Part 3: Self-Awareness + Self-Compassion

This is part 3 of a 10-part series on potentially useful ideas for well-being and productivity. None of these ideas are uniquely mine, I'm not an expert in all fields mentioned, and I don't consider them absolute truths. They're just useful approaches based on what I know right now, relying on my psychology background and work in People Development. All posts were written by me, not an AI.

Self-awareness is the rare capability of knowing ourselves, which leads to better self-management and outcomes.

• Dimensions of self-awareness I'd like to highlight: (1) understanding ourselves (for example our current state, our purpose, values, capabilities and limitations, desires and aversions); (2) understanding others (recognizing others' separate, unique, perspectives); (3) understanding how we're perceived by others. These help us evaluate and regulate our behavior.
• People with low self-awareness tend to, among other things: ignore or reject feedback; demonstrate a lack of empathy towards others; openly show frustration or impatience towards others. People with high self-awareness tend to: take more responsibility for themselves; be more kind and caring; be more open to input and new ideas; seem more authentic (Eurich, 2017).
• Self-awareness is a fundamental component of many other frameworks (such as Emotional Intelligence), and a predictor of relationship success. While around 90% of people believe they are self-aware, only about 10-15% of the population actually fit the criteria when studied systematically (Eurich, 2017).

Some ways to increase self-awareness with specific tools:

• Awareness of thoughts, emotions, bodily reactions. Observing your thoughts (see Part 1: Metacognition); practicing mindfulness meditation; journaling.
• Personal core values and purpose. Discussing and writing on prompts, such as: "Imagine the end of your life. What effect would you like to have had on the world? What would people say about you?" "What's most important to you when choosing work/a home/a relationship?" "Think of three people you deeply respect. What do you admire most about them? Why are those things important to you?" Then, you can use a list of core value words to find those that resonate most with your answers. You can also use an intrinsic values test such as the one from ClearerThinking.org to clarify your values via existing frameworks.
• Strengths and weaknesses, capabilities and limitations. Identify activities and situations where you thrive, that give you energy, and also create value for others. Use a framework such as CliftonStrengths? to develop your vocabulary of your own and others' talents and strengths, and see them in your everyday life. Identify weaknesses (habits, knowledge and skill gaps relevant to your roles) or other limitations that get in your way consistently, and ways to manage them.
• Emotions and conflict. Identify your common triggers for primary emotional reactions (see Part 2: Emotions), and your reaction styles in conflict ("Crucial Conversations" by Patterson et al., 2002).
• Tackle blind spots by asking for feedback from others. Other people can't see our thoughts or intentions. They can only see our behavior, observe the effects of it, and create a story about us. So tap into others as a developmental resource by asking specific questions ("Thanks for the Feedback" by Stone & Heen, 2014).
• Some of the approaches above will help you prioritize tasks, projects, roles, and other life choices. If you can not only notice, but explain these things about yourself to other people in a way they understand, I would consider that a good sign you're on your way with self-awareness.

Combining Self-Awareness with Self-Compassion manages the downsides.

• I think self-awareness is net positive, but when combined with low self-worth and mood, it may lead to amplified rumination, self-criticism, or excessive self-focus. In addition to treating our thoughts as just thoughts (see Part 1: Metacognition), activating self-compassion can be a useful addition.
• Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness, concern, and support you would offer a friend during difficult times. Dr. Kristin Neff, the leading researcher on the topic, defines three main components of self-compassion: (1) self-kindness (offering yourself encouragement and understanding during tough times); (2) mindfulness (being present with your suffering, without avoiding it or getting lost in it); (3) a sense of common humanity (realizing that suffering and imperfection are part of the shared human experience).
• Self-compassion has been shown to provide a more stable sense of self-worth when compared to self-esteem (which tends to rely on success, comparison, and external validation). Contrary to popular belief, self-compassion does not lead to complacency or "laziness". Instead, it has been shown to enhance motivation, resilience, and mental health (Neff, Hsieh & Dejitterat, 2005).
• To know if your thinking habits are self-compassionate, next time you struggle or fail at something, write down the contents and tone of your self-talk. Later, take a step back and ask yourself, "Would I say this to a friend who was having a hard time?" Often, people find: no, no they wouldn't. This is a sign that self-compassion practices may be useful. Also, this type of "friend" exercise is a developmental intervention in itself.

Create useful snapshots, not shackles.

• You can find a self-compassion test and other practices to develop it on Dr. Neff's website. They include guided meditations, journaling prompts, advice on how to be supportive, and more. I think a world where people are both more self-aware and self-compassionate is a better, more understanding world.
• As an aside, I suspect a part of why positive psychology and strengths-based approaches like CliftonStrengths? work is because they inherently combine increasing self-awareness with an appreciative lens. This often opens people up to see themselves and others in a compassionate way, quirks and all, and believe in their own capability to overcome difficulty.
• It seems useful to think about self-awareness as a process: parts of us stay the same, parts of us constantly change, and unexplored parts of us come to light throughout different phases of life. I also don't want to advocate for people to construct rigidly held identities, but rather helpful, data-based snapshots that support performing and transitioning throughout life. It's useful to know what our current values and patterns are. At the same time, we don't have to be fixed to one view of our "self" for life — it's OK to experiment, play, and change our minds.

References and related suggestions

• TEDx Talks: Increase your self-awareness with one simple fix | Tasha Eurich | TEDxMileHigh. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGdsOXZpyWE
• The Institute for Organizational Science and Mindfulness. https://www.iomindfulness.org/
• Barrett, R. (2019). Everything I have learned about values. Lulu Publishing Services.
• CEOsage: The Ultimate List of Core Values (Over 230). https://scottjeffrey.com/core-values-list/
• ClearerThinking.org: Intrinsic Values Test. https://programs.clearerthinking.org/intrinsic_values_test.html
• Gallup: How the CliftonStrengths Assessment Works. https://www.gallup.com/cliftonstrengths/en/253676/how-cliftonstrengths-works.aspx
• Talks at Google: The Science of Self-Compassion | Dr. Kristin Neff. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3SPywoJWlxg
• Dr. Kristin Neff at Self-Compassion.org: What is Self-Compassion? https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/
• Neff, K. D., Hsieh, Y.-P., & Dejitterat, K. (2005). Self-compassion, achievement goals, and coping with academic failure. Self and Identity, 4(3), 263-287. doi:10.1080/13576500444000317
• Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R., & Switzler, A. (2002). Crucial conversations: Tools for talking when stakes are high. McGraw-Hill.
• Stone, D., & Heen, S. (2014). Thanks for the feedback: The science and art of receiving feedback well. Viking.
• Hougaard, R., & Carter, J. (2018). The mind of the leader: How to lead yourself, your people, and your organization for extraordinary results. Harvard Business Review Press.