Paradoxical, Paralyzing, Perplexing, Ineffable Divine Nearness Impregnates Us!

I am incapable of knowing who I am as long as I think I have an idea. The idea of whom and what I think I am prevents me from receiving who I actually am. What I perceive to be is in fact distorted by the clouded and disassembled accumulated perception of myself. My self-serving preconditioned and memory based automated mind takes it upon itself to determine the various colors and dimensions interpreting my existence. My mind remains inferior to my life’s newest experience and therefore distorts the interpretation thereof.

The experience is genuine; my mind’s interpretation is false. When I look at myself to try to gauge the level of existence I am currently involved in, I am thwarted by the insistent familiar determination of that reality simply because of the emotional factors attached. I have no accurate perceivable ability to measure whether I am this or I am that. In the process of my search for realization of the truth, I have interfered with the process of my being able to discover who and what I really am, or so it seems.

A continual labeling of names, responsibilities, obligations, relationships and duties, refer to me as their counterparts and as long as I identify with them, I am not in the present sense: real to any of them. Even at this point, I realize that I am powerless to interfere with any ‘waking up’ process that is going on with me. My mind will say that I am this or that but it does not make it so. It is impossible for me to dissect my nature for what I am lies behind my ability to determine, elevate or deter it.

As long as I persist in saying I know who I am and what I am doing then I presuppose that I am to act in a certain manner becoming to that specific role. I am to talk in a certain manner, think in a certain manner and respond in a certain manner. I base and build every thought against a reorganized and reconstructed thought of memory. Whether cherished or despised that particular rendition of existing is a leftover kind of life.

I am not nor will I ever experience the same thing in my existence no matter how many times it is repeated. The nearest I will ever come to even mimicking a replication of what has taken place,  will be if and when I contemplate the experience before, while, during or after it to determine where and how it compared with similar experiences. These, thoughts are passing impressions and are not real.  The raw experience, itself,  cannot be duplicated, ever!

These apparent appearances of people, places, things, and events are “brand new” all the time and cannot realistically be interacted in blindly or unconsciously. We are AWARE-at all times-what is taking place but not as it is occurring in the manner it is occurring.

 Though we like to think we can recall an event with perfect accuracy; NOT so! When I interact with anyone I ’think’ I know, no matter how long or how intimately I’ve been involved with him/her, I must do so as if he/she were a stranger. Any other interaction is unjustifiably shortchanged and preprogrammed.

I must constantly remind myself, (the mind-body/self who deludes and distorts) that  I am perfectly capable of making up horrendous lies about me and others; most especially, when it comes to their  particular relationship to me. I do this so I can feed myself tidbits of reasserted assurance-while I am on earth-to feel more secure, loved, appreciated, wanted, desired, confident, superior, successful, intelligent and progressive.

As long, as I do not release the clutching need to feel secure, productive, contributory, needed and appreciated, (special) I will stifle the life force surging orgasmic  authenticity.

All of this automatic preconditioned  mind producing inauthentic grasping for recognition and validation, which produces crowd pleasing notions and servitude behaviors are false; thereby causing me to experience myself as phony.

Everything has something to do with what and who I genuinely am. Nothing is to be excluded. Nothing is to be shifted in another direction. When I recognize a false shape-shifting toe-tapping, it is mine, not the other.

Let me underline these words and "deck the halls" with a glaring ruby red banner!  "There is and never has been nor will there ever be something on the outside of me, of which I need, ought to possess or want to obtain." I am already everything I will ever try to be. I can do no better than I am doing at this moment. To say less than this devours the present moment of omnificent certainty.

This unquestionable master essence, which is the core of every person, is indiscernible and indefinable, but infallible.  I may in my futile attempts, make shallow stabs at delving into and describing my particular rendition of me and my relationship to God, the universe, my mate, family, friends, relationships, work, career, talents and sexuality, but I must recognize that I fall completely short of being able to define such a faulty, capricious concept.

I realize, it is with my finite and untrustworthy mind that I am making the attempt to explain the unexplainable. That which is beyond me is before me and that which is before me is beyond me and yet I am of the essence of all there is. To define myself as this way or that way is to limit an all-encompassing creative expression and sacred sexual experience of what really exists. As long as I persist in identifying with any familiar part of myself,(to the exclusion of all aspects)  I have reduced myself to a set of unreliable conditions and watered down truth.

In order to evolve past the state of simply existing in a prefabricated world of desired intent, I must accept the fact that I will always “place me in a good light” carrying my pack of embellished memories and exaggerated occurrences. Whether I define myself as saintly or demonic, I have still taken it upon myself to declare that I know who I am and what I am supposed to be doing when, in fact, I do not.

As long as I persist in not accepting that everything I see, feel, hear, touch and taste is a basic part of my inherent nature, the longer I postpone the truth of what is. Nothing is separate. Nothing is outside of me which I am not a part of. All there is, has ever been, will ever be is the totality of me. The far reaching and immediate organic and inorganic constitutes what I am incapable of perceiving of the collective completeness of what I truly am.  

Moreover, that which I experience in every direction {in every conceivable situation, circumstance, event, episode, relationship} is the projected experience of what is at this time defining me, depending upon my fluctuating mood of the moment.

I CAN not EVER know for CERTAIN WHAT IS TAKING PLACE, or for what reason it is occurring. The actual experience of that which is ever unfolding and ever evolving cannot be possibly defined by me. I would have to get out of my own mind's rambling thoughts and not utter what I perceive as a  comprehensible word to simply say nothing about anything regarding me that would be true.

It is the paradoxical, paralyzing, perplexing, ineffable divine nearness that I urgently, involuntarily resist that impregnates me!