Parenting & Leadership. And Everything but the Girl.

Norway was blessed with marvelous summer weather throughout most of June. As a commuting father between Copenhagen and Oslo, where my wife and two sons live, this has given me fantastic outdoor possibilities during the weekends to hang out with Magnus, my 4-year-old son.

On a sunlit Saturday, we went for a sailing trip to a hidden bay in the Oslo Fjord. The little beach was totally empty.  Goats were grazing on a steep hill that led into the crystal clear ocean water. We swam and climbed on the cliffs, where Magnus and I – covered together in one big Paw Patrol towel – grilled sausages. Every time a larger boat would pass by in the distance, the waves sloshed on the rocks. Nordic idyll.

On Sunday, the rain came in and turned our home town Heggedal into little London. Magnus was dying to go for another swim and I decided to take him to the local indoor swimming pool. A fantastic modern hall, but a slightly less impressive setting than the Oslo Fjord. Somewhat reluctant, I drove with my son to R?ykenbadet. Little did I know that this would become an even bigger inspiration than the beauty of Norway’s  nature.

During the 15 minute car ride Magnus kept on talking about the big water slide tunnel and the flashing lights in it. But when we entered the swimming hall from the men’s locker room, he saw a boy of his age jumping off the lowest of diving boards. He also wanted to give it a go. “Of course,” I said, “but be careful,” and I made sure his inflatable yellow water wings sat tight.  

Without the slightest sense of fear and a unique mixture of excitement and focus in his eyes, he climbed the five steps towards the diving board, ran and jumped into the unknown while closing his nose with his left-hand thumb and index finger, as he had been thought in his outdoor kindergarten.

I was waiting in the water seemingly calm with my arms spread on the pool edge, but worried to death that single second - which felt like an hour - Magnus was under water. Fortunately, he came back up and drifted directly towards me.

“Did you see that papa, I did it! I jumped from the diving board,” he shouted. “Great job, my boy,” I said, while I patted him on the head. “Now it’s your turn,” he smiled. “Naah, that’s way too easy for grown-ups,” I answered. “Take that one then,” he pointed enthusiastically at the second highest diving board, which was 5 meters above the water.

 WEATHERING HEIGHTS

“Damn it,” I thought. I’ve never been a fan of great heights. The last time I jumped at least 5 meters down, I was 18. I wanted to impress a girl. Obviously. We were both standing on a cliff in Corfu, a 10 minute scooter ride from our Club Med resort. Making the jump would make me win her heart, as I had been thought in several rom-coms. But I fell straight on my back. And…I didn’t get the girl after all. That was the end of me trying to overcome my fear of heights. But today this was my son asking. My successor, my heir. I didn’t want him to see me as a coward. I needed to show courage.

So I walked up, with a heavy heart. I stopped at the end of the diving board, bend a bit down and looked at Magnus, who was standing by the side of the pool, looking up with great expectations. But because I moved my weight a bit down, the diving board started shaking, which made me lose my balance and forced me to jump earlier than foreseen. My dive wasn’t that much more graceful than the one 17 years ago, but at least I didn’t fall on my back. I weathered the height. That’s the beauty of having kids. They not only push you towards the boundaries of having a sleepless life, they also make you do stuff which you would normally never do as an adult anymore.

When I came back up and crawled my way to the pool edge, there was this little boy bouncing and shining of pride. “You did it papa,” he shouted. “My dad jumped from very high,” he said to a man passing by. I took Magnus up, gave him a kiss on his forehead and looked into his grey-green eyes, which were surrounded by a circle of remarkably long eyelashes, accentuated by the water drops. Curved black little diving boards.

At that moment, an 18-year old testosterone monkey jumped from the highest diving board and bombed perfectly into the pool. Water splashed into our eyes. A girl, sitting next to us, applauded loudly. He swam to her, lifted himself up and kissed her on the mouth. He got the girl. But I couldn’t care less. I had gained my boy’s heart. I had EVERYTHING…but the girl.

So what the hell does this tell me about inspirational leadership, you might be thinking?

EGO IS THE ENEMY

Well, I believe that showing inspirational leadership starts with stopping to obstinately uphold an image of invulnerability. Surely, this was a crucial characteristic in times when villages where under constant threat of being plundered by wild men. But demonstrating invulnerability might give you a strong amount of reverence, you won’t inspire people that way in a modern work environment. Not on the long run. Why? Because you will never be able to truly connect to your team.

Going up to that 5-metre diving board meant I was challenging a big fear. And once I was on my way up, I couldn’t care less how I would look like on the diving board – which sixpack? – and how Olympic my jump would appear. I simply left my ego behind. That’s where my magic happens. I dare to move beyond my self-created boundaries, because there is no more artificial image I need to uphold. “Impressing people is utterly different from being truly impressive” (Ego is the Enemy, Ryan Holiday). That’s what I also sensed during my time as a captain of our national tennis team. I wasn’t the best player, but my team mates respected me because I would always be ready to take the hit for the team. Although my long hair, flashy yellow shoes and preppy white Hilfiger-outfit would make people think otherwise, I considered my ego as much less important than the interest of the team. A good leader has no room for a big ego. (S)He is too busy helping others, practicing servant leadership.

