Parental Leave as a Midwestern Dad

Note: I’m writing this during parental leave on fairly small amounts of sleep, so please excuse any incorrect uses of grammar, sentences that I may have nodded off in-between, and strings of semi-coherent thoughts. Thank you.

This is coming from a proud parent of a two year old boy, and as of three weeks ago, a newborn girl with my partner Madeline. Both kiddos have brought their own unique set of struggles. While they’ve been far from the most challenging births; we certainly haven’t had the easiest pregnancies, births, nor the easiest postpartum experiences. The subjects of which have not been openly talked about in the past which is part of the reason I’m writing this today.

With that, I’d like to tell you a short story/perspective about what it’s been like becoming a Midwestern dad. And how paid parental leave factors into it.

Co-Parenting and the Graveyard Shift

Right now it’s 2:00am on a Thursday. I’m taking the graveyard shift with a dim light on, and I’m sitting on the couch holding my newborn daughter after a nighttime feeding/diaper changing. Just about to set her down in a bassinet for, hopefully, 2-3 hours before doing it all over again.

I’ve been taking the graveyard shift, and will probably continue to do so until our newborn can sleep longer than three hours. My partner wakes up to every noise she makes during her sleep. Her mom ears can do this. My dad ears are apparently tuned to ignore the small noises and wake up during the important feeding time cries. And it doesn’t do anybody any good if both parents are lacking in sleep, so shifts have made sense this time around. A far cry from our first experience as parents.

As I talk about my parental role and duties with others (cleaning, laundry, cooking easy meals, and caring for both the mother and kiddos) I notice it’s a contemporary version of dads in past generations. What is to be expected from a father, both in work and home, has been a contentious topic and continues to be in America. Even the act of taking parental leave can be stigmatized. However, co-parenting is always how I looked at going into things with my partner. Sharing the load so to speak. I honestly don’t know how moms did it all on their own in previous generations, as even with doing 50% or so of the work, I’m pretty tired a good chunk of the time with very little free time on my hands. Since becoming a parent myself my respect and admiration for the strength, patience, and resilience of parents has risen exponentially. Single moms, you deserve Olympic medals.

Endometriosis, Fertility, and Loss

Speaking of medals, my partner absolutely deserves one … or three. You see, before we conceived our first kid there were others lost to us. We found out that it was mostly due to endometriosis, a potentially lifetime disorder that creates tissue that lines the uterus and causes issues with fertility and pregnancy. Once found it can be treated with laparoscopic surgery, but it can return.

The weight of this took its toll on her, both of us really, and was tough to work through. We took the steps we had to and luckily come out on the other side of it. Adoption and fostering were definitely in the wings if things went differently. And if you’re fortunate enough to conceive after a loss or losses, then that’s what is referred to as a ‘rainbow baby’. The beauty after the storm symbolizing hope. Now you know in case you see that on your social threads.

Bye Bye Vacation Time

Originally, I only had one day of paid leave for a new child. Any more paid time off had to come from vacation. Luckily, I had been saving it all year long for this. Even had some roll over time from last year to top it off.

Now, I can understand how the father could be functionally useless when it comes to feeding the child, but in many scenarios the mother needs plenty of help and care after a birth. Especially if they’ve had a tear that needed stitches or other common birth injuries that make getting around a house very difficult and painful. These bodily/physical demands lie mainly on the mother, but there are plenty of mental and other demands that lie on the father. Leaving my wife and mother of my child in that state soon after birth to go back to an office would have felt ethically wrong. I honestly couldn’t have imagined not having time to care for my family after a birth. I made this notion known to our human resources in case others could be more fortunate with a better parental leave down the road.

Present day there are large populations of parents in America who have to somehow get back to work the day after having a child so they can pay their bills, keep their job, and/or put food on the table. It’s hard to imagine one of, if not the richest country, being unable to provide paid time off for new parents like most of the developed world. Not to say everyone would need to take it, but without it in this country the onus will continue to be primarily on women, widen the gap between gender fairness in the workplace, and leave fathers out of the equation for critical bonding periods in their child’s development. Food for thought. Getting off the soapbox now.

Pandemic C-section, Blood & Cold, and Enter the NICU

Our first kid was born around six months before the Covid pandemic hit. You can check out a short video I made about the first few weeks of the Pandemic with an infant below.

So this pregnancy was our first experience with the pandemic in a hospital setting. It wasn’t actually too different for us aside from needing to quarantine ahead of the birth and limiting the people/family that could attend (just me, my partner, and a doula).

Around 37 weeks in to the pregnancy the baby was still in the breech, feet down, position. To have a vaginal birth it’s much easier if the head is down, so we went in to have the baby turned manually by hand. It looks way more painful than it sounds. The turning was successful, but there were complications that no one could have foreseen which led to an emergency C-section.

