Pandemic conversations

Someone recently asked me the question, How do you help people emotionally upset in the current pandemic crisis?

I don’t have the perfect answer. I’d encourage you to answer in a way that feels right for you.

If you know the perfect way - please tell me.

But - I can offer what I’ve experienced with people in my own community as this pandemic has unfolded over the last few weeks.

People are really feeling it, and it’s very confronting.

What do we say to people? We’re just humans. It’s really hard. The usual stuff doesn’t work.

So here’s what I’ve been trying, and finding at least for me, a way I feel has offered something -  

First, always:

I help them feel heard. Repeat back to them what they say to you. It sounds like < >, you feel that < >, because < >, is that right?

I then repeat it back until I get it right, and they answer with a Yes. Be authentically empathetic - what are they telling me?

Hear them. Validate them. Listen to understand. Ask open questions.

Then -

From here, in this part of the conversation, I failed. A lot.

I'd leave feeling like I made the person feel worse.

Or I felt that I subscribed to being a panic merchant.

Or I felt that I didn't honour enough their feelings. Or I ignored what they were truly trying to communicate. Bulldozed them with positivity. Failed.

But I’d try again. And again. And again. With my values in mind. Integrity. Trust in my self.

And here's what I'm learning, (slowly) :

To allow the whole pandemic thing, some space. 

Here’s how I'm trying to do it.

What I’ve found the best thing to do in these conversations, and it's not what I ever expected:

To tell the story of the experience I have seen in others.

(During me telling them the below, they listen quietly throughout, patiently, and then at the end, they take a deep breath, a stillness, then most nod, and solemnly say, yes that is what we have experienced and seen in others too. Then, I feel a sense of “settled” or “calm” in the conversation. )

This is what I tell them:

I tell people what I’ve observed -

Stage 1 - It’s not going to happen.

People are in disbelief, brushing it off, “it’ll blow over” type of approach.

Stage 2 - It’s going to happen, but we’ll ace it.

Our mates are sent home from work, and we find out this’ll likely happen to us too. Position ourselves to win, and we can nail it. We’ve got this.

Stage 3 - It’s happening and we are $%!@ing ace-ing it.

We are positive! We are looking this thing in the eye, and we will thrive. Push through negative thoughts and dislikes, to insist that we have totally got this.

Stage 4 - Everything is $%!@ed.

People start to crash out. Arms are flying around in panics. People are highly caffeinated and cooped up at home and in their garages. Dark eyes, low voice tones, the mood is flat. Worry.

Stage 5 - I haven’t named it yet, because I haven’t seen much of it, but I can feel the shift coming and it starting to emerge.

The word acceptance comes to mind. I can feel the need for it, a space for it to be next.

This is where I'm at today. This is all I've got.

This is what I say in those pandemic conversations and it gives me the result I am looking for today, the result I hope my conversation with them can offer:

An opportunity for that person to take a breath, raise their head slightly, and continue with their day and with their work - and that's it.

And I'd be elated if I could offer that to any person that is grappling with this whole pandemic thing. Because I think that more are then are willing to say so.

Does it validate their experience? Does it create a shared experience? Does it help them not feel alone? Does it help them feel acceptance?

I’d love your thoughts - what do you think? Do you have ideas on how you are navigating these conversations?