Parenting and Leadership: 7 Lessons I Learnt

"Parenthood is above all a relationship, not a skill to be acquired." Neufeld & Mate

In recent weeks I worked with many leaders who are fathers and mothers, and the topic of parenting came up in many discussions. Hearing these parenting stories from leaders was heartwarming:?

They shared stories about their love for and friendship with their children, questioning what type of role models they are and want to be, what is right and what is wrong, what is too much, what is too little, where to show vulnerability, where to be tough, and ultimately how to support their children at every stage of their lives.?

We become parents, unaware of the responsibility that comes with it. Whatever our reason and emotion to start a family, I wonder how many of us are truly prepared for what awaits us in this long, beautiful and sometimes painstaking journey.?

This blog post is dedicated as acknowledgement and gratitude to fathers and mothers and those who care for and raise children.?

Becoming a Mother and the Parallels to Leadership

I am a mother of two grown-up, young women. I always say motherhood was the biggest shock of my life.?

I wish I could share the story that motherhood was the most fulfilling, most rewarding and greatest transformation in my life. But motherhood did not come to me this way. It came as a change in my freedom and career aspirations. As much as I love my daughters and cannot imagine life without them, I am also passionate about my work, relationships and career.? It took me some time to find the right balance between motherhood and my career.

I know I made many mistakes raising my girls. We never get it right. We say life is not in a straight line; well, neither is parenting. I remember days when I felt it?was the greatest joy of my life, my heart bursting with love and fulfillment — and then other days of fear, pain and sadness, never certain, always wondering, am I doing it right??

And this happens to each of us as we parent. We don’t have the right answers, and when we think we do, it has a completely different outcome – a lot like leadership.

Here are the lessons I took as a mother and as a leader:

1. Self-Awareness Frees You to Be Authentic

When I became a mother, I promised myself I would stay home with my baby for her first three years.?

I went back to work within six months, feeling forever guilty and an inadequate mother.?

I thought, right, this motherhood thing and me — I am obviously a terrible mother.?

As I reflect back on my journey, I became aware of the preconceptions I had on motherhood, perhaps having observed my own mother, a devoted mother who sacrificed her career and life to raise her children. I soon learnt that image of motherhood was not me.?

Instead, I designed the version of motherhood that worked for me and my family. It was quality over quantity, to be there for my girls when it mattered most.?

As in leadership, we might have a preconceived image of what a leader should be and do. You might have a role model in mind, a Barack Obama or a previous boss. However, don’t let that image hold you back. Through self-reflection, identify the kind of leader you want to be: your core values, what matters most to you, and what your red lines are.?

Self-awareness is the foundation of leadership and where you learn to lead authentically.

2. Creating Values and Developing Culture Creates Strong Bonds

While our family time was short, reduced to breakfast and supper time together, it was OUR time as a family. We established rituals around these times we spent together: Chatting over dinner, bath and play time, and regular storytelling. Some of my most treasured memories from motherhood are from this period of time.

Some of my clients tell me how they were forced by their parents to go on hikes and how much they hated it when they were young. Yet today, it has shaped their love for nature.?

Observing regular rituals forms values and builds culture. They provide consistency and safety for children.?

The leader’s role, similarly, is to enhance values and develop culture; to role model the behaviours for the company.?

Think, what are the rituals you create within your organisation and how and how often they are communicated? Through the Covid pandemic, one of my clients started making weekly videos for employees, not only to keep morale up, but also to communicate consistent news and messages during this time of uncertainty. This formed a ritual and culture in the organisation.??

3. Setting Purpose and Vision Keeps Everyone Moving Towards the Goal

From their days as a toddler, setting and accomplishing goals supports children to work towards something, to have purpose and vision. School and education, for example, provide a consistent cycle in their lives and set an end goal and vision they can work towards: to gain the self-confidence to walk alone.?

Strong leadership reinforces and regularly communicates purpose and vision. While we might think the message is clear, keep reinforcing and reminding employees and teams what you are doing and WHY you are doing it.?