Moving beyond my own personal comfort zone gives me confidence that other people can do similar things. That’s why after my jump I was looking for Magnus to try out something new. We walked up towards the slide and at the start of the tunnel, Magnus pushed the ‘disco’ button, which made the tunnel light up in purple, yellow and green. He turned around and asked “You hold on to me, right papa?” “Of course,” I answered, put him on my lap and started to slide down. “But only in the beginning,” I whispered. I gave him a gentle push… and I let him go.

“Papaaaaa,” he shouted. The tunnel turned most likely a couple of seconds completely dark for him, sliding into the unfamiliar. I sat up straight and found the right pace so I could still have a look at Magnus racing down. “You’re doing fine Magnus, daddy’s straight behind you,” I shouted. When we met each other at the end of his discovery descent, he was extremely happy and screamed “I did it all by myself!”.

A very effective way of creating a strong connection is by moving beyond your comfort zones together. And that is what happened that afternoon. We both changed a bit. For the better. This made me think about a turbulent referendum a couple of years ago in a Southern European country. One of my leaders was there as an international observer, I accompanied him as his press officer. We stood together at the back of a huge crowd trying to make it to the voting ballots. Holding his observer’s badge up high, he walked through the mass, courageously bluffing his way passed the armed forces. He gave me the free choice to join him or not. I decided to remain by his side, which gave me a front-row view to a historical political event. That day (actually the whole weekend) proved to be a crash course in crisis communications. I am still really grateful for that sign of courage from my former leader. And for not having lost my eye from a stray rubber bullet, which whizzed by my ear that Indian Summer Sunday. I will always connect that afternoon to courage and vulnerability, two crucial values to make change happen.

MAD MEN CULTURE

I believe that good leaders know when to let go. But they also know when they need to offer their employees a challenge. Finding the right timing and using the right push. They have to be close to their people in order to listen, observe and intervene in the most effective way. Being proximate, but giving them space. Silence is in that sense often golden. All too chatty managers often miss important observations, nuances in someone’s behavior. That’s a mistake I made as a beginning tennis coach, trying to prove my value by giving non-stop advice and constantly adjusting the pupil’s technique. Intervening less gave me more time to observe and to focus on crucial changes. Also, those who listen well, are able to proactively identify and tackle points of worry, which I consider the ultimate proof of a caring and engaged leader. There’s a huge difference between on the one hand asking the right questions and providing valuable support and on the other hand ticking off a questionnaire and firing off random information.

Inspiring leaders serve as serenely burning torches suggesting the right path. What do YOU want to do? What direction do YOU want to take? Those questions always need to be in the back of their mind, pushing their employees to chase their professional dreams, and providing them with a clear idea of where they can be in a couple of years. Helping them to improve on a daily basis and offering them a long-term perspective.

That is why I’m very lucky to have found accessible and ambitious leaders at Chr. Hansen who cherish these principles, own these characteristics and try to trigger and shape their people’s intrinsic motivation. I am even being encouraged to write these kind of articles, because this strengthens my drafting skills and at the same time ignites my passion. Not a Mad Men culture where the management tells their employees to stop writing in their spare time, as they should not be diverting any attention from their job. These leaders at Chr. Hansen also strive to nurture the company’s culture of entrepreneurship where making mistakes is strongly accepted as long as you learn from them. This is deeply connected to the principle of trust. And trust can only be established through transparency and an ongoing, honest dialogue. Without fear for retaliation.

In short, a modern leader needs to adopt a personal approach, there is no other way. How personal? That depends on the needs of mostly the employee. “From the moment we are born, we straddle two sets of contradicting needs: the need for security and the need for freedom (Letters from Esther, Esther Perel). Some people want to be taken care of in their relationships, while others crave for a strong sense of independence.

1:1

This is when the 1:1 comes into the picture. To be honest, I was a bit skeptical when I was introduced to the concept of 1:1. A corporate custom without a direct advantage, I thought as a guy with a strong focus on independence in all my relationships in life. Wouldn’t it be better to just get on with your work? I can’t say I never had a 1:1 during my career as a spokesperson in EU politics. But almost every time those 1:1 moments where on the go, not at a defined moment, always without a decent preparation. No real time for it. Always serving the politician’s schedule. Which I perfectly accepted. That’s the political game and being part of a transactional bubble. The politicians needed to be re-elected. People use other people to achieve that. Every possible interview, meeting or local event could contribute to their visibility, which would augment their chances of getting voted for. A 1:1 seemed forced, unnecessary quality time. The issues of the day were considered as more important than keeping the fundaments of the work relationship strong. It would be a real challenge for the political world to evolve into a more transformational setting, where personal employee development is considered essential to maximize the politician’s chances to get re-elected because (s)he has the strongest possible team behind her. 

