The Paradox of Success

Are you prepared to be successful at any price, health, relationships etc.

How do expectations lead to happiness or unhappiness? How important is balance?

Having paid the price of being a workaholic and driven to success in the more conventional meaning ie Financial, Status, Possessions, Achievements, Legacy etc; I now coach people for a more balanced approach to life.

One of the things I often discuss is to reframe and redefine success in a more balanced way.

The Midas Touch: A Reflection on Wealth and Success

Do you associate money with fame? Is money about fame, a measure of success, or a tool to buy time, freedom, independence, resources, credibility, and esteem?

The Illusion of the Midas Touch

The concept of the Midas touch conjures an image of immense wealth where everything one touches turns to gold. Yet, the reality is often far from this fantastical notion. The question arises: would you like the Midas touch? Imagine having all the money in the world but not being able to touch anything truly meaningful.

Equating Success with Money

Is success equivalent to money? Does it come at a price, and is it the same as happiness? Early in life, I believed that happiness equated to money. Growing up with financial struggles, the constant pressure to pay bills shaped my thinking that a high income was the ultimate goal. My father taught me the importance of a good credit rating, leading me to open an account at Coutts, a prestigious bank, even before I met the minimum income requirement.

I was driven to "succeed," thinking money was the measure. Being one of the first charter members to get the Black Amex was a moment of pride, especially when I got my father a supplementary Centurion card. In hindsight, these were more measures of success for my parents than for me. I sought approval and validation from my parents, rather than pursuing my own goals and purpose.

The True Cost of Money

An absence of money, where you can't pay your bills, undoubtedly causes unhappiness and stress. But how much do you need to be happy? I once thought happiness was measured by outward signs like a house, car, and holidays. During the dot-com era in Silicon Valley, the prevailing question was, "What is your number?" What amount would make you content to sell your company? $1 million? $100 million?

One supplier I worked with was acquired, and employees discussed the financial windfall. Would it buy them a holiday, a new car, a house, or a new lifestyle? The allure of a lottery win lies in the belief it will magically change our lives. However, a new lifestyle takes time to build, involving networks, friends, investment strategies, etc.

What would you do if you won the lottery or received a large inheritance? What salary would make you happy? A LinkedIn survey I conducted revealed that most people believe ￡100,000 is their happy number.

In another Linkedin Survey I asked whether people would prefer "All the money happiness can buy" or "all the happiness money can't buy" and the overwhelming answer was all the happiness money can't buy. (no one chose All the happiness money can buy).

Reflecting on Wealth and Happiness

Ultimately, it's about making the right choices and achieving the results you want quicker. Not all money is the same, and you don't always need to "earn" money to enjoy the best things in life. Credit and credibility are sometimes more important than cash. Managing and guarding your reputation and credit is crucial. Many politicians, celebrities, and athletes accumulate wealth from a portfolio of assets and income streams rather than direct earnings from their primary careers.

Wealth and income usually come from a diverse portfolio of activities. The strategy to enjoy a good lifestyle is not necessarily the same as striving for a high income. The means of earning money should align with your values and be something you enjoy. As the story of the bandit-turned-guru illustrates, the pursuit of money should not come at the cost of your freedom and relationships.

The Bandit and the Guru

One time a journalist asked a guru about how he became a guru. He explained that before becoming a guru, he was a bandit. One day, when he was robbing some people, he met a guru. The guru asked him why he robbed people. The bandit was curious because the guru was quite calm and seemed happy, even though he was being robbed of the few possessions he had.

The bandit said, “To provide for my family.” The guru asked him, “You know if you get caught, you will go to jail. I assume your wife knows what you do. Would she be willing to go to jail with you?”

The bandit replied, “Yes, I know I would go to prison, and yes, she knows what I do. But I don’t know if she would also be willing to go to prison.”

That evening, he asked his wife if she would also be willing to go to jail if he was caught, and she replied, “No way.”

At that point, he decided that he would become a disciple of that guru and changed his life.

We are socially conditioned to pursue money as a measure of success, and for men, it was seen as being desirable to be a good provider. However, if you give up your freedom, your children will remember your absence during their formative years more than any legacy you might leave behind. The most precious thing we give people is ourselves.

Be careful that in mining for gold, you don't end up digging your own grave. True success lies not in the Midas touch but in the balance between financial security and personal fulfillment.

The Success Paradox

?Successful Yet Unhappy: The Hidden Struggles Behind the Facade

In today's society, success is often equated with happiness. High achievers, from corporate executives to celebrities, are assumed to lead enviable lives, free from the burdens of common struggles. However, beneath this veneer of success, many are grappling with deep-seated unhappiness and trauma. This article explores why successful individuals frequently face profound dissatisfaction, and why it often takes a significant crisis for them to confront these issues.

?The Paradox of Success

Success can be both a blessing and a curse. While it brings financial stability, social status, and professional recognition, it also introduces a host of pressures and expectations that can undermine one's well-being.

?Societal and Self-Imposed Pressures

1. Societal Expectations: The societal pressure to maintain an image of constant success and happiness can be overwhelming. Successful people are often under the microscope, with every action and decision scrutinized. This constant scrutiny can lead to a fear of failure and an inability to show vulnerability.

