Part 1/2 Can Kindness Be Learned? Exploring the Practice of Being Kind to Myself

I tend to see life in extremes, where it's all or nothing.?

When I set a workout plan, for example, I aim for 40 minutes of five exercises, a walk, and some stretching—knowing full well that finding 40 minutes daily will be a struggle. So, when I can’t stick to the whole routine, I end up doing nothing at all. This leads to a cycle of self-criticism, where I berate myself for not trying hard enough, not achieving enough, and ultimately, not being enough.

The same pattern shows up in my financial habits. If I can’t save a large sum at once, I quickly fall into self-blame, telling myself how hopeless the situation is and fearing I’ll never escape the paycheck-to-paycheck cycle. These thoughts weigh heavily on me, reinforcing a deep sense of scarcity and inadequacy.

But when I look at it from a different perspective—say, if a friend asked me for advice on fitness or saving—I’d suggest taking small, consistent steps. For instance:

1. Exercise for 10 minutes a day, or start with a 5-minute stretch when you wake up.
2. Save Rs 1,000 each month by setting up a recurring deposit. Even if nothing else works out, you’ll have Rs 12,000 saved by the end of the year.

Why is it that I find it easier to offer kindness to others, yet struggle to extend that same compassion toward myself?

In today’s world, we often extend kindness to others while neglecting to offer the same compassion to ourselves. My breathwork teachers speak of kindness, self- kindness in particular as a practice. It’s easy to dispense to others, but easier to withhold when it comes to oneself.

The journey towards self-kindness involves unlearning deep-seated self-criticism, overcoming cultural conditioning, and cultivating self-awareness.

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To unpack this kindness to self PoV, I posed several questions to my breathwork teachers Samriddhi Malhotra Ramasubramanian N V Chandni Chawla Anand (She/Her) .?

In this article I attempt to bring together their responses, practices and stories.

Barriers to Self-Kindness

I wanted to know why self-kindness often feels out of reach. My teachers identified three main barriers:

1. Deep-Seated Self-Criticism: You are tough on yourself for falling. There is a harsh inner voice that constantly judges and undermines self-worth. And so many times you are unaware that this critical voice can be turned off or cultivated into a compassionate one.?

2. Lack of Self-Awareness: Being unaware of one's inner dialogue – that inner voice or your gut or intuition - that tells you that something is triggering you, or hurting you, and you keep turning down the volume on that.?

3. Cultural Conditioning: You’ve been told that you need to live up to being/ doing something, and now you believe it with all your heart. And you constantly strive to be that person without knowing if you even want to be that person

These barriers often stem from the belief that we must meet certain standards to be worthy – of what we’ve never stopped to ask or think.        

Overcoming them requires unlearning patterns of self-criticism and replacing them with practices that foster self-compassion.?

Sounds like a bunch of hubba jubba right now ??

As always I learn best from stories. I want to know what happened in someone’s life, and how it helped them and so on.?

And so, my teachers shared their personal stories to help me understand this better.

Teacher’s Personal Stories of Self-Kindness

The teachers shared personal experiences that highlighted how self-kindness helped them navigate challenging moments:

- Managing Relationship Stress: One teacher explained how self-kindness helped them stay composed during emotionally charged conversations with their spouse. By not feeling blamed and put into a spot, they were able to respond calmly, resulting in healthier communication. Now this is not easy. It takes a lot of work to understand that when people are speaking to you - it’s a collection of their experiences speaking to you - and nothing to do with you. Feeling personally blamed and attacked hinder the conversation and the relationship. And sometimes it helps to take a step back and give it some distance.?

- Coping with Autistic Burnout: Another teacher shared how self-kindness helped them manage autistic burnout without spiraling into self-hate. When feeling overwhelmed, they allowed themselves to pause and engage in comforting activities. They allow themselves to ride it out – watch comforting shows, come back to their breathwork and meditation practice – and navigate difficult times without drastic life changes. Earlier there would be deep self hate on not having it together. Haven’t we all felt this at so many times - when we are measured against impossible standards or standards of somebody else - and most importantly standards that we didn’t set for ourselves.?

- Facing Body Image Issues: A teacher recounted visiting relatives who commented on her weight gain, triggering old insecurities. Instead of letting these remarks ruin the visit, they grounded themselves in the moment – acknowledged that their body was a source of immense strength and resilience – and to continue to enjoy the food on their plate. Their aunt continued serving homecooked food, and the negative judgments dissipated.?

These stories resonated with me, reminding me of times when I struggled with similar issues, from self-sabotaging behaviors to taking things personally. Their experiences made me reflect on the practical aspects of self-kindness and resilience.

Most importantly it helped take a little tiny stock of how when I have healed a few things in myself, I have become kinder to myself. It gave me pause to appreciate that all this work is not happening in a vacuum, and that I have intense meaty things to be proud of.?

But I began to wonder: how can we actively cultivate this practice in our daily lives? Intentionally and systematically.?

What specific steps can we take when we inevitably stumble or fall short of our own expectations??

It’s one thing to understand the value of self-kindness in theory, and pat myself on the back when I have inadvertently found myself practicing it - but how do I apply it when I’m in the midst of a setback, feeling overwhelmed by self-criticism, or struggling to meet my goals?

These questions pushed me to explore tangible strategies for practicing self-compassion, even when life doesn’t go as planned.

And that is something I will cover in the concluding part of this two-part article series.