A Paralyzing Fear
FRAN GALLAHER
Guiding Women Executives 45+ to Lead with Intuition and Confidence While Navigating High-Stakes Decisions—Using Intuitive Access to Create Immediate Connection and Transformative Insights l Keynote Speaker | She/her |
“I have this problem.”
She was sitting in my office, facing me. She took a breath.
“I don’t like confrontation.”
Her eyes welled with tears and a few of them spilled down her cheeks.
“This.” She pointed at her eyes. Then she gestured with spread fingers, motioning down her face. “This is what happens.” She paused. “I cry.”
She grabbed a tissue and dabbed at her eyes.
“I hate myself. If there is any confrontation—even a hint of confrontation—this happens. I can't very well step up and manage anyone if this is what happens.”
She pointed to the tears that were now flowing more freely.
“People think I’m weak. Hell, I think I’m weak!”
I asked a question
I said, “Can you breathe?”
Her eyes narrowed slightly. “What do you mean?” Her words were sharp, impatient.
“Can you take a deep breath.?”
She waved her hand. “I’ve tried all that.”
Of course I didn’t know what “all that” might be but I pressed my luck.
“I want you to take some deep breaths. Really deep breaths.”
She took several deep breaths.
“Now I want you to hold your breath and squeeze all your muscles. Hold your breath as long as you comfortably can. Then breathe normally and let me know what you are feeling.”
She held her breath, squeezed her muscles, let her breath out, and stared at me.
A big surprise
Then she looked surprised.
“I’m not crying,” She paused. Then, again, louder, “I’m not crying!”
You could say that all we did was change her breathing. And, yes, we did that. But we also worked on a lifelong attitude she had held, an attitude of hatred and impatience and disrespect for her own emotions.
I began by asking her to recreate an emotional state. And instead of focusing on labels for the emotions, or a narrative around the emotions, I asked her to literally feel the emotions as physical feelings.
And breathe some more
As she breathed through her emotions she discovered that, in the past, as soon as she felt an emotion, she tended to hold her breath.
She had the realization that she was actually afraid of her emotions. As she learned to feel them as physical states, and breathe through them, she discovered that she could feel her emotions without necessarily expressing them.
She opened to compassion—for herself and the girl she used to be, a girl who was paralyzed with shame by the emotions she believed made her weak and at the tears that refused to be controlled.
She discovered that the child she once was could not choose whether or not to express her emotions—they just poured out of her. But, as an adult, she could choose whether and when and how and if she expressed her emotions.
Tears
“I cried at work today,” she said, as soon as she sat down. “I knew my boss saw my tears but, well, first of all, they didn’t fall. At least not right away. They just sort of hung out in my eyes.” She took a breath. “And I stared at her and I was thinking, I dare you to say something. But she didn’t. And neither did I. And I said what I needed to say and we both moved on.”
She stared hard at me.
“I’m still afraid of confrontation.” She paused. “But I know to stop and take a deep breath and notice what I’m feeling.”
We both breathed
“It’s not as bad as I used to think it would be. In fact, it’s not that bad at all.”
And then we both laughed. It felt good. ?
What are you afraid of? And how could learning to breathe through your fear, breathe through your emotions, breathe through your supposed weakness, how that could work for you.
DM me: https://www.dhirubhai.net/in/frangallaher/ Or schedule with me: https://bit.ly/RF-Discovery
Stay Out in Front?! Providing Powerful Competitive Intelligence to Executives Making Critical Decisions | Servicing CEOs, CSOs, CMOs, Brand Managers & CI Leaders | Keynote Speaker and Workshop Facilitator | CI Fellow
1 年Valuable guidance throughout this piece FRAN GALLAHER Great reminder that deep breaths can help in so many situations, not just for those who don't like confrontations.
Revenue Producing Execs??Accelerate your path to a high-impact role|You’re in the room where it happens ??|Be Invaluable|You know there's more|GSD| Recovering HR Exec |Marathon Runner/Triathlete ????♀? ??♀???♀?
1 年FRAN GALLAHER ignoring emotion doesn’t work. It starts with acceptance and being present to it. I tell myself this too shall pass, after I feel it. Why do you think we avoid emotion so much?
Scale Your Impact and Income w/o Sacrificing Your Sanity ?? Business Growth Strategist for Coaches ?? Scalable Genius Method? ??? Podcaster ?? Co-Founder GEM Networking Community
1 年FRAN, the journey from self-criticism to self-compassion is one I can relate to, and your article serves as a gentle reminder that our emotions, even those we perceive as weaknesses, are an integral part of our humanity. Thank you for sharing this touching and insightful story. It's a breath of fresh air.
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1 年We live in a country where our young ladies who have recently attained the age of puberty cannot afford sanitary pads, but our men and women in public offices have ipads which they do not even know how to use. ― PLO Lumumba. https://www.tiktok.com/@leadwithyes https://x.com/LeadwithYES https://www.dhirubhai.net/company/lead-with-yes/ https://instagram.com/leadwithyes https://www.facebook.com/leadwithYES https://youtube.com/@LeadWithYES
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1 年FRAN GALLAHER, I sure loved how you came at this article-- awesome storytelling! Your detailed description on how to use breath to find center and release is not only helpful but inspiring.