In Parenting, Make the Distinction: What Parents "Are" vs. What Parents "Do"

In our fast-paced, achievement-oriented society, we often find ourselves caught up in the whirlwind of tasks and responsibilities. As a fun exercise, I invite you to reflect on the question: What is a parent?

When posed with this question, many people tend to respond by listing the activities and duties of parenting—feeding, nurturing, educating, and disciplining. However, the inquiry calls for a deeper exploration of identity: what parents are rather than what they do. This subtle but significant distinction is crucial for understanding the complexities of parenting and its impact on society.

So, why do we conflate what parents "are" with what they "do"? This tendency can be traced back to societal expectations that often equate parenting with a series of actions and achievements. We live in an era where success is measured by outcomes—grades, behaviour, and milestones. In this context, the role of a parent is often reduced to a checklist of tasks, sidelining the intrinsic qualities that define parenthood, such as love, empathy, patience, and resilience.

This conflation poses several challenges for parents and their families. When self-worth is tied solely to performance, parents can develop an overwhelming sense of inadequacy. The pressure to meet unrealistic standards often leads to stress and burnout, affecting their well-being and ability to forge genuine connections with their children.

Recognising parents for who they are, rather than solely for their actions, opens a compassionate space for healing and understanding. Many adults grapple with the lingering effects of their upbringing, yearning to "get over" the harm caused by their parents. Yet, they often find themselves stuck, entangled in a web of hurt and resentment.

By reframing the narrative to focus on the identity of parents—acknowledging their humanity, their struggles, and their imperfections—we create an opportunity for growth. This perspective encourages individuals to see their parents as complex beings shaped by their own experiences rather than as perpetrators of harm.

I have encountered numerous adults who, in their quest for healing, feel burdened by the weight of their past. In these moments, I often offer a gentle reminder: Your parents are who they are, not solely what they did to you. This shift in focus can be a crucial starting point for those seeking to navigate the path toward forgiveness and understanding. Embracing this perspective allows individuals to process their experiences with compassion, paving the way for deeper connections and a more nuanced understanding of both themselves and their parents.

Moreover, when society views parents merely as doers, it overlooks the essential qualities that foster healthy relationships. Children learn about love, trust, and emotional intelligence not just from what their parents do but from who their parents are. The values, attitudes, and emotional presence of parents play a crucial role in shaping the next generation.

As a society, we must recognise that effective parenting encompasses more than just actions; it involves being present and nurturing a loving environment. When we celebrate parents for their identity rather than their productivity, we foster a culture that values connection over accomplishment.

Take a moment to reflect on the essence of parenthood. By distinguishing what parents "are" from what they "do," we not only support the well-being of parents but also contribute to a healthier, more compassionate society. So, the next time you ponder the question, "What is a parent?" consider looking beyond the tasks and celebrate the remarkable individuals who embody the role.

To close, here’s a simple exercise to challenge your perspective on parenting:

Exercise: (Re)Defining Parenthood

Take a moment, either by yourself or with family and friends, and ask: "What is a parent?"

As you listen to the responses, notice how quickly people shift into describing what parents do—provide, discipline, teach, and care for. Then, redirect the conversation: “But who are parents?”

Reflect on how parents’ values, emotions, and personal qualities shape their children beyond the day-to-day tasks. Consider whether focusing on being rather than just doing could change how we view, support, and appreciate parenting in our lives and society. You may be surprised at how this shift opens up new ways of thinking about the true essence of parenthood.