Part II: Jumping to Conclusions: How Cognitive Distortions Affect Caregivers

On a recent nature-path walk with my husband and our dog a gentleman was approaching towards us and made eye contact. He then proceeded to veer into the grass off the path and give himself a wide berth from us. At first I thought, “Oh, come on. I am not wearing a mask because I am outside, enjoying some fresh air, staying more than clear of a 6-12 foot social distance!”. Then just as quickly another thought popped into my mind, “Ok, maybe he doesn’t like dogs and this is his way to avoid our pup.” And then just a millisecond later, a bicyclist approached from behind us and passed us on our left rather quickly. We had not heard him and we did not see him as he was behind us. But the gentleman who moved over did see him.

I had jumped to conclusions so fast, it amazes me how quickly a brain can make up a story. I assumed he was a jerk. Then I assumed he was scared. And in reality, he was being kind and giving us the space to walk as he saw an impending bottleneck in the road if we had all tried to pass each other at the same time.

Jumping to conclusions is one of the most dangerous and sure fire relationship sabotagers of all the cognitive distortions (at least I think so). It happens so quickly and has a direct correlation with how we feel about and behave towards other people, hence lending itself to potential relationship breakdown if not acknowledged and dealt with immediately.

The problem with Jumping to Conclusions is that so many of us do not realize we are doing it; in fact we even deny it is happening if we are confronted with the possibility. We are so hell bent on believing that “our story” of the situation (the jumping part) is the right story (the conclusion) that we shut down any probability of other possibilities. It’s like the old saying goes, “Don’t Assume Anything… it Makes an %*#@ out of You and Me”. 

So when do caregivers jump to conclusions that create breakdown in relationships? 

ALL. THE. TIME.  

You see this often among sibling caregivers who create their own story as to why one sibling is doing all the work and the other sibling(s) do little or nothing. Caregivers jump to the conclusions that their siblings: 1. Don’t Care, 2. Don’t Understand, 3. Are too Busy with their own lives to give a damn, 4. Are Careless and, 5. Have no desire to help out.

If any of this internal dialogue sounds even remotely familiar, you may be utilizing the cognitive distortion of Jumping to Conclusions without even realizing it. Do not be offended please. You are human and cognitive distortions are a normal, yet unhealthy, pattern of thinking that attempts to assure us that our ideas are rational and accurate. How else would we get through life if we didn’t believe our thoughts are accurate? Probably by hiding under a rock in complete demoralization. 

So how do we overcome this impending cognitive distortion?  

First of all, acknowledge that it is a possibility. Ask yourself if you have ALL the facts to determine that, in fact, your story is correct. Are you filling in the gaps of the situation with your own agendas and personal baggage? 

Secondly, consider how open you are to a conversation to clear the air. Are you willing to talk about your feelings of being “abandoned” as a caregiver without placing blame? Is the recipient able to listen without taking offense and just absorbing your feelings and what you are going through? This may not be a possibility as many families suffer from dysfunctional thought processes that affect their ability to effectively communicate. In this case, find someone who will listen and point out possible cognitive distortions in your story. You need to be open to hear what is being said. It is food for thought that may help you with your anger.

Finally, consider creating a compassionate story in replacement of the “jumping to conclusions” story you are making up. Here is an example: Joanne is the primary caregiver to her mom Mary. Joanne’s sister Terry lives 3 hours away and is barely involved in Mary’s care. She does not return Joanne’s calls or texts very often and only speaks to her mom on the phone if Mary asks to speak to her. Joanne jumps to conclusions that Terry does not care about her mom or the difficult caregiving experience she is going through alone with Mary.  

As Joanne talks more about Terry, she discloses that Terry had a child that died at a young age and is still reeling from the difficult loss. Whenever mom talks to Terry on the phone she asks about the child, how he is doing, what he looks like and when she will get to see him. These conversations become greuling for Terry who is unsure how to respond, dealing with her own grief at every mention of her child's name.

Through some practice with the compassionate story Joanne is able to create a possibility that Terry is closing herself off from the experience of caregiving for her mom because of the immense pain it triggers in her everytime they talk. Joanne has never experienced the death of a child and cannot even imagine the heartache Terry feels everyday. With this new possibility in mind, Joanne becomes more tolerant of the unanswered texts and phone calls and decides that she will just leave informative voicemails about mom’s health rather than a beg for a response. She has been the primary caregiver for so long, and probably wouldn’t want it any other way. Embracing a compassionate story releases Joanne of some of the frustration she feels some of the time (not all of the frustration all of the time, mind you)... and that is good enough.