Part 2. Why Choose Self-Acceptance for This Summer’s Project?

If you’re like me, you’ve read more books than you can count on building self-esteem, overcoming shame or self-doubt, handling conflicts with confidence, standing your ground in negotiations, naming your terms, coming to grips with just about everything you believe that’s holding you back.? Maybe you even read my book, Healing at Work. (If you haven’t, put it on your list!)

With the exception of Healing at Work, and a small handful of other books that mainly talk about self-compassion, the current self-help library along these lines deal with handling the challenges at the surface. They rarely dive deeper into what might be the underlying cause of all our surface struggles. And that is this: When we really come right down to it, we really aren’t our own best friend.

We bend over backwards to please and appease others. Those people in our lives who are especially demanding and withhold their approval from us are the ones we feel that we absolutely must win over at all costs.? We do what we don’t want to do, spend money where we shouldn’t, make major life choices that run counter to our heart’s desire, betray the ones who really do deserve our loyalty and priorities, all in pursuit of the resistant people who might – just might, but probably won’t – finally come around and tell us we’re approved.

In later posts I’ll go more deeply into the price we pay for not being our own best friend, our most ardent champion. But I thought we’d start out by briefly looking at the benefits of self-acceptance and what will make all this summer’s learning worth the time you invest.

?Let’s start by first defining our terms. In Chapter 6 of Healing at Work, I define self-acceptance this way:

?Self-acceptance is being grateful for and valuing all that you are. This is not about being self-centered or selfish. This is about appreciating and valuing all parts of who you are (even the ugly and dark shameful parts of) in healthy ways; loving yourself actively; being kind and compassionate to yourself. And giving yourself credit for all that you have gone through and accomplished to get yourself to this point in your life.

?If the very concept of self-acceptance makes you want to jump back like it’s a kitchen fire, you might want to look at what self-acceptance means to you.

Does it mean being selfish at the expense of others? Nope.

Does it mean setting yourself up for a fall – a comeuppance, as they used to say – because you put yourself first or feel especially proud of an accomplishment? Nope.

Does it mean that people will secretly celebrate the next time you publicly stumble or fail because you parade around like you’re God’s gift? It doesn’t have to. But if you know who those people are likely to be, you might want to reconsider how much you should trust them or even care what they think about you.

Does it mean that your friends and family will tell you that you’ve changed, they don’t like the change, and you should get over yourself?? Maybe. But then if they object to your happiness and peace of mind, those are relationships you might want to take a fresh look at and reevaluate.

Changing the terms of any relationship that you’re deeply attached to can be scary. That includes the relationship you have with yourself. ?As you learn to develop the self-acceptance frame of mind and all the emotional muscles that support it, you may discover that some of your most cherished relationships had been built on an expensive bargain that you will act small, not speak up, or betray yourself in other ways, in order to maintain your membership in their approval club. ?

?This is Scary, Is It Worth It?

?Only you can decide for yourself. Certainly don’t let me pressure you into doing anything you don’t really want to do. ?But why not at least consider the possibilities of a better way to show up at work – if only for yourself? Let’s take a look at how self-acceptance can help position you for a more fulfilling career that comes from a solid foundation of sustained, positive, self-regard:

You project stronger self-confidence.

Since most of us these days have careers in the knowledge economy, our main career power is our belief in the quality of our ideas. Self-acceptance helps us be confident in our decisions, our ability to strategize, analyze, and create better mousetraps. So we can more effectively influence and lead our teams in sharing our vision and our belief in the path we create to lead us to the ideal future.

You bounce back more resiliently when you fail. ?

When you accept yourself – the good and the not-so-good aspects of your nature and abilities – you can more readily acknowledge your mistakes and learn from them. Which in turn leads to a more resilient mindset, which in turn sets the stage for more personal growth and development. And that, in turn, positions you for success, as leaders notice your growth-oriented behaviors.

You handle stress better. ?

Positive self-talk and self-acceptance has been found to mitigate the the negative effects of stress. In the short term, a calmer mind helps you maintain a clearer focus and you’re able to make better choices and decisions. In the long term, of course, positive self-talk and self-acceptance helps you grow your career by having a track record of better choices and decisions that aren’t stress-driven. You’re physically healthier in the process so you can enjoy a more rewarding career as long as you want one.

You make better, more creative and innovative decisions.

Self-acceptance keeps you in tune with your own personal values, strengths and weaknesses. So you’re better able to stay faithful to who you are, and your deep commitment to doing the right thing, when you’re challenged with designing new strategies and making hard choices.? As a result, you sleep better at night, you can look at yourself in the mirror, and you are most likely to attract consistent respect from your colleagues and leaders. As for those who don’t respect your values-based designs and decisions? Well, the sooner you know who they are, the better, right?

You attract better friends and coworkers.

Because you’re no longer lying to yourself, you’re no longer lying to the people you work with. Your inner calm and self-assuredness attracts colleagues and leaders who value authenticity, candor and trustworthiness. Before long, you have a healthy professional network of people you can trust in turn.

You are better leader.

When you lead from a place of self-acceptance, you are better able to invest your energies in serving the people on your teams. Since you are secure in knowing that you have what it takes to take care of yourself, your needs, and your values, you have the emotional energy necessary to perform as a servant leader. You are more empathetic, inspiring and motivating for others who believe that you sincerely care about their well-being.

You get more done.?

We all know how distracting and energy-draining negative self-talk is. Do you know how energized positive self-talk that neutralizes self-doubt can be? This is more than just affirmations – which you may or may not believe as you recite them while you brush your teeth in the morning. It’s about the steady, supportive conversation you have with your capable, adult, supportive self all day long. Your thoughts support you in staying focused on each task, one task at a time, feeling safe and capable. You’re not burning up your energy braced for whatever negativity that might come roaring at you

You know what you want and what you don’t want.

How many decisions have you made – the really important, life-changing decisions – under the influence of people who didn’t have your best interests in mind? Self-acceptance won’t guarantee that you actually get what you want, but it will help you sort through your options according to your desires. Not someone else’s. Self-acceptance fosters self-knowledge. So each choice, big or small, will be informed by your most cherished values and your vision for yourself and your future.

You improve your chances to build your career based on your personal interests and life purpose.

The self-knowledge that comes from self-acceptance helps you identify what motivates you most, making your career an expression of all that you are. Not just what you’re willing to trade for money. Because you’re motivated on a much deeper level than salary requirements, you eagerly go the extra mile to serve your company’s mission when you can see how it dovetails with your own life purpose. When there is a true, authentic match, you eagerly take on growth assignments, stretch goals, and new development and learning opportunities. Work is more fulfilling because you see what value you bring to all its moving parts.

Building self-acceptance and engaging in positive self-talk are not just about feeling good in the moment. These practices lay a foundation for long-term success, resilience, and fulfillment in your career. By embracing who you are and cultivating a positive inner dialogue, you empower yourself to perform at your best, day in and day out.

We have a whole summer to dive into this joyful project of understanding all the benefits of self-acceptance. Are you on board? (By which I don’t mean surfboard, but, hey! Why not! It’s summertime! What’s your favorite summer activity that fills your heart with joy?)

Here’s #2 on the official Susan’s Self-Acceptance Summer playlist:

Alright by Darius Rucker