Parenting Your Queer Child is as Easy as ABC... (Yup, I said it and you read it right)

"Parenting is Easy." I heard the message loud and clear in my ears as I walked down the beach playing hide and seek with the waves. I would run further inland each time a wave came for my feet, sometimes I won, and sometimes the waves won.

But through the characteristic sights and sounds of the beach (seagulls, blackbirds, children playing, dogs barking, families building memories together, etc.), the words came unmistakably to me, as I was concluding my walk: "Parenting is Easy".

Now, I will tell you first that I am pretty WOO WOO! I come from a long line of kings and queens who believed in the supernatural. "A bum Ony'Igbo," through and through. I believe in my ancestors and their gods. I believe that my steps and my journey are guided by those who came before me.

I believe that messages are sent to us through nature, and this message was given to me.

My job is to receive the message and make sense of it. It is to accept the challenge and run with it. It is given to me because they know that I will know instinctively what to do with it or find out why it was given to me.

So, this past weekend, I sprang into action right away! At the San Antonio Pride Center's 4th Annual Youth Empowerment Summit, where I facilitated a group session with parents, we learned our ABCs of Easy LGBTQ+ Parenting. These parents who first felt uneasy and reluctant to get into the game, ended up using up all the letters of the alphabet to find words (sometimes multiple) to support the notion that parenting queer kids can actually be easy.

The first point to note is the need for you to let go of the notion that parenting is hard! I know, I know... You are like, umm, Dr. Lulu, what?? Yup... In order to learn new skills and new information, you must first let go/unlearn the misinformation.

The second thing is the need for you to relinquish your need to control everything, especially your kids. This is possibly the most important step in the right direction. Our children do not need a drill sergeant for a parent, they need you. Letting go of your need to control them (or anything else for that matter), is the sauce.

The third thing is for you to abandon the need to predict outcomes. The undying quench to always know what will happen next or how things will turn out. That unfortunately, doesn’t work for parenting, at least, not in my book! All you can truly do is be present in this moment anyway, so, why don't you?

Parenting is as much about raising a child who ultimately wants to have a relationship with you, as it is for you to also grow through the process. For instance, you are not the same person you were when your current teen was a baby, and neither are they. And if their gender or sexuality is also in question, then you must, as a matter of reality, lean into learning all there is to learn, and that means everything, in some cases.

So, here are your ABCDEFs according to Dr. Lulu (the rest are from me and the other parents who were in the session yesterday.)

A. Awareness of your thoughts about the LGBTQ+ community, good or bad. What are they? ????????????A also stands for acceptance of self, that this is your new journey now. I find that this is usually what parents struggle with the most!!

B. Believe your child when they tell you their truth: "I am gay, or I am trans", are not words that anyone uses for playing these days. People are literally losing their lives because of who they are. It's not funny, it's not a choice, and it was definitely not a phase for me.

C. Create a safe space in your heart and in your home, so your child can feel brave enough to invite you into their rainbow world.

D. Decide to affirm, support, and accept your child with or without first fully understanding. Decide, and make it quick, your child's life might literally depend on it. Suffering is knowing what to do, and not deciding to do it.

All you really need is knowledge. Watch my TEDx talk about this here.

E. Empower your child with the words and actions that follow your discovery. Ask open-ended questions and really get curious without judgment. Trust me, they can tell the difference.

F. Feel all your feelings. They are allllll valid. You are entitled to cry, shout, jump for joy, run, mourn, or feel the pain/disappointment of knowing the truth. Just ensure you are experiencing them AWAY from your child.

G. Go get it/Go for it! One of the parents introduced this concept and I absolutely LOVED it! Yes, your child's sexuality/gender is not a death sentence or a terminal illness. It is a thing to actually celebrate if you'd allow yourself.

H. Harness your inner happy place. This is actually very possible. What you focus on is where your energy will go, so, if you want your inner happy place, place your focus on it.

I. Stay Informed and up to date with what is going on around you. Just because you are harnessing your easy parenting process, doesn't mean you do not stay vigilant and in tune with the latest information.

J. Just be present. I absolutely loved this response from one parent! She said we should be intentional and present for our kids. And that's all there is to say right here.

K. Knit something! I thought this was so ingenious! The mom who suggested this was like "Knit something, get creative, do it for yourself and for your child." I say, do it! Your kid will love it :) It might even become a new hobby.

L. Learn as much as you can about what is going on with your child. I agree. Knowledge is power, and applied knowledge is your superpower!

M. Money plays a huge role in your child's journey towards becoming who they need to be. I know you already know this, but, hey, it came up as a word for the letter M, so, there!

N. Be Nice to others who don't get it yet... This was one of my favorite points that was made during the session. And this abuela was right! We have to learn to hold space and show grace to those who are elsewhere along their journey.

O. Be Open to all the twists and turns that will come along with this journey. I agree. Openness is the best way to approach something like this. There is no space for closemindedness, it is literally life and death for some people.

P. Play with your children! When this suggestion was brought up, we all literally cheered! Yes, yes! Don't forget to harness your inner child and play with your kids. In the end, that is what your kids need from you.

Q. Querencia. This mom wanted to use this word which she interpreted to us as "finding home" or "finding your place of belonging". 'Nuff said.

R. Rest Easy. This mom wants you to know that you should not only take frequent rests as part of the journey, but you should look for, and find rest easily. She says the journey is going to be tortuous, so, find rest. I say, why not?

S. Find Safe Spaces for yourself and for your child. Before this point came up, we had shared that some people, including close family members, might not necessarily be safe for you and your child, so, find safe communities.

T. Take time to recharge your batteries. Yup, find the time to refill your cups, to find inner peace. Like the point about resting, this should be an intrinsic part of your easy parenting process.

U. Be U, is what this grandmom said. After all, everyone else is taken. So, be yourself, you truly only know how to be that one person, anyway, right? :) I would also add, don't give your parenting power away to anybody else. Your precious child was given to you for a reason.

V. Vulnerability is beautiful! Yes! This mom wants you to know that you will need to dig deep and find that vulnerable place inside you. This is the place where you will learn from and shine brightly for your child.

W. We, is a joint pronoun, so, let's not forget it! This mom hit the jackpot! She explained that somewhere inside or between the “me”, “she”, “they”, “zer”, and “xir”, etc., is also, we. And we all agree!

X. Gen Xers for the win! Xenophilia is a better practice than Xenophobia, its opposite. And to that I added, 'Xpect the unexpected in your parenting journey!

Y. You are not alone in this journey. There are lots of other parents out there rooting for you. And, You only live once, so make the best of your time here.

Z. Find your Zen and renew your Zest for life! This is not the end of the world, you can also find your joyful parenting…if anything at all, it is a fresh new beginning!

Whooohooo!

You just got served!

At the end of the session, one of the parents said, and I quote, “You have helped me see that parenting my child can actually be easy.”

What about you? What are your thoughts? Which of these options is your favorite? Which one hit you the best and what other words do you have to add to this list? I am eager to know. Please respond to this newsletter and share your thoughts.

If you or someone you know is in distress and struggling with supporting their LGBTQ+ child, kindly share my information with them. And if your place of work is needing assistance with gender education and allyship for the LGBTQ+ community, kindly send them to my site for help, and I'll take it from there.

Your Coach,

Dr. Lulu