the cause? For me, I was prepared for any of the possibilities. Could it be a heart attack, absolutely. Maybe it was an OD, possibly. Suicide, I’d like to think not, but on some level I could see it. When you lose a friend at a relatively unexpected young age, I’m guessing that solace can be found when you know it was for sure a freak health incident. You’re not left saying, something could have been done because there was nothing I could have done. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the case. As such, your mind immediately goes inward. Why didn’t I show up for him? If I wouldn’t be surprised by any outcome, why didn’t I try to guard against these outcomes? Why didn’t I do more?

This isn’t a fair question because the reality is is that nothing could be done. My friend lived a life filled with pursuit. Always looking for the next thing to make him happy and fulfilled - sex, drugs, money, cars, watches. These were all of the things that he leaned into. He had ‘success’. He came from a family name that the world knows well, yet I wouldn’t say he was happy. As details about his passing started to come to light, my sadness shifted from me to him. He died lonely.?

My friend was found dead in his apartment. It is not clear how much time passed from his passing to the time he was found, but it was substantial. He laid there alone. He passed away alone. He was alone. This image, this life, this loneliness, it all saddens me. Bringing me back to, why didn’t I do more? I’m sure there was nothing to be done, but it still sucks. It all just sucks.

His passing and my continued confrontation with aging has helped me on some level recognize the life I have. Admittedly, it’s easy to sometimes fail to see the forest for the trees and we go through life wishing for more and aspiring to be more. There are countless books and recounts of what a well lived life looks like. While nuance plays into this, I would venture to guess that we all seek to live a life filled with love and relationships. I’ve read many books that tap into happiness and Sherwin Nuland’s book “How We Die: Reflections on Life’s Final Chapter” offers a very pointed perspective, which sums it up:

When my time comes, I will seek hope in the knowledge that insofar as possible I will not be allowed to suffer or be subjected to needless attempts to maintain life; I will seek it in the certainty that I will not be abandoned to die alone; I am seeking it now, in the way I try to live my life, so that those who value what I am will have profited by my time on earth and be left with comforting recollections of what we have meant to one another.

What’s interesting about all of this is that my friend passed away alone. As soon as the news broke a text group was spun up with all of our friends. While I like to think I stay in touch with most of my friends, there’s certainly more that can be done. That said, the passing of a friend, who was alone, brought people together. Connections that happen in siloes were brought together in a singular forum. Memories were shared. Stories told. Pictures sent. Laughs were had. In these moments, it becomes crystal clear that our pursuit to have more is not what it’s about. connecting with my friends, despite the circumstance, brought forward feelings we all want - joy and connection. Nothing had to do with material possessions, just friends reminiscing and joking. To be clear, money and possessions are not irrelevant, but I’m happiest when I’m surrounded by people I care about.?

When I think about my friend, he had all of the things - big job, big money, big cars, big watches - but my friend did not have THEE thing. He didn’t have companionship and relationships that make it all worth it. I wish I could have given more when he needed it but it didn’t play out that way. Be that as it may, reflecting on what was and what will be encourages me to foster the relationships I have, cherish the ones I love and look towards the future with grateful appreciation and excitement.?