Part I: Polarized Thinking: How Cognitive Distortions Affect Caregiving

For the past 4 months, a print-out of Cognitive Distortions has been hanging on my fridge. I see it every day, but I have rarely taken the time to LOOK at it.  The other day my husband pointed out to me that I may be involved in cognitive distortions as I began to spiral in depressive thoughts about COVID-19.  I pulled the list off the fridge and read them more carefully, convinced that I was NOT involved in any of them.  I was wrong.

As I scrolled, I found that my own thoughts had lingered in more than half of the cognitive distortions within recent days. Not such a good sign, I thought to myself, as I could see that my way of thinking was not only impacting my mood, but the mood of my kids, their reactions towards me, and my relationships with them.  It was time for time to take a closer look.

So, for the upcoming weeks, I am going to dive deeper into 15 cognitive distortions and expose how they may be affecting your ability to be a better caregiver.

???  You may be asking yourself:  What is a Cognitive Distortion???  

Cognitive Distortions are inaccurate thoughts that our minds use that reinforce negative ideas and emotions, typically about ourselves.  The only purpose they serve is to continue our cycle of feeling bad about who we are and what we do.  According to Psychiatrist Aaron T. Beck (the individual that laid the groundwork for research on cognitive distortions), during times of difficult circumstances (let's take COVID-19 for example), cognitive distortions can contribute to an “overall negative outlook on the world and a depressive or anxious mental state.”

Cognitive Distortion #1:  Polarized Thinking (aka Black or White Thinking):  

This distortion is described as rigidity in thought where you see things in absolutes and extremes.  This distortion serves to keep you in a cycle of self-doubt and self-sabotage.  When black-or-white thinking is utilized it splits you up into only two categories, one of complete perfection and success or one of total failure. There is no middle ground.  The trouble that lies within this distortion is that it impedes one's ability to see their “middle ground-shades-of-gray” capabilities.  For example, “If mom gets COVID-19 I have completely failed her”, “Unless we have a perfect day, then I stink as a caregiver”, “I made a bad decision for my family, I always make bad decisions. I can’t do anything right.”  

This type of thinking can take us down the rabbit hole of our own insecurities faster than you can blink an eye.  It can cause you to feel doubtful of any positive contributions or successful decisions you have made, discounting them completely and therefore discounting yourself in the process.  At the bottom of the rabbit hole, you can look up and see no way out. You are stuck down there, alone, and it is all your fault.  When you spiral that far, you begin to doubt if you should even be a caregiver.  When this occurs you may find that your ambitions, creativity, and motivation dwindle and you become “half-assed” in your efforts.  You feel this, the person/ people you care for feel this and you can sink even further, self-fulfilling your own prophecy.

How can you combat this ineffective thought pattern?  Way deep down (and it may be very deep and far away considering how long you have been battling this), there are great things you did, and probably continue to do.  Do not discount them even if they feel small or insignificant to you.  Most often it is in the details, the small components, elements, or fleeting subtleties that make an impact on others.  Consider when you made a decision you were proud of.  Think of a time when your creativity led to a successful outcome or when your flexibility enabled a meaningful moment with another person.  These are circumstances that define you as you and as a caregiver. Do not discount them, ignore them, or minimize their impact.  

It may seem like so long ago that life had shades-of-gray possibilities, but believe me, you have made a difference in someone's life each day of 2020.  If you need to, write those positive times and reflect back to that note to yourself whenever you are feeling polarized in thought and spirit.