PART 9 I AM AN OVERCOMER
9
Maintaining Faithfulness in Marriage
In the late 1970s, being in my mid-20s and single, I was working as an outreach coordinator for a church. I’d visit many people, both believers and unbelievers, daily in hospitals, homes, or wherever. Not surprisingly, some of the single women that I visited, let’s say, evidenced an aura of wanting more than just counseling. What did strike me were advances by both Christian and unbelieving married women, some of whose husbands were actively involved in church ministry. In every case, if I suspected something in conversation that wasn’t right, I’d change the subject.
Eventually, I met a single God-fearing woman in the assembly. After dating for about a year, we got married. Soon after that, I was approached by the church pastor to attend an affiliated Bible College. So, off we went.
Within a couple of weeks, my wife received a phone call from a prominent married woman in the ministry. She told me she wanted me to meet her at her residence at a specific time. I had yet to learn what this was about.
When I arrived at her doorstep, she said that God had put on her heart that I was her soul mate. To my ignorance, apparently, there had been a teaching that many interpreted to suggest that God has assigned the right woman to a right man and vice versa. Some listeners took this to mean they should approach whomever God directed them to, let them know that they were the one, see if they concur, divorce, and remarry.
I can honestly say that I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. As the words continued to pour out of her mouth, I closed my ears. When she stopped talking, I said something respectful and left. When my wife asked me about this, I made something up.
Ever wonder how often something like this happens in a church setting, especially with those in leadership? Let’s find out. Here’s an article about such.
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WHY CHURCH LEADERS ARE VULNERABLE TO INFIDELITY AND PORNOGRAPHY ([WHAT] TO DO ABOUT IT)
Being in a position of spiritual leadership is a challenge. While people will admit that pastors are just as human as everyone else, the standards and visibility on them are much higher. These higher expectations can make them especially vulnerable to infidelity and pornography.
Rather than entering into this conversation as a way to condemn, the goal here is to help spiritual leaders proactively seek to prevent moral failure. After all, their potential moral failure has an even higher impact, affecting not just the pastor and their [family] but their ministry and congregation as well.
[So,] in pointing out potential weak spots and blind spots, spiritual leaders will learn how to deal with the struggles that are common to people in their position. By becoming aware of these tendencies, they can learn to defend against them and protect themselves and their ministry.
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How Common Is This Problem?
Ray Carrol, a former pastor, wrote “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World” after his own marital infidelity. In his research, he found that this issue was surprisingly common. In an anonymous survey, 33% of pastors [admitted crossing the line with a woman, not their spouse without being caught]. In another study, the respondents revealed that one in nine pastors (around 11%) had committed adultery.
Similar findings were discovered in a survey of [277 pastors. Fourteen percent were involved in some inappropriate sexual activity. Ten percent] disclosed that they had a sexual relationship with either a present or former member of the church. Of course, our intent is not to single out [this denomination! But,] data from individual denominations can point to a systemic issue that extends beyond denominational boundaries.
Besides the problem of sexual indiscretion, pastors may also struggle with pornography and sexual addiction. Internet porn has become a significant pastime for ministers as well as church members. Christianity Today surveyed pastors and discovered that 18% of the pastors visit a pornographic site at least twice a month, with some visiting more than once a week.
Again, the point of mentioning these statistics is not to vilify [or condemn leaders] but to help leaders find healthy ways to deal with the problems common to people in their position.
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What Motivates Male Infidelity?
While there are women in positions of spiritual leadership, the majority of data we have specifically addresses males. [So,] for our female readers, we ask that you translate the data we present, as our research scarcely addressed the infidelity of female leaders.
