If Panera Sponsored Our Podcast...

My BFF Marovich and I have these early-morning conversations that are probably amusing only to us, but more than one of our mutual friends has bemoaned the fact that we don't do our own podcast. I think we'd probably have to do it Joe Rogan-style, because the beauty of Marovich's comedy is often in seeing her deadpan delivery. She can state the most outlandish comments with authority, poker-faced, never breaking character.

One of my favorite examples is back when she was still CEO of her 100+ employee industrial company. We were having lunch at The Clubhouse, a finer dining experience in tony Oak Brook, IL. The waiter was raving about their lobster bisque, really selling it to us. It had cooking sherry. Heavy whipping cream. Corn. Lots of lobster. Marovich tilted her head to the side and looked at the waiter sweetly, as if remembering something from a happy childhood.

And then she said, "My mother used to make the best lobster bisque...(pregnant pause)...back before she lost her hands..." And then she added the finishing touch, our favorite Bill Murray line from the movie 'What About Bob?': "Is the corn hand-shucked?" The waiter nervously assured us it was as he backed away blushing, bidding a hasty retreat.

So this morning's conversation was reminiscing about when I was doing her media relations, the reason for that lunch at The Clubhouse. On her behalf, I had accepted an opportunity with a major trade journal to ghostwrite her bylined article on leadership. She implored me to include a quote from her brother, in her attempts to give him more industry visibility. I submitted the first draft and gave her a wonderfully profound quote, followed by this one from her brother:

"Yeah," Joe added, as he popped a Pez into his mouth.

I had her on speaker, so as we were laughing hard about that article all over again, my teen son Jack entered the kitchen, grabbed an apple, bit into it, and harshly whipped it into into the garbage. (That pitcher's arm was notably absent during Little League season, I might add.) I interrupted my laughing to admonish him with a "WTF was THAT?!?" You see, I grew up during the '70s recession. Wasting food is a trigger for me.

Jack: "That apple was TERRIBLE. Where did you get it?"

Me: "Panera." Marovich was overhearing this whole exchange, so I said to them both, "I don't know why Panera even bothers. Their apples are total shit. Flavorless orbs." (I always feel so self righteous when I eschew those lovely kettle chips I'd much rather crunch on, in favor of Panera's apples -- always a disappointment.) "It's like they request the crappiest apples the growers put in the reject pile for cider and potpourri. Or someone's apple cannon."

Marovich and I love getting into these escalated word competitions, so she piled on. "No! It's like Panera went to an apple orchard and you know those apples that fall to the ground that even the deer have rejected? Those are the apples they buy!"

So, Panera, if you're listening, I'm fairly certain Eve wouldn't have bothered taking a bite if the apple resembled one of yours. I'm a big fan of mangoes. Perhaps you might consider a substitution? And if you step up your fruit game, for the right dollar figure, Marovich and I might even consider allowing you to sponsor our podcast.