Once I was allowed back in the operating room I had the biggest smile under my mask for two reasons. First, because the John Williams theme from Jurassic Park was playing from my wife’s phone, and secondly because she special ordered clear barriers so she could see her own surgery. I love my wife. By the way, John Williams’s Death March from Star Wars came on first but we put a stop to that right away.

The C-section went through and all seemed okay from my view. Unbeknownst to us our girl had a buildup of lactic acid from lack of oxygen and would require treatment from another facility. All the while, my wife lost an enormous amount of blood, imagine a full two liter bottle, due to some factors too lengthy to mention.

So outside of a quick photo immediately following the c-section, for hours I waited for my wife who was pale as a ghost to get stitched up. And on the other side I was being informed that our baby girl had to be transported immediately to the other facility for a procedure to be effective. This was the first time I heard about cooling a baby’s core temperature to shock neurons awake and reduce the acidosis. Completely the opposite of what my primitive brain tells me to do - keep the baby warm.

Feeling unable to personally help my wife and my daughter in these perfect storm situations I was near an emotional breakdown. And even then my past bias’, many of which I’m still unlearning, told myself to hold in the tears that so desperately wanted to escape. My wife, unable to comprehend a doctor’s explanation of why the therapy is the best option for our daughter, finally made it back to the hospital room, still ghostly pale, to start her recovery. She later joked about being a a vampire before Halloween receiving seven pints of blood in total. For reference the human body only has 8-12 pints of blood in total. Deep down I probably knew she could've lost her life, but my mind didn't allow such thoughts that day. So yeah, I'm planning on returning some of that good will by donating quite a few pints soon. I hope others reading this may do the same as it really does save lives.

Soon after Madeline got settled in her recovery room we got to see our baby girl in a large transport unit, which looked like a life support spaceship on wheels, before she left for another hospital’s NICU. Having our doula there and my mother-in-law driving into town (our son and dog were thankfully staying at my folks’ place in town) I felt comfortable enough to follow our daughter to fill out paperwork and make sure she’s not alone. I ate a quick bite of fast food at midnight on the drive over and rested for a bit near the NICU before seeing that she was well taken care of and that there wasn’t much I could do for her. There were more machines around her than I could count with a big one in the center displaying her core temperature in Celsius. She would need to stay on the cooling pads that regulate and maintain a low core body temp for 72 hours, so I wasn’t even able to hold her until she was [slowly] warmed around eight hours after the cooling finished. So I went home for some much needed rest before visiting both hospitals again in the morning.

The therapy and NICU stay is a longer story, but suffice to say she stayed there for about a week and a half before being discharged to go home with us. Her MRI came back good after the therapy, she began eating well, and all seemed well with the world.

Paid Parental Leave ... Thank You Black & Veatch!

In between our first and second child, Black & Veatch added a month of parental leave to US professionals benefits. I was so glad to hear the news. We didn’t even know if we wanted a second kid at the time (little dude was and still is a bit of a handful), but I was happy for all the dads that wouldn’t need to scrounge for vacation time to help take care of their new family post-birth.

Not sure how much of that is attributed to us being an employee-owned company, but I’m sure the decision making for it used a lot less red tape. I’m really proud that I work for a company that values its employees to offer that benefit even though many companies in America still do not.

With this parental leave, I’ve been so much more capable of dealing with the toll that a complicated birth brought without worrying constantly about projects and deadlines on top of that stress. Thankfully I made sure things were in good hands until my return, and I’ll be that much more ready to hit the ground running when it’s time to get back to work. My mental health is exponentially greater now than it would be if I would’ve had to work shortly after the birth.

A Retrospective

Parenting isn’t for everyone, and nor should it be. It’s a big life changing commitment of at least 18 years of your life.

I just hope this story contributes to the tapestry of modern parental experiences as there are so many diverse stories of parenting needing to be told.

Now with the Thanksgiving holiday nearly here, I would be remiss without mentioning things I am extremely grateful for this year …

A job at a company that cares enough about its employees to offer paid parental leave, and a manager who acknowledges the importance of it.

Wife and kids that could have easily not been here without the help of modern medicine, talented doctors and science.

Loving family members that have helped us so much along the way.

Great friends and even neighbors who have volunteered to help us with so many things like food and errands.

And a wonderful pup that has put up with it all during the whirlwind of child rearing.

Update February 15, 2022:

I’m proud to say that Black & Veatch’s Foundation helped sponsor the Ronald McDonald House Charities of Kansas City family room, which offers new rooms for parents who have babies in the NICU at the hospital we stayed at (Overland Park Regional Medical Center). Some new parents have to travel long distances to have their child treated here, and I am grateful that they'll have a comfortable space to stay.