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Men who commit infidelity can be motivated by several factors: any one of these or a combination of them:
●Power
●Opportunity
●Narcissism
●Desire for Instant Gratification
●Lack of Discipline / Self-control
●False Feelings of Invincibility
●Delusions of Grandeur
●Corroding Family / Marital Relationships
●Justification of Selfish Choices ([i.e.,] lack of sex)
●The Burdens of Pastors or Clergy
Church leaders are a very busy group of people. They suffer from a congregational expectation (explicit or not) that the local church is their priority, even more so than family. Because of the amount of attention the church requires, it can be challenging to relax at home and make time for their family.
Their long hours usually come in the context of spiritual calling and purpose. As a result, pastors can exhaust themselves emotionally, intellectually, and physically. And because they overstretch themselves, their capacity for intimacy and connection with their spouse diminishes, leading to a fading relationship at home.
This is because they are responsible for more than the logistical concerns of the church. They are also responsible for the emotional burdens of their parishioners. As pastors, they are expected to empathize with and even solve those burdens, eating away at the emotional reserves needed to connect with their [spouses].
Additionally, these emotional burdens can be [confidential and not] able to be shared at home. And as these intimate details are shared, the pastor might feel pressured to reciprocate with close aspects of their life to help their parishioner feel more at ease. If the pastor does not maintain a professional position, this reciprocation can allow close emotional commitments to occur. This is a common way a pastor can find themselves in an extra-marital relationship despite not intending to do so at the start.
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The Particular [Challenges] of Narcissism
Narcissism has gained higher visibility in recent years, and for good reason. According to Ruffing et al. (2018), there is evidence that narcissism levels have been increasing in Western society over the past few decades. This affects church leaders particularly because [it’s] common for people with these traits or even the full-blown personality disorder to end up in positions of leadership.
Campbell and Miller state that pathological narcissism is characterized as impairment in the ability to manage and satisfy needs for validation and admiration, such that self-enhancement becomes an overriding goal in nearly all situations and may be sought in manipulative ways and inappropriate contexts. In short, it’s an out-of-control compulsion to meet the needs of the ego.
An affair can provide an external means of validation and admiration, so one could easily see why a church leader with narcissistic tendencies would have an extramarital relationship with a church member. This is confirmed by research into clergy populations that shows higher [than-average] levels of narcissism. In one particular study of 210 clergy members, researchers found that 31.2% would likely have a diagnosable narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissistic tendencies can leave a church leader particularly vulnerable to an affair.
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Narcissism and Empathy
Zondag (2007) points out an interesting connection. In clergy, pathological narcissism is connected to empathic perspective-taking. For example, a pastor might offer a parishioner a great deal of empathy. In response to this empathy, the parishioner might respond with gratitude, maybe saying something like, “Pastor, you are so [helpful;] I don’t know how I could make it through this without you.”
As a result, narcissistic clergymen can be exceptionally good at empathizing, as this feeds into their need for affirmation. Of course, it’s not wrong to [show] empathy. It’s not wrong to express gratitude and appreciation for help. But you can see how it can feed narcissism, which is why you see clergymen having higher than average levels.
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Narcissism and Low Self-Esteem
Another interesting connection is a sense of low self-worth. When someone associates their value with their accomplishments or performance, they look for external sources of validation. And when they also have low self-esteem, they are less likely to expose any vulnerability to the people closest to them, fearing that if they do so, they will be rejected.
Instead of deepening their close relationships, which requires vulnerability, they can search for approval in a new relationship. For pastors, a member of their congregation could be an easier source of validation because they appear to be less threatening or demanding. It’s frightening, but someone with narcissism might be more comfortable being in a relationship with someone they don’t know. They can present an idealized form of themselves to that person that is praised and adored. Narcissism is certainly a struggle that affects some pastors, but it doesn’t affect all of them. There are other factors.
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Affair Prevention Boundaries
This worksheet will help you discuss with your spouse some boundaries to protect your marriage while doing ministry work. It’s crucial to set expectations on both sides to help preserve both your marriage and the legacy of your ministry. You can get access to this worksheet by supporting us on Patreon.
