Parental Concern over Tween Independence

Q: My tween son is about to cross the threshold of teenage. I’ve given him the liberty to hang out with his friends, he has no curfew and our relationship is based entirely on trust. At the back of my mind, though, I am reminded of the errors of my youth and what exactly I did when I was a teenager. This is the time of their lives when they explore and venture out to try new things…the very things we parents would like our kids to stay away from. Should I put a limit to my trust and simply hope that my son wouldn’t make the same mistakes I did when I was his age?

Reluctantly trusting parent

Dear Trusting Parent,

It is good that your relationship with your son is based on trust, as trust, I believe, is the foundation of all relationships. It is also good that you are aware of and anticipating what he is going through. You are a thinking parent and you sure love your boy. It is common for tweens and teenagers to be rebellious and curious. They are going through lots of challenges themselves, struggling to cope with changes to their body, their friends, school work, parents and many other things that distract them in the modern society.

When you clip the wings of the bird, they will either fight or withdraw. Either way, I believe, is not the outcome you desire.

Work on the trust you have established with your son. Openly communicate about things with him. As you did not specify if you are a daddy or a mummy, I am assuming that you are a daddy, and, therefore, can have a man-to-man talk with him. Cast your philosophies aside, listen to his and try to understand it. Instead of imposing your model of the world and how you see it to him, go into his world instead and appreciate it from there. Guide not direct, coach not instruct, ask not tell. While you attempt to get into his world, do let him into your world, too. Involve him in adult decisions; share your work problems and your hobbies with him. Let him handle his challenges (whilst keeping a watchful eye on him), assign bigger responsibilities to him and grow with him in maturity. This would nurture and enhance his emotional intelligence so he thinks consequentially before he acts rashly and grows to become a responsible and accountable adult.

Mistakes present learning opportunities. Remember the times you did what you were told not to and only really learn when you were impacted severely? Even as adults, we are all guilty of doing something that we knew we shouldn’t be doing. This is due to a lack in consequential thinking and self-control. Many a times, we only realize the mistakes and consequences when the mistakes have been done.

While trying to enhance the emotional intelligence of your son, enhance yours, too. Instead of lashing out at him when he does something wrong, praise him for his honesty. Use positive questioning techniques to guide and coach him. Ask “If this happens again, how would you deal with it differently?” The probability of success that he will take a right course of action is higher when he says what he will do versus you telling him what he should do. Your points of view on what should be done can be very different.

Finally, do know that whatever your mind focuses on, you attract. While it is good to acknowledge the potential dangers your son is exposed to, do not instill these negative ideas on him. Thinking too much about the negativity will only turn it into reality.

Dr. Billy Kueek

About this Article

This is one of the compilation of the articles that were previously published in kidz magazine where Dr. Billy Kueek answered questions that were sent in by readers. The questions tackled issues from children, teenagers, parents and spouses. While we acknowledge that there is no one way to address problems, we hope that the publishing of these articles on LinkedIn will give you some insights on some of the options that may be available to you.

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