Not only is the why important, but hope is important. Leadership is painting a realistic picture, but also one based on belief, "we can do this together."?

4. Learning to Trust Sparks Growth

Depending on the situation and your child, trust is a big word. Through every stage of life, we need to develop trust towards our children: when they take their first steps, make friendships, learn to be honest in relationships, take responsibility for actions, and accept that they might make good and bad choices in life.?

I remember when my 15-year-old daughter turned to me and said, “Mommy, do you trust me? I will make mistakes, but that is the way I will learn.”?I wonder if she read the shock on my face, saying, "Whaaaa? How can a 15-year-old have such wisdom? I’m the parent! I’m the one who should have the wisdom!" Luckily, I held back on the shock and replied in a way to show trust and caution.

Trust fosters confidence. It grows our children into adults.?

As for leadership, trust is crucial . There is much research on the impact trust has on teams and organisations. Leaders who build trust create the basis of higher performing teams and give them space to experiment, learn and grow. The absence of trust, on the other hand, causes a silo mentality, and a them-and-us culture, lack of communication, and power wars.

5. Empowering and Developing Others

I often use this analogy in my coaching work: Remembering our children as toddlers, one day they begin to crawl and gradually they are ready to walk. They stand on one foot, then on another, wobble and fall. Every time they fall, we are there, encouraging them, our arms stretched out, assuring them they can do it, to try and try again. Finally, success! Did we ever doubt them?

When they are young, they are fearless. As they grow, so too do their doubts and limiting beliefs. Our role as parents is to continue our encouragement and belief in them, even when it might be a stretch of their abilities.

I have found the strongest leaders are those who are able to empower and develop others. They believe in people and give them that slight nudge (sometimes a hard push) outside their comfort zones and that is where growth and development happens.??

Yet, many leaders tend to micro-manage, sometimes unconsciously and sometimes consciously. Micro-managing defeats the purpose of developing and empowering others. If anything, it sends the message of distrust and creates a lack of confidence.?

By empowering others, we are telling them we trust and believe in them. When we develop them, we push them to grow, to have a vision for the future and to be the best version of themselves.?

6. Managing Diversity to Get the Best Out of Everyone Individually

Each person, every child is unique. Even though my daughters are only two years apart and received the same upbringing, values and rituals, their personalities, how they think, and process information is so very different.?

As Neufeld and Mate wrote, "Parenthood is above all a relationship, not a skill to be acquired." One child might be more rational, the other more emotional, they have different needs. We, in turn, must learn to communicate, manage and motivate them differently.?

It took me a long time to figure this one out, and I probably still have not got it right.?

Similarly in leadership, we manage and motivate people differently. There is no one-size-fits-all.?

I know many leaders who take time with each member in their team to get to know them, to understand what motivates them, what their beliefs are, and what is important to them. Once they have ascertained this, they apply different techniques to their team members. This fosters and appreciates diversity.

7. Celebrating Success and Learning from Failure

Celebrating success and achievement is important. It fosters self-worth and self-esteem. So is learning from failure, building resilience and the ability to process failure and disappointment, how to let go and move on.

The same applies in leadership. Celebrating success on an individual, team and organisational level is crucial. It enhances purpose, goal, vision and team spirit. There are many lessons to learn from failure and how leaders approach failure. Do they discuss it openly? Do they show vulnerability? Do they reflect on lessons learnt??

The Best We Can Do

I often ask myself, what is my wish for my children??

I wish for them to be socially responsible adults, to be able to create and maintain meaningful relationships, to be kind, to communicate honestly and to stand their ground.

It is this answer which guides me as a mother.

I often tell my girls, we (my husband and I) are not perfect parents, we don’t always have the right answers, but we love and support you and we do the best we can.?

That is all we can do, nothing more, nothing less.

As I end this piece, I would love to engage with other parents to ask you to take a minute and reflect on your parenting???

• What are your lessons learnt??
• What do you do well?
• What could you do differently?
• What kind of role model are you for your child (children)?
• What else?