Part III: Labeling: How Cognitive Distortions Affect Caregivers

Labeling is a fantastically effective cognitive distortion that undermines how you feel about yourself based solely on the language you use (in your own head and, sometimes out loud). The power of neurolinguistics plays a significant role in how this specific thought pattern works to destroy your self-confidence and sense of self-worth.

Neurolinguistics is the study of language, how it is represented in the brain and what happens when we use the acquired language in our everyday lives. Essentially Neuro Linguistic Programming aims to change the negative thought patterns, assumptions and processes that you engage in during common cognitive distortion known as Labelling.

Think of it this way, when I was in school and had a question for the teacher I would always begin my sentence by saying, “This may be a stupid question, but…”

I did this with almost all of my teachers, almost all of the time. Then I had a psychology teacher respond back to me, “There are no stupid questions. Don’t use that language when you are curious. You just belittle yourself. You are not stupid and there are NO stupid questions.”

That interaction really stuck with me, and I was reminded of his encouraging response each time I would raise my hand. Granted, I did not experience a gradual change, but I became more aware, more of the time. And eventually I stopped using that preamble. I just asked the questions I was curious about. What I learned over time was that prior to that exchange with the teacher, I did think my questions were stupid or not worthy of their time. I, in turn, thought I was stupid for not knowing the answer and not worthy of their time to explore my curiosity. 

I could go into a bunch of psychoanalytics, but I’d rather not bore you. We are all wired (usually starting from in our youth) to believe things about ourselves that are simply not true. We carry that with us and we formulate language to enforce those beliefs. Within the vicious cycle of language, we begin to believe (even stronger) what we say in our heads about ourselves.  

Caregivers experience this cognitive distortion frequently, simply because they are blundering…

ALL. THE. TIME.

It is the essence of caregiving, to fail, to make mistakes, to regret a decision, to wish we could go back and fix things. Then, as the vicious cycle predicts, caregivers start to believe that they are ONLY the summations of their mistakes. They are convinced that they are failures, terrible decision makers, and incompitant caregivers (children, siblings, etc.) 

This cognitive distortion leads to depressive feelings, anxiety and an enhanced sense of defeat. If we alter the perspective on these blunders, however, and look at them as “gifts” in this honorable process we are providing, we can use them as “jumping off points” to get it right next time. Mistakes are gifts, we can embrace the concept of failing beautifully… because after all, many of us only achieve at a stronger stance after we stubble.

In caregiving mistakes are a given. They should be expected. They are the norm, not the exception. So, if you find pay attention to the language you use within your own head to describe your feelings about yourself and the language you use to describe yourself to others, you may see a pattern. Are you using words such as “Always” or “Never”? (Generalizations). Are you cherry-picking what you pay attention to (such as discounting the positive caregiving experiences and only focusing on the mistakes)? Are you jumping to conclusions about what others think of you? 

Look at your language, pay attention to what you say to yourself and what you believe in what you are saying. Are you engaging in Labelling as a means to get better or reinforce that you will never change? It is only when you are willing to look and listen within yourself that you can overcome this cognitive distortion and see what you really are accomplishing as a caregiver…

The best that you can, as much as you can. You are doing your best. Believe in that.