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Adjustment and Intimacy
1. Lack of Personal Adjustment
When someone feels unsuccessful in living up to their calling, sexuality can become a way to compensate. It can be a means to attempt to feel more [powerful or to project a powerful self-image. If a pastor struggles] with feeling pain, loneliness, or vulnerability, they might try to deal with these difficult emotions in unhelpful ways. They might overcompensate and actively seek out affirmations of success or competence. They could try to numb the feelings through the intense pleasure and feeling of specialness they find in an affair or in pornography.
When a person in spiritual leadership seeks out these things, it indicates that they have deeper wounds that have not yet been healed. It’s important for leaders to identify and discuss these issues with competent counsel. Without healthy personal adjustment, they are vulnerable to infidelity and pornography.
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2. Lack of Marital Adjustment
No one has a perfect marriage, much less a pastor. The heavy burdens of this vocation place additional strain on the marriage. When every member is looking to their pastor for guidance and leadership, when the health of the church requires more and more time, pastors find little to no extra time to spend with their [spouses]. This marital strain can lead to marital distress.
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According to Leadership Magazine, in a survey of 300 pastors who admitted to sexual infidelity, 41% cited marital dissatisfaction as the second most frequent factor leading to extramarital relationships. This is not [to say] that it was the spouse’s fault, though perhaps some of the men might have said as much. This statistic highlights that nearly half felt enough dissatisfaction in their marriage to be vulnerable to the kind of thinking that justifies an affair. In order to properly care for the church, one must first care for their own relationships at home. Not the other way around.
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3. Lack of Intimacy
Related to marital adjustment, another risk factor is not feeling emotionally or physically close to your spouse. Pastors would want their spouses to be interested in their work. They seek connection on an intellectual and emotional [level] to be able to share their experiences and get affirmation, encouragement, and support. However, building intimacy with your spouse takes intentionality and effort, which can already be a struggle for marriages. For a pastor and their spouse, they can face additional challenges and barriers to intimacy, so they need to work harder to remain consistently intimate in their marriage.
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4. Dysfunctional Family Background
Like many people who are in professions that seek to help others, pastors often come from dysfunctional families. As a result, they often have attachment and nurturing needs that are left unmet. This kind of background in pastors is heavily correlated with marital infidelity:
●91% of cheating pastors came from chronic dysfunctional families.
●83% of the families had chronic emotional disorders.
●66% had experienced substance abuse.
●58% of families were involved in affairs that resulted in having illegitimate children.
●50% had episodes of physical violence.
●25% were troubled with incest.
●8% had problems with chronic gambling.
If a pastor knows that they grew up in a dysfunctional family, it is crucial that they seek therapeutic help in order to find healthy ways to cope with them.
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Pressures on the Pastor’s Wife
The position of pastor doesn’t just place pressure [on the] pastor. It places pressure on their spouse as well. The close scrutiny and expectations the congregation can place on the pastor’s spouse can affect their faith, morals, and love for God. Because of their proximity to the pastor, they are highly visible but rarely known.
Another issue they face is the need to work outside the home to help supplement income. One survey showed that this is true for as many as 60% of pastor’s wives. This, combined with the pressures of their husband’s position, puts them in a place where cheating becomes more likely. Not that women should stay at home, but the situation could very easily lead to [a] double life of infidelity.
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How To Buffer Your Marriage Against Infidelity
Now that you know where and how to identify blind spots facing church leaders, here is a list of recommendations that can help preserve a healthy boundary between responsibilities at home and in ministry. Many might sound familiar, but [hopefully,] there will be some that you might not have considered in this context:
●Focus on Spiritual Health. Stay strong in your relationship with the Lord. Don’t just focus on your congregation’s spiritual health.
●Cultivate Healthy Relationships at Home. Take every chance you have to build full-person intimacy with your spouse.
●Seek Help. Marriage struggles are nothing to be ashamed of and are best dealt with as early as possible. If you need more privacy, consider going to another town or going online for counseling.
