Parenting 101: How to use "Empathetic Assertiveness" to strike a balance between "Nurture" and "Structure"?

As parents, we wonder how we can foster an environment in our homes and in our relationships with our children that will prepare them to face the challenges that life throws at them when they grow up and move out into the world. The type of parenting we employ can have a significant impact on this.

“Empathy is the foundation of parenting. It is watching our child’s frustration and focusing on how life feels in the little child’s body while putting our own frustration and agenda into the background.”

 As a father of a three-year-old son, living in these bleak times of Covid, I can tell you that this is easier said than done. Nowadays, living in nuclear families with both parents working long hours, it is hard to balance professional work, private life goals, and household chores with the critical job of raising a child. With such hectic schedules, it's nearly impossible to keep the frustration and agenda at bay while dealing with the child. Empathy does not seem to provide all of the answers. Due to paucity of time; anger, frustration, helplessness, and guilt all become natural accomplices. This, we all know, is the wrong way to raise a child which can have far-reaching negative implications on the future of the child. The question then becomes, what can be done to provide a structure that will assist us in dealing with the problem?

 There is no denying that empathy is absolutely critical. If parents are not sensitive to their child's emotions, it can result in a great deal of emotional trauma for the child. As parents, we must be mindful of our actions because children learn primarily by mimicking the actions of their elders. A child's emotional needs are entirely dependent on his parents, and when these needs are not met, it can lead to apathy, aggression, and a fragile sense of self. According to research, such children have significantly higher rates of depression, anxiety, drug and alcohol abuse, and suicide when they reach adulthood. 

 In order to become more empathetic as parents, we must ask the three questions below when confronted with a difficult situation with our children:

 1. What is going on in my child's mind?

It's about attempting to understand how he feels. Taking note of all verbal and nonverbal cues that may be causing the child to feel this way.

 2. When in my life, have I experienced this emotion?

It is not only attempting to recognize what is going on in the child's head, but also imagining ourselves in that situation using our previous experiences.

 3. What might have been the most beneficial advice to me, when I was experiencing this emotion?

It is about recalling the last time we were chastised, humiliated, or treated unfairly. Did it compel us to cooperate? No, it did not. Therefore, it comes down to taking compassionate action. It is about being kind, forgiving, and loving.

 Initially, as a new parent, I struggled a lot whenever my son cried or threw a tantrum. Either I got flustered or I got aggressive threatening my child to stop crying. In this regard, asking the three questions mentioned above went a long way toward resolving many of the initial stumbling blocks.

However, alone asking these questions is not enough. For example, when my son was about a year old, he used to throw a lot of tantrums when he was served food that he didn't like. I empathised with him, telling myself, he's just a kid, it's natural for him to dislike certain foods, I too used to be like this! Then I'd ask my wife to prepare something that my son would enjoy. But this was an unsustainable practise and we knew it. One day, we discussed this problem with our paediatrician, who provided us with two sound pieces of advice.

1.    He stated that it is human nature to adhere to rules and habits. If you have established the habit with your child that he has an alternative, then, it is natural for him to cry or throw a tantrum in order to persuade you to give him his favourite food!

2.    When someone is hungry, it's human nature to eat whatever you can get your hands on. So, if you give your child something to eat and he starts crying, let him cry. Try to pacify him, but don't give him an alternative. He will eat when he is truly hungry; just make sure the food you serve is tasty!

This advice worked wonders, and within a few weeks, my child was eating a wide variety of food. The issue, we realised, was not with the child, but with ourselves. We were too submissive to our child's needs. As parents, we learned an important lesson from this incident: the importance of setting boundaries and being assertive about them.

If parents are overly submissive and empathetic to their child's needs, it indicates that they are struggling to set proper boundaries. When a child is not held responsible for his behaviour, he does not learn to respect his parents. This damages the parent-child relationship and also builds a sense of negative self-esteem in the child.

The best way to overcome this conundrum is to employ "Empathetic Assertiveness." This is about attempting to find a win-win situation. As parents, we must empathise with what the child wants, understand his point of view calmly, and use our judgement in deciding whether to say "Yes" or "No" in a clear, concise, and direct explanation. The parents must "take charge" of the situation and be firm in their "No's."

To send consistent messages to the child, parents must establish clear ground rules of "Yes" and "No" things. If the child continues to throw tantrums, it is acceptable for the parents to express their true feelings while keeping in mind that the message should be consistent. When the child understands the ground rules, the parents can become slightly more flexible and invite the child to take more responsibility in finding alternative solutions.

For instance, my kid absolutely loves going to the park. Due to my hectic schedule, I have set a 1-hour rule for him to play at the park. Earlier, he used to cry whenever it was time to leave the park. Despite all my coaxing and empathy, he used to cry all the way back home. Each time, it broke my heart. But I persisted with the 1-hour rule with a heavy heart. After a few weeks, his crying became weaker and weaker until one day it finally stopped. Now, he cries once in a while and I give him some flexibility to carry on playing for another 15-20 minutes.

In “Empathetic Assertiveness” the child is prepared for both disappointments and rewards, and thus is grounded in life's realities. They learn to be empathetic and responsible for themselves. They have a higher level of trust in you and learn to deal with difficult situations at a younger age. As clear ground rules are established, they learn to be more self-sufficient and develop a basic sense of trust in their relationships. Thus, the parents are able to strike the perfect balance of "Nurture" and "Structure" by using these principles of "Empathetic Assertiveness."

To summarize, below are steps that parents can apply in their day-to-day lives to have more “Empathetic Assertiveness” in their parenting.

Of course, each child is unique and most often it’s common sense and experience that teaches us what works and what does not. Personally, for me, these 6 steps have helped me a great deal to implement “Empathetic Assertiveness” in parenting. Hope it helps you too. Thank you for reading.