The Paradox of Kindness: From Nice to Necessary

In the realm of leadership, the terms "kindness" and "niceness" are often used interchangeably. After all, both seem to imply a positive demeanour and a willingness to help others - something we expect from leaders. However, upon closer examination, there exists a subtle yet crucial distinction between the two.

While niceness often involves surface-level politeness and a desire to avoid conflict, kindness delves deeper, encompassing empathy, authenticity, and a genuine concern for the well-being of others.

Given this difference and as leaders intent on getting better at leading our teams and bettering ourselves, we need to explore and understand the paradox of kindness in leadership and ultimately agree on why leaders need to embrace kindness, even when it means foregoing niceness.

Understanding the Difference

To grasp the essence of kindness versus niceness, it's essential to dig a little deeper into their fundamental characteristics.

Niceness, while certainly not devoid of merit, often operates on the surface level. A nice leader may strive to maintain harmony within the team, offering compliments and shout outs and avoiding confrontation. However, niceness can often be superficial, potentially masking underlying issues or avoiding necessary feedback to spare others' feelings.

On the contrary, kindness transcends mere pleasantries. Kind leaders demonstrate empathy, actively listen to their team members and prioritise their growth and well-being. Kindness involves honesty, even when it's uncomfortable, and a commitment to fostering a supportive and inclusive environment.

Think about engaging with someone who's got spinach in their teeth. Most of us would shy away from mentioning it, fearing embarrassment from drawing attention to the issue. We'd opt to remain silent, sparing the owner of the spinach wrapped tooth discomfort. Yet, by doing so, we leave them unaware of the situation, potentially causing them further embarrassment throughout the day. On the other hand, being upfront about the spinach may seem less 'nice' initially, but it prevents prolonged awkwardness. Thus, it should be argued that being 'kind', despite its momentary discomfort, is ultimately the more compassionate choice.

Why Kindness Matters in Leadership

The role of a leader extends beyond simply delegating tasks and making decisions. A leader is required to set the tone for organisational culture, shape team dynamics, and influence individual growth and development across a team. In this context, kindness emerges as a potent force for positive change by creating a few key elements of a high functioning team:

1. Empowers and Inspires: Kind leaders inspire loyalty and commitment among their team members. By genuinely caring about our teams well-being and investing in their growth, we will create an environment where individuals feel valued and motivated to excel.
2. Fosters Psychological Safety: Kindness cultivates a sense of psychological safety within teams, where individuals feel comfortable expressing their ideas, concerns, and even failures without fear of judgment or reprisal. This environment will fuel creativity, innovation, and collaboration.
3. Builds Trust and Respect: Kindness builds trust, a cornerstone of effective leadership. When we demonstrate authenticity and integrity through our actions (even when it's uncomfortable), we earn the respect and admiration of our team, fostering a culture of mutual trust and accountability.
4. Facilitates Growth and Development: Kind leaders provide constructive feedback and support to help their team members grow and develop professionally and personally. By nurturing a culture of continuous learning and improvement, we'll empower individuals to reach their full potential.

The Kindness Conundrum

While kindness is undoubtedly a powerful leadership trait, it's not without its challenges. In certain situations, being kind may necessitate making tough decisions or delivering difficult feedback, which can be misconstrued as not being "nice." This conundrum highlights the crucial distinction between kindness and mere 'nice' agreeableness. As few key scenarios we face as leaders where 'kindness' is required over 'niceness' are illustrated below:

1. Making Tough Decisions: Kind leaders understand that prioritising the greater good sometimes requires making decisions that may not be popular or comfortable. Whether it's restructuring teams, reallocating resources, or addressing performance issues, we need to approach these decisions with empathy and fairness, mindful of the long-term benefits for the organisation and our team.
2. Providing Honest Feedback: Kindness entails providing honest and constructive feedback, even when it may be difficult to deliver or receive. While niceness may tempt us to sugarcoat feedback or avoid addressing concerns altogether, kindness demands transparency and vulnerability, fostering growth and improvement.
3. Setting Boundaries: Kind leaders recognise the importance of setting boundaries to maintain their well-being and effectiveness. This may involve us saying no to additional commitments, delegating tasks, or addressing behaviours that undermine team cohesion. While these actions may not always be perceived as "nice," they are essential for maintaining balance and sustainability in leadership roles.

Navigating the Kindness-Niceness Spectrum

As we know, Leadership is not a one-size-fits-all endeavour, and the balance between kindness and niceness may vary depending on the context and individuals involved. Effective leaders possess the ability to navigate this spectrum, understanding when to prioritise kindness and when to assert themselves with honesty and conviction. In order to build that ability, because our ability to lead needs to be constantly developed and trained, the below elements can provide some scaffolding:

1. Cultivate Self-Awareness: Self-awareness is the cornerstone of effective leadership. We must reflect on our motivations, biases, and tendencies, recognising when we may be defaulting to niceness at the expense of kindness or vice versa. By cultivating self-awareness, we can make conscious choices that align with our values and goals.
2. Practice Empathetic Leadership: Empathy lies at the heart of kindness. As such, we should strive to understand the perspectives and emotions of our team members, fostering a culture of empathy and compassion. By actively listening and demonstrating empathy, we will build stronger connections and foster trust within our team.
3. Embrace Authenticity: Authenticity breeds trust and credibility in leadership. We should strive to be genuine and transparent in our interactions, even when it means showing vulnerability or admitting mistakes. Authenticity builds rapport and encourages open communication within teams.
4. Lead by Example: Actions speak louder than words. Leaders must embody the values of kindness, integrity, and resilience in their everyday actions and decisions. By leading by example, we'll inspire others to embrace these values and contribute to a positive and inclusive work environment.

Within the challenging landscape of leadership, kindness emerges as a transformative force, shaping organisational culture, fostering growth, and empowering individuals to reach their full potential. While niceness may offer temporary comfort, kindness provides the foundation for meaningful connections, trust, and sustainable success. It can be very uncomfortable but when approached in the right way and for the right reasons, it will be more impactful than just being 'nice'.

As leaders, we must recognise the distinction between being kind and being nice, understanding that true kindness requires courage, authenticity, and empathy. By embracing kindness in our leadership approach, we can create environments where individuals thrive, innovation flourishes, and collective goals are achieved. Let's strive to be not just 'nice' leaders but rather 'kind' ones, making a positive impact that resonates far beyond the confines of the workplace. Let's tell them about the spinach!

As we embark on our journeys to be better leaders, let's remember that it's not about perfection but continuous growth and improvement. Let's accept and acknowledge that we're not going to achieve flawless execution, even if we strive for it (which we should). Our aim as managers and leaders is merely to chart a course aligned with our business and team vision and bring our people along with us while we relentlessly pursue consistent and sustained progress.

Command what can be controlled. Good luck out there!