Parenting adult children: not a smooth ride, but it's worth it

Children grow up whether you're ready for it or not. They begin to make choices and decisions—and even have relationships—that you know nothing about. In other words, they begin to build lives that are separate from their parents. And they seem to start the process when you're not looking, or so you think. Hey, when did the growing up happen?

If you think being a parent to your toddlers was hectic, brace yourself. Parenting adult children is one of the most difficult—and yet least discussed life transitions facing today's parents.?Everyone is discussing and advising on toddler tantrums and how to deal with teen hormones and although it was no picnic, there is not so much for how to parent adult children. It may be good that your diaper-changing days and sleepless nights are over but if you are confused about whether to feel relieved or conflicted about this change, it's time to embrace your adult child's independence and enjoy a new phase of parenthood.

?Seeing your children become adults is a very rewarding experience that is if they turn out to be good citizens and responsible adults. On the contrary, you would wish or sometimes to disown them completely and that is very painful for both.

Being a parent to adult children (20s and 30s), I often find myself challenged as to how I can play my role as a 'digital and cool parent' or risk the wrath for being 'mama mtata' (conservative and hard to please) by being authoritative.?Where should I strike the balance??I have learned that the learning process never ends, regardless of how many kids you have.

There is no right way of doing things because every individual is unique but of course, there have to be basics that the family should abide by. It is not a 'one-size-fits-all' thing.

I believe today's parents with grown-up children will agree with me that we have been through a big transition when we look back and wonder how did we get through that? How could I manage studies, career, parenting, relationships, aging, and taking care of our parents and sometimes siblings too? Just, HOW?

Today, we are parents to children born in the 90s and later. The scenario in their upbringing is different from the one we grew up in. During those times, a parent remained the authoritative figure whether one is 10 or 50 years old. The whole village would intervene in parenting if need were. There was no negotiation or discussion on issues regarding the child's welfare. Maybe it was a defense mechanism they created for themselves against the challenges brought by growing children, or they did not know how else to handle these situations.?

We are now a confused generation, having experienced a conservative upbringing, and then having to adopt the futuristic or diplomatic style when bringing up ours. We realize the traditional style doesn't work with our offspring, so we have to come up with a cocktail of many techniques. Today, some kids may not have as many personal responsibilities, like cooking and laundry as we did which can stifle their independence and make it difficult for them to transition into adulthood.?We did all that and more, but I believe we came out fine. The millennials today opt for an automated life which in some cases does not work although it is the norm in this fast-paced world.

Young adults are often influenced by their environment, so it's not surprising that growing up now is different than it was two decades ago, especially when you look at all of the medical and technological advances we've seen since. Today, technology helps many families and friends to keep in touch, but the constant ability for kids to communicate with others via text and on social media even if it comes with some risks. Sometimes we as parents don't understand this 'teknolojia thing' although for them it is quite okay and even preferable to most. We prefer to communicate and socialize in person, not on social media, banange!

Nowadays, as parents, we have to learn how to share our wisdom and insight (without being critical) because your children may have a very different temperament than ours, and they may not always respond well to your suggestions as helpful as you think they may be. If they sense the slightest criticism, they may even shut down completely. If you're sharing wisdom, do so with grace and sensitivity. It's confusing, right??

How does an African parent share wisdom with grace and sensitivity? We feel deluded by our authority, which is not a good feeling. This is one of the many challenges in parenting adult children, but it is also a strong way to build a bond of understanding and empathy with them as well. Learn how they communicate. I know it is difficult, but we can at least attempt. That is why in the beginning I said, the process is constant learning.

Parenting young adults requires that you strike a very delicate balance. As your children are moving off into their own lives, we too are beginning to build a life—one that is no longer centered on their needs.

I don't know if any of us are prepared for this stage, most of the time, a piece of your heart is across town or the country. It's filled in by the piece of your big kid's heart you carry with you all of the time.

Keep in mind that even though your children have achieved young adulthood, there will still be plenty of opportunities for you to do some good parenting. This is a blessed feeling and most rewarding too.

We are a blessed generation; don't you think so?

Rehema Mtingwa