Parenting - my route to patience

In another twenty-two days, I would celebrate 18 years of motherhood. Wow! that was really an amazing journey. Much of the moments are happy, joyous and entertaining, together with a lot of roller coaster rides.

Bearing a child, giving birth and raising the child until the legal adulthood, is a job assigned to us without any prior training or a working manual. Even if a person studies and gets trained, the moment the child is born nothing learned earlier is relevant. The undeniable fact is that each of our children is different and what we have applied to one child does not fit into the parenting manual of the second child. Each and every step we take on this journey is trial and error.

My best experience in motherhood, raising two boys; a 17 and 15-year-old, is the patience I gained over the years. Patience is a virtue. Patience means remaining calm, even in the face of a child's extreme acting out behaviour. It is the ability to keep your emotions in check so that you can respond in the most appropriate or effective way, rather than yelling, cursing or saying things you will regret later. Honestly, though, is being that patient even possible? How many times have you felt your patience wearing thin on a 24 hour day?

To put it bluntly honest, I would say I have gone crazy a lot of times over the years. I have done several things I regret. When my children were young, I ruled the house. It was always either my way or the high way. I was a work from home parent, till my younger son reached 9 years. I tried my level best to raise them to be independent so that I could work with a free mind. I proudly could say that I have succeeded in the area. However, the challenges started the moment my boys started their teenage years.

From my readings, I was aware and prepared to face reality; my children's brains are developing and they would try to rationalize anything and everything. They started demanding their way and we had to negotiate and decide on almost everything, although as a parent I can enforce on some ground rules. I wanted to become the parent who is understanding and loving them for who they are and whom they are becoming. Therefore, my relationship with the boys remained intact despite challenges, stressful and upheaval situations. We lived with good terms.

Below is four steps process I learned from Denise Rowden, a Parent Coach. I used this as a framework for increasing my ability to be patient.

1. Identify Your Triggers

As specifically as possible, try to clarify when are you most likely to lose your patience. Where is it most likely to happen? With whom? For example, I tend to lose my patience late in the evening, whenever there’s a time constraint or when they break the rules.

Being tired can also shorten my fuse considerably. I remember when my children were younger, I would say as a pre-emptive warning: “Mom is getting tired standing in the park. Remember, what happens when you do not leave the park on time”

Once you have a clear understanding of your triggers, you can move on to Step Two.

2. Observe How You Respond

Take some time to observe what goes on with you when you are triggered. What happens in your body? Increased heart rate? Sweaty palms? Hard time breathing? Do you feel yourself getting hot?

What thoughts do you have?

• He always pushes back when I say no!
• Why am I the only one who has to deal with this?

And how do you respond when this happens? All of this information is like the pieces of a puzzle and the picture it forms helps you determine your tipping point.

For me, my breathing gets shallow when I’m being triggered. And I start to feel my pulse racing as my anxiety level increases. My thoughts veer towards all-or-nothing thinking:

• Why does he always do this when we’re running late?

These are my clues that my patience is starting to wear thin. By the way, all-or-nothing thinking is a thought pattern where you think in extremes and tend to exaggerate how bad (or good) things are. All-or-nothing thinking is just one of the many ways we can drive ourselves crazy with our own thoughts.

3. Develop a Plan

Now that you know your triggers, you can develop a game plan for when they occur. This plan can include:

• Pre-planning strategy. For example, plan for transition time between work and home to allow you some downtime. Or, ahead of time, establish clear house rules and expectations, write them down, and have clear consequences if they aren’t met.
• In the moment strategy. When it’s happening, step away from the power struggle, take some space to calm down, do deep breathing exercises, and developing some calming self-talk.
• Follow-up. After things have calmed down, plan to review the situation. Sit down with your child and problem-solving his choices, or apologize if you do happen to lose your patience.

Don’t underestimate the power of an apology. Contrary to popular wisdom, it doesn’t lessen your authority with your child. It does role model how to take accountability when your response is less than stellar.

It took me a long time to be able to apologize because it can feel as if you’re admitting fault and your child will somehow use it against you. There is always a chance this could happen but, in my experience, it has made it much easier for my sons and me to move past disputes.

4. Build-in Time for Self-Care

Another important piece to maintaining patience is making sure you’re taking care of you as well as you are taking care of everybody else. 

We tend to put ourselves on the back burner far too often, to the detriment of ourselves and our children. It can be almost impossible to stay on an even keel when you’re frazzled and running on empty.

Taking time to do things you enjoy—activities outside the home, a night out with friends or your significant other, or just taking time to put your feet up and relax—not only recharges your batteries, but also role models self-care for your kids.

I will admit that this one is still a struggle for me. I find it so difficult to put time aside for me to do the things I enjoy. I’ve gotten better, but it’s still a work in progress.

The Power of Prayers

The above strategy worked well most of the time. But the challenges continued for me as my children grew older. Several other factors; such as my children living away from their dad, my second marriage, the influence of friends, gaming and social media created a lot of chaos. There were several times when I felt that this is the end of the world for me. However, as a true believer in Islam and its teaching, I turned towards prayers and continued asking from Allah for guidance. I believe that's where my strength to face another day comes from. I believe that's where I get the real patience from.

The more challenges I face, the closer I get to Allah SWT. I try to consistently hold on to Thahajjud and Lhuha Prayer. Below are two Dua's I recite in each and every Sujood.

???????? ???? ????? ???? ???????????? ???????????????? ??????? ???????? ???????????? ?????????????? ????????

“Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous.” ~ Quran, Chapter 25, Verse 74

????? ?????????? ??????? ?????????? ?????? ??????????? ? ???????? ??????????? ???????

My Lord, make me an establisher of prayer, and [many] from my descendants. Our Lord, and accept my supplication. Quran, Chapter 14, Verse 51

Patience is steady perseverance. Coming back, time and again, trying to be more effective, trying to do our best to help our children grow and develop into successful adults, that is steady perseverance. It’s a different, more significant kind of patience: hanging in and doing the hard stuff, even when we feel like giving up.

I am very grateful to Allah SWT for giving me enough patience to face each day. Al'Hamdhu Lillah! If you feel like you need an ear to listen, as always, I am your cheerleader. Smile and enjoy the journey!