Part 13: Now What?
What do you want for your future? How can you shape it?
These two questions are always running through my mind, superseding all prior constant noises. June 9 was the first time I ever had serious thoughts about life 10, 20, or 30 years beyond the present. Before then, they never seemed necessary. I have no memories of the childhood version of Kevin giving much thought to shaping his future (I don’t recall many events from when I was younger, but that’s a different discussion). Stories about people who strove and sacrificed to achieve their “lifelong dream” exactly in their always-envisioned manner are foreign to me.
My recollections do not contain any of those lifelong dreams. There are no visions of me longing to become starting shortstop for the New York Yankees, no fantasies of blasting off into space on the first crewed trip to Mars. Perhaps they were there long ago but I have just forgotten what it was like to be a child with a dream. At least those visions make it into my stories. I digress…
I unintentionally lived with the shortsighted focus to play the cards I had been dealt. “Graduate high school then go off to West Point” was a 16-month plan, the furthest into the future my goals have ever spanned. From that point forward, I made choices off a menu of reasonably expected options my future presented. I rarely strayed beyond the set selection; I never created a purpose. It was a knee-jerk reaction with no meaningful action plan to reinforce the following steps if I did.
“Let’s just get in the air and go. We’ll get a better view of our options once we start to climb.”
CW3 Doug Davis, circa 1995
As one of my old instructor pilots taught me, sometimes it is impossible to plan the next 15 steps if you don’t commit to your first.
My approach to life was in no way a sad course. I imagine it is quite common. The difference between something you decided to do and a lifelong dream is the efforts to reach that mark. I could go on and on about the countless events, achievements, and accomplishments in my life of which I am immensely proud. I genuinely wanted those milestones and yearned to see them fulfilled; I even desired some. For many reasons, however, they were already potential life choices laid out ahead of me. It was a matter of standing at a fork in the road, choosing to go this way instead of that way, and making the necessary efforts with every step I took while I trekked up my new path.
How many times have you imagined your possible life had you gone “that way” yesterday? But I digress yet again…
When I started this journey on October 6, 2019, I was not looking for a life-changing goal. For the duration of the story so far, my focus to fix “broken pieces of my life” was on physical and mental health measurements. I saw how they were intertwined in this concept of wellness: my capacity to monitor, and ultimately regulate in a positive fashion, my responses in each dimension of existence. On June 6, 2021, I discovered that what I have been searching for this entire time was already written in 2,097 pages of stories I will someday share with Eleanor. The answer was not buried in those computer files; it is what they represent. Since before she was born, I have kept a journal. I write to Ellie as if I am talking to the grown woman she will one day become. It is a private collection of thoughts, for my eyes only until the day my journal becomes hers.
I took a break from writing to Eleanor for a while. There are so many reasons why I did not sit down and talk about her dad, our family before she was born, our life together, recent news events, or just simple banter. Yet, regardless of conflicting priorities, the obligation has always remained. A burning press in my heart started our pages again after a 436-day hiatus. Three days later, I found the source of this unmistakable longing. For over 12 years, I was journaling to my daughter in order to breathe life into events that have shaped us both.
How do I want my future to look? I want to breathe life into the crazy collection of ramblings constantly running through my mind.
My journal to Eleanor will continue — a lasting memory of my unfiltered thoughts. I can picture her curled up on a sofa, skimming through nonsense rants and “back in the day” stories while hoping to catch occasional glimpses of her father’s soul. After another length of time, a day may come when she chooses to add pages of her own to perhaps share with her child. Either way, the journal is no longer mine. Every word belongs to Eleanor.
My future needs to go far beyond a diary for my daughter. I want to be a writer. Countless reactions from my readers will measure the achievement of my goal.
I want to breathe life into pages far beyond anything I have accomplished to date, telling tales conjured up by my constant noise. No longer will I look to put words down solely to ease my anxieties. My stories will be written because, as my mind floods with the images I create, sometimes I smile. I may laugh, cry, or even nod my head in approval of the tale. On other occasions, the crafted images chill me to the core. I want to elicit a bounty of reactions as I breathe life into stories, narratives, reflections, and rantings.
To pursue this dream over the next 10, 20, 30 years, and beyond, I must define my life-changing goals. The least of which includes - I need to learn how to write. Hopefully, that will be the fun part! I already mentioned how my goal to begin a graduate school program for a Masters in Creative Writing failed. I asked for feedback on why admissions rejected my application, but the only response was an encouragement to reapply next year. That seems pointless. Roadblock #1! I guess I will have to create another way to meet my objective.
I also need to confront many long-overdue steps to ensure my ongoing wellness in every dimension (creating an environment where I can apply a long-term focus towards my goals while harboring my resources). When I reflect upon the last six months, my initial reaction is I can’t go through that again. However, as I slowly come to grips with the fact that I will go through that again, my mind is grappling with what I have endured and the permanency of the decisions I face today.
The paragraph above summarizes the enormity of my efforts explored throughout this blog series, the entire reason for my work beginning October 6, 2019.
June 21, 2021, at 12:58 PM, was the first time I realized, “Perhaps my answers are this simple.”
Within the confines of my new reality, I will create an environment that expands my capacity to monitor, and ultimately regulate in a positive fashion, my responses in each dimension of existence.
In less than six months, every tenet I discovered seemed to collapse under the strain of dreadful events. Only when I forced myself to look back upon my Dimensions of Wellness did I realize these certainties.
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My thanks go out to Eleanor for the part she played in the reset of my view. When my mind turned dark, and I stopped searching to define my wellness, she was there. My little love is the reason these last two blog entries have gone from my world collapsing to plans for the next 10, 20, 30 years, and beyond!
The only way I knew how to show my thanks was through my words.
This story is one of those moments which causes me to smile!
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The developing draft of my story will be shared on this secure drive location: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1E4cNpkFBU4qf3zYDIqZ5Nw72DzhGe88r?usp=sharing
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These are the thoughts going through my mind as I try to piece it all together…
This is not about what my life will be like when the fight is over.
I will never stop
I will never quit
This is my story
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100% of the royalties earned from my books go to the National MS Society, to support our fight: https://neverstopneverquit.com/books
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Never Stop… Never Quit…?
Kevin Byrne
Portland, OR
www.neverstopneverquit.com