●Work with Your Congregation. If they understand that your home life is the foundation of healthy ministry, they will help you make time for your family.
●Place Safeguards. Work with your spouse to set healthy boundaries around your interactions with people in the church.
●Find a Mentor/Counselor. Having someone you can debrief with regularly in confidentiality will help you bear the emotional load of [pastor-hood].
●Keep Your Marriage Private. While sharing your struggles can be good, try to avoid sharing specific and personal challenges about your marriage with others.
●Emotional Inventory. Review your emotional state regularly. [Specifically,] review and evaluate how you are being intimate or close with others.
●Examine Yourself Critically. If you recognize narcissistic traits, mother hunger, or emotional vulnerabilities like these in [yourself,] pursue healing.
These are ways to help safeguard yourself, your family, and your ministry. While these tips are generally helpful to most marriages, the challenges and demands of pastoral ministry make them even more important.39
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What do you think? This was an incredibly insightful article. As for me, I’ve also learned some tips that might help to avoid infidelity.
●When visiting someone of the opposite sex, bring another person with you.
●Learn pertinent Scriptures so that when you’re tempted, you’ll have a safeguard to reflect upon. There’s a beautiful verse in the Book of Philippians that expresses this sentiment.
Philippians 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
We should think on things (reflect carefully upon them in order that they may shape your conduct40)that are true [involves truth and sincerity (freedom from hypocrisy) in thought, attitude, and action; all that is agreeable to unchangeable and eternal truth41], honest (what was regarded as worthy of reputation or honor42), just (doesn’t injure or defraud anyone), pure (moral purity; clean thoughts, words, and deeds), lovely (of what promotes peace rather than conflict44; of its usefulness to others, whether in your conduct or conversation45), a good report (what is positive and constructive), virtue (anything truly virtuous; promoting the moral or general well being of mankind; to the performance of good works) and praise (something worth commending to others).
As soon as we awake, we should reflect upon the Scriptures that strengthen us in areas we’ve had difficulty with. Now that we’ve built ourselves up in the most holy faith, we can pray for ourselves, others, etc. The spiritual food that I’ve provided for both of us below are verses that pertain to the topic at hand: maintaining faithfulness in marriage.
Ephesians 5:25-26 Husbands, love (a self-sacrificial love that gives of oneself for the well-being of the other46; to promote the salvation of their wives, and their constant edification in righteousness47) your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
1 Peter 1:22b…see that ye love (divine love) one another with a pure [not for the love of ourselves; to not use for our advantage; free from hypocrisy (a pretense of having a virtuous character48] heart (mind) fervently (in an all-out manner):
1 Peter 1:1, 4 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection (voluntary) to your own husbands (unbelievers); that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word (preaching to them) be won by the conversation (a self-denying holy life) of the wives;
But let it be the hidden man of the heart (true inner self; the new man, the soul renewed in righteousness49; the personality of the Christian woman as made beautiful by the ministry of the Holy Spirit in glorifying the Lord Jesus and manifesting Him in and through her life50), in that which is not corruptible (imperishable), even the ornament of a meek (humble; a mind that will not give provocation to others, nor receive irritation by the provocation of others51) and quiet spirit (calm temper; contented mind), which is in the sight of God of great price (invaluable).
Have you ever thought, I wish I hadn’t just said what I said? We’ve all been there. The following section will help us learn to be more careful about what we say.
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Endnotes
39“Why Church Leaders are Vulnerable to Infidelity and Pornography (& What To Do About It),” OnlyYouForever 30 November 2023
40UBS New Testament Handbook Series.
41Adam Clarke’s Commentary.
43Barnes’ Notes.
44Bible Knowledge Commentary/New Testament.
45Adam Clarke’s Commentary.
46Weust’s Word Studies from the Greek New Testament.
47Adam Clarke’s Commentary.
49Adam Clarke’s Commentary.
50Weust’s Word Studies from the Greek New Testament.
51Adam Clarke’s Commentary.
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