The Paradox of Generosity: When Gift Becomes Burden

In a Japanese Zen koan, a monk receives a large donation from a rich merchant to build a temple. The donor is confused when the monk doesn’t thank him and approaches the monk about it: “this is a large sum of money, even for me. Why do you not show any thanks?”

The monk replies, “why should I? The giver should be thankful.”

As you’ve probably already surmised, the first level lesson from this parable is that giving without expecting gratitude is where real generosity lies.

However, there is a secondary lesson that’s hiding in plain sight - that the recipient is the ultimate judge of the gift in first place.

Let me give an example of this second order thinking framework in practice.

My dad loves cooking for my wife Olivia and me. After moving out of San Francisco, we stayed at my parents place for several weeks and felt obligated to return home every day for dinners he prepared.

While it was wonderful having parents willing to cook us meals and I’m extremely grateful to spend quality time with them, we began feeling stressed about always needing to be there.

Olivia in particular finds it hard to decline offers like these. She's comfortable providing care for others but struggles receiving it in turn.

Having expectations attached becomes problematic because while my dad gains joy from preparing food for us and seeing our reactions—making him the true beneficiary of his gift—it can have the opposite effect on us.

When offering gifts or kindnesses we need to consider how they'll be received as much as how they're given. What may seem beneficial to us might not always be so to the recipient.

This might sound obvious on paper, but in reality this perspective shift could be challenging to accept for the giver, as when I tried explaining it to my dad. Tact is needed.

Here’s my approach:

1. Speak from a place of gratitude: Begin by acknowledging the giver’s intention and effort.

This means thanking my dad for the love and effort he puts into cooking meals and noting how he wakes up early every morning to shop for ingredients at the local market.

2. Define 1st Principles and stick to them: Break the issue down to its most fundamental issues and, if possible, shared truths.

In my case, it’s how much Olivia and I treasure these opportunities as much as he does. I then explain how independence and boundaries is necessary for us to maintain healthy relationships. This means that sometimes we won’t be able to make it home for meals and instead recharge through other activities.

3. Reiterate shared goals: I closed my explanation by re-emphasizing that we all want a harmonious relationship, frame this conversation as a step towards that mutual goal, and leave it open for further discussion and for him to voice his thoughts.

The goal here is to convey that occasional absence isn't a rejection of that love but a reflection of our own life demands and emotional needs, while acknowledging that we see his intentions and work.

I still got an earful about how I should be more grateful, but it could’ve been much worse if I wasn’t tactful. ??

Such is the challenge of navigating family and generational dynamics. I’ll save that for another day, my friends.