2. Self-Expectations: Many high achievers set extremely high standards for themselves. They tie their self-worth to their achievements, creating a relentless drive for perfection. This perfectionism can lead to chronic stress, burnout, and a deep fear of being exposed as a fraud.?

?The Cost of Success

1. Work-Life Imbalance: The pursuit of success often comes at the expense of personal relationships and self-care. Long hours and intense focus on career goals can lead to isolation from friends and family, resulting in loneliness and emotional neglect.

2. Health Neglect: High achievers might neglect their physical and mental health in their quest for success. The cumulative stress can manifest in physical ailments, anxiety, and depression.

?Internal Conflicts and Identity Crisis

1. Identity Tied to Success: When success becomes a core part of an individual’s identity, any threat to that success can cause a profound identity crisis. This is often seen in high-profile individuals whose careers are in the public eye.

2. Fear of Vulnerability: Admitting to personal struggles can be perceived as a sign of weakness. Many successful people fear losing their status and respect if they reveal their vulnerabilities.

?Unresolved Trauma and Psychological Burdens

1. Childhood Trauma: Many successful individuals carry unresolved trauma from their past. Their drive for achievement can be a coping mechanism to deal with feelings of inadequacy or to gain approval they lacked in their formative years.

2. Imposter Syndrome: Despite their accomplishments, some successful people feel like impostors, believing they do not deserve their success. This syndrome can lead to chronic self-doubt and anxiety.

?Cultural and Environmental Factors

1. Toxic Work Cultures: High-stress environments, particularly in competitive fields like finance, tech, and entertainment, can exacerbate mental health issues. The lack of genuine support in such environments often leads to burnout.

2. Cultural Expectations: Cultural norms can also play a significant role. In some cultures, there is an intense pressure to achieve for the family or community, adding layers of stress.

?The Denial and the Breaking Point

1. Denial Mechanisms: Cognitive dissonance and fear of confronting painful truths often lead successful individuals to deny their unhappiness. They convince themselves that their sacrifices must be worthwhile, even as their personal lives deteriorate.

2. Crisis as a Catalyst: It often takes a significant crisis—such as a health scare, a personal loss, or a career setback—for these individuals to confront their deeper issues. These crises act as wake-up calls, forcing them to reassess their lives and priorities.

?Moving Forward: Strategies for Addressing Unhappiness

1. Mental Health Support: Regular therapy and counselling can help individuals manage stress and address unresolved trauma. Mental health support is crucial for breaking the cycle of denial and self-neglect.??

2. Work-Life Balance: Establishing boundaries and prioritizing personal time can help in maintaining a healthier balance. This involves making conscious choices to spend time with loved ones and engage in activities that bring joy and relaxation.?

3. Redefining Success: Shifting the focus from extrinsic goals like wealth and status to intrinsic goals such as personal growth, relationships, and community involvement can lead to greater fulfilment.

4. Building Genuine Relationships: Developing deep, meaningful relationships based on mutual support rather than status can provide a strong emotional support network.

?

Success, while desirable, can come with significant emotional and psychological costs. The societal pressures, personal sacrifices, and internal conflicts that accompany high achievement can lead to profound unhappiness and trauma. Recognizing and addressing these issues requires a holistic approach that includes mental health support, work-life balance, and a revaluation of what true success means. By fostering environments that prioritize well-being and personal fulfilment, individuals can achieve a more balanced and satisfying life, free from the shadows of their success.

So what is your definition of success?

General Definitions

1. Achievement of Goals: Success is often defined as the accomplishment of an aim or purpose. This can range from personal goals, such as completing a marathon, to professional objectives, like earning a promotion.
2. Happiness and Fulfillment: For many, success is synonymous with happiness and personal fulfillment. It involves living a life that aligns with one’s values, passions, and purpose.
3. Recognition and Status: Success can also mean gaining recognition and respect from others, achieving a certain social status, or being esteemed in one's field of work.
4. Financial Prosperity: Another common definition of success is financial wealth and stability, enabling one to live comfortably and provide for oneself and one’s family.

Personal and Subjective Definitions

1. Inner Peace and Contentment: Success might be defined as having inner peace, mental well-being, and a sense of contentment with one’s life circumstances.
2. Growth and Learning: For some, success is about continual growth, learning, and self-improvement, regardless of the tangible achievements.
3. Relationships and Community: Success can also be measured by the strength and quality of one’s relationships, family bonds, and contributions to the community.

Philosophical and Broader Definitions

1. Living Authentically: Success can mean living an authentic life, being true to oneself, and not compromising on personal values and beliefs.
2. Legacy and Impact: Some define success by the impact they have on others and the legacy they leave behind. This can involve mentoring others, contributing to societal change, or leaving a lasting positive influence.
3. Balancing Life's Aspects: Success may involve balancing various aspects of life, such as career, health, family, and hobbies, achieving a harmonious and well-rounded life.

I would love to hear your story and your journey and what stage you are in?

Wishing you all the happiness Money Can't buy.

?

?