The Paroking Diaries: Blog 21 - Dancing in Caves and Eating Marshmallows

Most people have been on an air bridge to Greece or slipped through the quarantine gaps and made it to France before being sent into lockdown; we bought an American style fridge/freezer and a puppy and spent a week in a cave dodging the rain clouds in Devon. The ‘husband’ says enough is enough and it’s all about ‘choices’, so I need to stop moaning. Still the good thing is the fridge is big enough to display my fridge mounted photos of holidays that we once went on, reminders of happier times, not the photo of us in the cave.

The ‘husband’s’ key argument to no further holidays is because we have not followed the rules of supply and demand by buying a puppy when the demand is on acid and the price is sky high so, he says, it’s because of our failure to follow the economics that I am not on an air bridge to somewhere where it doesn’t rain or there isn’t a storm named after a person – I mean I am wondering when it became ok to personify storms and dupe us into the fact that they wouldn’t kill off the summer vibes because they had the same name as your next door neighbour.

Still, on the plus side we have a puppy and the ‘against all odds child’ is happy. The dog lady who has the faceless what’s app profile is actually real because we had to visit her and the yappers and she rushed out the kennel club certificates to bona fide it all as I sat on the sofa and felt the dog pee seep into my trousers, so that was nice. She keeps sending photos and videos, although to be honest I don’t reply because it’s too late to ask which one ours is and I am now wondering if she printed off the KC certs from the internet. There is no filter where she is concerned and the vids keep on coming – the one I think is ours, but am not entirely sure, seems to be the one that is the runt of the litter and gets ousted from the pack when it comes to milk time with mum. I am hopeful this is not the case but deep down I think it is her. In short, we have a malnourished pup coming to us that cost as much as a holiday and has some dodgy certificates accompanying her entrance into the world.

On a brighter note, the ‘teenager’ says that it is time to go to school. This is a sure sign that the holidays have reached their lowest ebb and we are in a repeat cycle of late breakfast, trampolining, collecting chicken eggs and picking up clothes from the floor. The ‘against all odds’ child is filling her time putting on make up that is at least twenty years old. She has just appeared with a brown tan that she didn’t have yesterday. ‘Have you put makeup on?’ I ask. ‘No,’ she says whilst flicking her green eyes and blending in the last of the 1990's thick, beige foundation into her eyebrows that are now orange. She also ‘likes’ Katy Perry and has her ‘Roar’ video on constantly – so it’s orange foundation all round whilst wearing a flower hair band and a grass skirt. The ‘middle child’ is glued to his ‘what’s app’ group for his new school – I am reminding him that in my day you met your new friends on the day you started your school, not before via an online messaging chat but he tells me it’s all good. He even has a bus friend without ever having gone on the bus which was the ‘worry’ the ‘middle child’ has been carrying around because the ‘teenager’ said there was no way he was sitting next to his younger brother on the bus and besides being two years above him he had earned his right to move two rows back on the bus whereas the ‘middle child’ has to do his time and sit at the front even if that was to be all alone, which it now isn’t.

Our other pastime has been inhaling melted marshmallows and camping in the garden. I was hoping this would make up for the lack of exciting travel but all it has done has sent the ‘against all odds daughter’ into a spin because she is permanently made of E numbers and dancing to Roar with her orange tan and marshmallows secreted in her cheeks. I have banned them from hanging out with children that read books because this will make us feel bad and they have been told they can only befriend children that also spent their time eating candy or watching YouTube videos of stunts including the American gang who have a trampoline in their pool and have to jump from the one in the garden to the one underwater. It’s actually quite good.

I am into name taping as well as supplying marshmallows, foundation and an internet connection. The new school says it won’t sew them on because name tapes are now super spreaders, so I must do it whilst the wild children dance in the caves and watch stunts being performed or chat to their digital only pals. The good thing is that I can do this whilst watching the puppy videos, forage in the big fridge and marvel at the water cooler, who knew you needed one?

Toodle pip need to dislodge a needle from my finger and buy some more orange makeup.

By Annie Hayes. If you ‘like’ my blog, then please do ‘like it’ and ‘share it’.