The Paradox of Perfection

There are many attributes in life that can serve either as a tool, or a weapon.?

One of those attributes is perfectionism.

Used as a tool, it can bring great personal satisfaction when it summons persistence, talent, mastery over some process, skills, materials or outcomes.?This mastery may have taken tens or hundreds or thousands of repetitions of the required actions.?It would doubtlessly have involved feedback from other parties, coaching and mentoring.?There will have been a hefty price to pay in terms of time and attention.

And here comes the paradox.?When the pursuit of success becomes obsessive and the fear of failure is overwhelming.

Used as a weapon—against others or against self—perfectionism means that nothing is ever good enough.?And the implication is that the person performing whatever it is, or who fails to meet the given standard in any way, is themselves not good enough.?This leads to self-loathing.

It also isolates that person when they are unable to find perfection in others and then condemn themselves to the same lane of loathing—of everyone and everything.?Their capacity for intimate relationships is comprised by their expectation that being accepted, admired or loved is dependent on their own perfect performance or appearance—check out the gallery on Instagram and TikTok.

Setting standards in any facet of life is a common landing place for perfection.?But while perfectionism is a worthy goal, it is not achievable.?This is not so much a matter of fact, but of attitude.?How we think about the matter.?How we think creates our world.

In her recent book, Dare to Lead, Brené Brown talks about the problems and pitfalls of perfectionism.?She says that perfectionism is:

• A defensive move; not a striving for healthy achievement, growth and excellence.
• A shield—not of self-protection, but that prevents us being seen.
• Not self-improvement, but a dangerous and debilitating search for approval.
• Others-focused, seeking acceptancel: What will people think? Please. Perform. Prove.
• Not the key to success—hampering achievement and creating a fear of failure.
• Correlated with anxiety, depression, addiction, life paralysis or missed opportunities.
• Not a way to avoid shame, but a function of shame.

Shame, Brown says, is the feeling that we are so flawed that we question whether we’re worthy of love, belonging and connection.

So, as leaders, are we complicit in this when setting standards of performance??And as educators at large, as parents?

It can all start if we force perfectionism on others—by not allowing a learner, child or adult, to embark on their own voyage of discovery Insisting that they get it completely right.?

Not allowing them to fail and learn and grow from it. Not separating the behaviour and the implication from the personal attributes.?(The action you took may not have achieved what you expected, but you are no different as a person.?In fact, you a now a wiser person, more experienced person.)?

By raising them on an exclusive diet of your hyper praise and approval. By hovering over them, waiting for a chance to intervene and correct them.?Not letting them find their own path to learning, eventual mastery and satisfaction in achievement.?And their own ultimate success.

Are we teaching them to be ashamed of themselves?

And what about holding up the mirror to ourselves.?Have we been subject in our own early lives to the tyranny of perfectionism??When we move into being responsible for a business, for the people who work there, we may find ourselves setting the impossible standards of perfectionism—to go higher or better, beyond reach.

As a parent, as an educator, as a leader, let the people listening to you know by word and action that:

You are acceptable and lovable.?You belong here—and wherever you go. You are enough—in whatever form you take.

And know that each of these things are in yourself.

Let’s be prepared to achieve excellence instead.

Let’s strive healthily for perfection in things, processes and systems.?Not in people—ourselves or others.

Let’s see perfection as an admirable goal, but not achievable.

Let’s not obsess about it.

Let’s embrace the paradox of perfectionism.

?Next week:?Riki Kaspi, Team Cooking and BoLA

?About the Author

Jeff Bell?is Principal of executive consultancy ResultsWise in Perth, Western Australia.?To boost your leadership, ask Jeff about consulting, coaching, strategy facilitation, Band of Leaders Australia (BoLA) [email protected] or Advanced Leadership Course [email protected]. Mobile (61) 439 988 662.