Part 2- Weekend Lover. The Chocolate Principle.

When I said that I never have personally been a big fan of starting a relationship with someone who is in a relationship, I meant it. When a client comes to me for help, it is not for me to judge them. For example when I do chaplain duty in the prison system, my role is to help. Not impose my belief system. Likewise when a client is looking for advice dating a married person. 

When we engage in dating someone who is already in a relationship, we have to know that we are starting out working from a deficit. And as I explained in part one, it is possible for these relationships to work. But in my professional experience, it takes tremendous commitment. Because more often than not, we do not allow time for the pause.

When we move from one relationship to the other and we don't allow for personal reflection, we in many cases relive the same relationship over and over again. We should invest in the pause. I am not suggesting that when we leave a relationship that we are broken. I am suggesting that just like many electronics, when they've been on for a long time, they seem to work better after your turn them off and let them reboot. I know little about electronics. But I do know that when I unplug them or turn them off, when I turn them on again they seem to work better. Don't ask me how. I just know they do.

"We carry the remnants of past relationships with us." 

I believe that we act in the same way. Let us use the analogy of a bad week. It was an uphill battle from the moment your feet hit the floor Monday morning. Still, you stayed in the fight and you tried your best. Come Thursday you ran out of patience. You thought just one more day and then you can hibernate for the weekend. There is a reason to rest. Because non stop movement {involvement} is too much for us. We need down time. And if you think leaving a bad relationship for a good one will give you energy, this will be short term. Eventually you will need time to process and heal. We carry the remnants of past relationships with us and we are usually unaware of them until they rear their ugly head. 

I have actually worked with clients who have never not been in a relationship for more than a week or two at a time. I had one client who was in a relationship from age 15 till present day {they are in their 40's} and have never been without a significant other. From a mental health standpoint, that tells me that they need to be validated. And without the pause, they continue to experience the same relationship problems. They're too busy being in a relationship to build a relationship with themselves. 

"Exciting will no longer be a substitute for dependable."

Some people just love to be in love. And there is nothing wrong with that. A new relationship is like a new car. It feels good, it's exciting and you don't have any problems with it. The problem with that is you don't know if it is dependable. And when there is a service problem, no problem. Just trade it in for a new one. I see the allure. But eventually you come to the realization that a new car will no longer make you happy. Exciting will no longer be a substitute for dependable. And dependable may no longer be an option. You've been driving your cars so hard for so long. Long story short. Become a better driver. And you learn to drive better while in the pause. 

My advice for dating a married person? Give them time. They need time to work through their feelings in their current relationship. More so should they get divorced. Let them unplug. The pause will do them good. I get that you are eager to start you new relationship with them. But if you truly want to give this new relationship a chance, honor the pause and do not pressure them.