After three months in my new, non-political work environment, I truly value the possibility of standing still for a moment and defining possible issues or simply acknowledging past accomplishments together with my leader. Otherwise years at the office pass by without even realizing what you have achieved. These moments nourish the sense that I am actually contributing in a positive way. Many people simply need those small gestures of recognition and to feel that they are a meaningful part of a durable project, where they have the best possibilities to realize their potential. Real leaders should make time for that. Putting the smartphone on mute – not a given in the communication industry - , being all ears and fully present. Feeling seen, feeling heard, feeling understood and feeling cared for, as Bob Chapman puts it.

By the same token, that afternoon with Magnus made me realize from a different perspective how valuable those 1 on 1 moments can be. Of course I couldn’t have an intense and highly qualitative dialogue with my 4-year-old son. Surely, my boy is a genius, but you can’t expect him to already start showing that. Joking aside, without any external distractions we had two whole hours to evaluate where we both are in our relationship. Touching base, to use another corporate term. But on a more profound level. Just the two of us. Building castles in the sky. This is also why I believe it’s so crucial for couples with demanding careers and/or with young kids to have those 1:1 moments. Otherwise they lose true connection and what only remains is a focus on performance, or worse, survival. 1:1s are sanctuaries next to the life’s highway. Private pit-stops to assess how you practice your key values.

FLOWER POWER

Do I consider myself now as an inspirational leader? Hell no. The visit to the swimming pool proved to be at the most a crash course in inspiring a 4-year-old and exhibiting in a way situational leadership. For an afternoon. Nevertheless, raising kids does provide you with tons of valuable life lessons and insights into fast forward learning processes. Also the leadership guru Simon Sinek recognizes strong similarities between parenting and leadership. In his podcast with Bob Chapman they discuss the notion that everybody’s someone’s precious child, which means everyone should be taken care of. Caring is contagious. And by that, you build good people. Just like you want to build good children.

That’s exactly what happens at Chr. Hansen. People take care of each other. As long as you mean well and do your absolute best. We believe in unleashing the power of good bacteria, not in power flower. We work hard to achieve that purpose. But caring is simply a genuine part of the corporate culture. Bob Chapman’s company, which according to Sinek personifies in many ways the ideal corporate values, shows strong similarities with Chr. Hansen. I am just bootlicking his employer, you might be thinking. Perhaps. But that would mean there’s a whole army of bootlickers. Not only is Chr. Hansen the world’s most sustainable food company, in an employee survey conducted by JobIndex.dk it is the only employer in Denmark that deserves a 5-star appraisal. People simply love to come to the office here. And find fulfillment.

Another crucial insight from Sinek’s podcast: the leadership model affects the family life of the employee. Given my specific situation as a commuting father, that family life is a returning sincere question from my leaders. I had always thought that I should be grateful to have a job and to simply adapt my personal situation accordingly. But at Chr. Hansen delivering good work and having a happy family are inextricably entwined.

If you can match these kind of leaders to your own truthful leadership of yourself, that could be a great combo. Other leaders can play a significant role in your career and your self-development, but in the end it’s only you who can practice all these holy principles and make life-changing decisions. There’s not a single other person who can do that for you. So take responsibility and find a safe place with inspiring people to practice what you consider important. In the end you’re leading your own career, you’re your own leader trying to direct all your ambitions, emotions and responsibilities in the right way. You can’t expect everything to come from your leader. There’s more to their career than you. “As leaders, we’re asked to understand what motivates each individual on our team and manage them accordingly. What a challenging ask of leaders, particularly those with large or dispersed teams and those who are already overwhelmed by their own workloads” (Lisa Lai, Harvard Business Review).

 INFLUENCERS

So move yourself beyond those inspirational slogans on Instagram published by tanned IT girls posing with their designer bikinis on beaches in Bali or guys with high cheekbones sipping matcha teas from terraces in Le Marais. “It’s never too late to become what you might have been.” or “Gratitude is an attitude.” BLABLABLA. These influencers are followed by millions, but inspiring no one in a substantial way. To truly inspire others, you need to connect actions to your self-defined values, living up to them. Otherwise they’re cheap tattoos only visible to yourself. BE kind, patient and ambitious.

Did I inspire Magnus that afternoon? I think so. When we left the locker room, I bought him an ice cream. He was licking the final parts of his white Magnum in the cafeteria, making the M in the middle of the stick half visible. In the background I could hear kids screaming, maybe trying to catch each other on the slide. Suddenly the rain was hitting heavily on the large windows and the thunder that had been patiently hiding all day made the kids go quiet for a small second. “Let’s stay a couple more minutes here,” I said. Time stood still. I gazed with pure admiration at my oldest son. By the first lightning, Magnus had finished his ice cream and was staring at the diving board I had jumped off. I smiled and wiped away his white mustache with a napkin. “Next time I’ll jump from that one, papa” he said.