A parent, a manager - what's common?
Nikhil Damle
INLPTA & ABNLP Certified NLP Trainer | Catalyst Coach | Founder @Iridium | Ex-Morgan Stanley VP | LinkedIn Top Voice (NLP, Large Group Facilitation & Leadership Development Coaching)
Foreword: This article is prompted by a post from Vijayraj Kamat, who has an uncanny knack of stirring the pot on just the right topics!! For the second time this week, what I thought I will post as comments to the original post, has now ended up as a post by itself!
What Vijay's article explores, is how Asian parents "????????????????" their children by nudging them to "???? ????????".?
A prominent Non-Asian example is of Andre Agassi, who wrote in the book "Open" on how much he hated playing tennis because his father pushed him into it.?He wrote in his book, "I play tennis for a living, even though I hate tennis, hate it with a dark and secret passion, and always have.”
Pushing children to "???? ????????" does come from external standards of excellence or success, as viewed from the eyes of parents. In a sense, parents are pushing children to "???? ????????", so that they are viewed as parents that are doing well.?
What it disregards, is the child's ability to ????????-??????????????????, ????????-???????????????? and most importantly, ???????? ?????????????????? ???? ?????????? ??????????????. In being "??????????????" parents ??????, children are being developed into adults that are filled with doubt in their ability to evaluate choices and decide and leads them to overthink consequences in the ????????????.
A parent's role is nicely summed up in how a ?????????????????? at a swimming pool works. A lifeguard only intervenes when it looks like someone will drown. Until then, a lifeguard doesn't jump in - lets the swimmers and trainers figure things out.?
Parenting needs to be in lifeguard mode - to use our experience to be a safety net, only in life threatening situations. Anything else, even if well intended, can rob the autonomy of a child - something that's innate to them when they are born.?
Part of being a parent, and by the same token a people manager, is "?????????????? ???????? ????", so that they develop autonomy and owning their choices. Here are some ground rules on how to do that:
??) Learn to respect boundaries and recognize what can be addressed by them on their own
??) Create small test situations to allow them to gradually develop confidence in their ability to make their own choices, handle consequences and learn from what worked or didn't
??) Actively dissociate own success with their success or progress
??) Your job as a parent or manager is ???????? to make them independent - not through telling but by standing back and letting them figure out
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??) Keep expectations clear on when they ?????? reach out and seek your support. After all, you are not abandoning them but are a watchful interested observer who is willing to help, ???????? ?????????? - just like a lifeguard.
"I am a parent" OR "I am responsible for their growth" are statements that I often hear managers and parents speak. "Am" is an indication identifying themselves as only a "manager" or a "parent". It also means projecting own identity on to the others.
Identity can be fluid. Roles are a good way to identify that. Congruence is when we bring an identity that is appropriate to the role, the situation, the time, the place and the company around us at a particular moment. If any one of these aren't in sync, that leads to incongruence, or misalignment or dysfunction.
What's required is for us to assess and check where we are bringing too much of "ourselves" into the mix!
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My name is Nikhil Damle and I am an NLP Trainer. Learning Neuro Linguistic Programming will enable you to establish a common language to bridge into the world of the other person and help establish meaningful connection and a healthy common ground.
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8 个月Much easier to be detached for strangers rather than loved ones ;) Though I'd assume some practice or remembering could do the trick. I know some psychologists do a bit of mental prep to move into a positive, client-serving state. Fun topic.
India's 1st F.I.R.E Coach | Co-Founder, MindBurger Innovative Solutions | ABNLP Certified NLP Master Practitioner | Mentor, Indian Chamber of International Business Youth Forum
9 个月Your article is insightful, Nikhil, and I resonate with it. Parents need to be a supportive safety net rather than constantly intervening. It's important to give children the space to explore their own interests, and parents need to trust their abilities in making decisions for themselves without imposing their own aspirations. Otherwise, even as adults, they may struggle with decision-making, problem-solving, and adapting to new situations independently as they would lack confidence in their abilities and rely heavily on guidance from authority figures.