Parents are NOT the Problem!

Parents are not the problem. They are a product of the environment you create. Many of you are shaking your head in disagreement at this statement, but before you write me off as a “parent apologist”, hear me out.

I was helping administrate a tournament this past weekend. At one point I had to usher a parent off the field who was angrily confronting a referee. That certainly is a problem. As I walked around the field I heard countless parents screaming commands at their children. That undeniably is a problem. Several times over the weekend I observed parents scolding their children regarding poor performances on their way back to their cars. Again, this is a huge problem, but parents are not the problem.

When parents act in ways that are contrary to our player development models something has gone amiss. I hear a lot of talk about creating culture in clubs. All too often it is just that, talk. There are some clubs that do a good job of setting expectations for players, defining their pathway, methodology and instruct coaches on how to build a sense of camaraderie among the players and yet are still missing the crucial piece of the puzzle.

Over the 40+ years I have been involved in American youth competitive soccer it has not been unusual to hear coaches trumpet the belief that if we could just get rid of the parents all of our problems would go away. There have been efforts to control the parents. Has your club employed the “Silent Saturday” tactic? Did it work? Do they still attempt it? Typically, the answer to the first question is Yes, quickly followed by two No’s.?

Parents are a lot like coaches, they don’t want to be controlled and get offended when you try to clamp down on something they feel passionate about, their children. Every single time I have witnessed a parent lose their mind the ultimate motive was love for their child. Yes, it can be incredibly misguided. Yes, the immediate motive may not seem so altruistic, but if you dig deep enough you will find that what makes parents crazy is being crazy about their kids.

Coaches who have children get it. Coaches who don’t can, but until you bring a child into the world, hold them, love them and lead them it is difficult to relate. This lack of understanding and/or contemplation can lead to becoming very positional with parents when it is completely unnecessary. Is it necessary when the parent steps on the field to angrily confront a referee?…yes. Is it a good idea to encourage parents not to “coach” from the touchlines?…absolutely. Would it be better for player development if parents would approach their child after a game and just tell them how much they loved watching them play?…without a question!

The problem is that if we have not developed trust with parents via a carefully designed parent education program then we are self selecting the wrong moments to “educate” them. I put “educate” in quotations because really what we are trying to do is control them, educating is a much more collaborative effort.

In my humble opinion every parent should take a US Soccer Grassroots course that is applicable to the format their child plays in 4v4, 7v7, 9v9 or 11v11. These courses serve as a fantastic foundation and at minimum offer insight into what we as coaches are attempting to accomplish. Understanding leads to insight which reveals our common ground. Coaches AND parents want to see their child fall in love with the beautiful game and have a wonderful experience. Working together instead of in opposition can create the synergy that leads to success.

As a former State Director of Coaching I was oftentimes requested to help dysfunctional boards stop their infighting and coalesce around common goals. This is no easy process! Both sides choosing to listen rather than shouting each other down or sniping from the sidelines required a ton of maturity, but what always made it easier was defining a set of goals we agreed upon. Almost without fail the one that turned negativity towards mutual respect was “creating an environment that best benefits the players.” From there it was about admitting that we as individuals didn’t have all the answers and therefore were willing to listen to each other and third parties who offered research based solutions.

Whatever tools we choose to employ we must start from the belief that parents are critical partners in our player development programs. When we include them and respectfully communicate what we are doing and why, while stating our desire for constructive criticism we build the bridge of trust that true education can cross. By building bridges instead of walls we create the culture that becomes community. We become stronger. We become better.