The Painful Art of Inner Regeneration — Part 2

My brutal yet transformative experience of a 10-day silent Vipassana meditation retreat.

I went to a 10-day silent Vipassana meditation at Dhamma Sobhana in Sweden. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

In Part 1 I described the practice and philosophy of Vipassana.

In this final Part 2, I'll describe what I’ve learned about myself and life from 100+ hours of meditation and 10 days of silence.

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Day 1-3 Training the mind

The first step is, for the period of the course, to abstain from killing, stealing, sexual activity, speaking falsely, and intoxicants. This code of moral conduct (Sīla) serves to calm the mind, which otherwise would be too agitated for self-observation.

The next step was to develop concentration of the mind (Anapana) by learning to fix one's attention on the natural reality of the ever-changing flow of breath as it enters and leaves the nostrils.

The madness of my inner landscape

The first three days my mind was totally out of control, jumping from one random thought to another. Subconscious thoughts were bubbling up continuously. I was often inwardly laughing at the madness of my inner landscape. I found myself mentally binge-watching Game of Thrones episodes, which I've been watching every evening the last months. This showed me how the things I consume become part of me, whether I want it or not (and I definitely don’t want to embody the monstrosities of Game of Thrones).

Life is not a competition

But according to my mind it is… During these three days, I became aware of my ultra-comparative and competitive mind. Always trying to sit longer than the person next to me. Comparing how much food others were eating. Worried about what other people might think of me.

In search of perfection

Besides competing, I got through the first three days by comparing and testing different pillow and cushion constellations each sitting, under the illusion that there must be that one perfect position where I’ll be free of pain. At the end of day three I settled on sitting in a kneeling (Seiza) position, accepting there will always be some pain and the perfect position doesn’t exist. Or a perfect article for that matter, which I’m also trying to accept while writing this…

Day 4-9 Mind that settles and clears

After the third day the seemly infinite spring of subconscious thoughts was drying up. My mind became clearer and clearer — like mud that settles and clears. By the fourth day, when my mind was calmer and more focused, the practice of Vipassana was introduced, which involves 1) systematically observing bodily sensations from head to feet and feet to head; 2) understanding the impermanent nature of bodily sensations; and 3) developing equanimity by learning not to react to them.

Sittings of strong determination

Three times a day there were sittings of strong determination (Addithana), where you sit for an hour without moving at all. I've had some experience with meditating without any movement for half an hour at Rinzai Zen Centre in Oslo, but an hour proved to be an entirely different game. Physical pain and mental torpor are inevitable. There's no escape. An hour suddenly seems like an eternity. And similarly to live, it's the art of staying calm and equanimous when shit hits the fan and things get difficult. It's easy to find peace in heaven. Adversity will happen. And Vipassana helps you react to adversity in equanimous ways.

Through the eye of the storm

“We suffer more in imagination than in reality.” —Seneca

During these days I found myself being sucked in a storm of suffering, feeling intense aversion to present and future pain. And severe cravings to be free from suffering. And at times, entering the eye of the storm — experiencing a continuous flow of energy throughout my whole body, being dissolved into a cloud of equanimity, radiating unconditional love to all beings. And subsequently clinging on to this ephemeral experience of bliss, and being sucked into the storm of aversion and craving again and again… Like a whirlpool, the more I resisted and denied reality, the harder I got pulled into the negative flow and the more I suffered.

Blissful nature

During the meditation breaks, there were wonderful moments, especially when I was outside in nature. Massive flocks of geese roaming through the pink morning skies. Intricate cobwebs softly glowing in the backdrop of the evening lights. Snowflakes twirling through the sky for the first time in the year. Woodpeckers rhythmically hopping and pecking around in the woodlands. Ladybirds gracefully gathering materials for their nests. Squirrels diligently searching for acorns. Vibrant colors of falling leaves dancing through the sky. Majestic trees casting beautiful shadows. Truly blissful moments in nature.

Day 10 - Facing my fear of pain

Running away from the spikes

At the final evening meditation, it was the first time I had the courage to face the intense pain in my upper left back. For the full hour I attentively and equanimously observed the pain, without judgement or aversion. With every inhalation and exhalation, the pain got worse and worse — like a blade piercing deeper and deeper into my flesh. Penetrating the deepest levels of the unconscious mind…

Facing the spikes bravely and smilingly

Yet, just before the hour passed, the pain magically dissolved. The physical tension disappeared. I felt a huge emotional relief. This Gordian knot — a knot of habitual distraction and avoidance of pain and suffering — finally untangled. I realised I had been running away from this pain all this time. And not just this pain, every kind of present and future pain I experience in life. Learning I have to look the beast in the eye. And face my dragons. ‘Facing the spikes around me bravely and smilingly’, as Goenka would say.

Conclusion

Everything I need to know is already present

In the 10 days I’ve learned so much about myself. Of most of which I forgot, as we were not allowed to write… At first, I found this incredibly frustrating. Now I realize that everything I need to know is already there, present in each and every moment. Every breath is an opportunity to be observant of my inner state. And to see things as they really are — a constant changing flux of impermanence.

No outer regeneration without inner regeneration

“Between the?stimulus and response, there is a space. And in that space lies our freedom and power to choose our responses. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." —Victor Frankl

I’m happy I did the hard work. As there’s no outer regeneration without inner regeneration. They go hand in hand. And inner regeneration hurts. It’s not easy. But so worthwhile. As we can only take wholesome actions when we have a wholesome mind. To heal the system around us, we need to heal ourselves. I’m looking forward to continuing the practice, keep on untying the knots of habitual negative thoughts, and create space for equanimity, unconditional love and living a moral life.

Memory ≠ Experience

Odd as it may seem, I am my remembering self, and the experiencing self, who does my living, is like a stranger to me. —Daniel Kahneman

Please note that this is written by my remembering self — not my experiencing self. And there’s quite a significant difference between the two. Reflecting upon the experience I can see the beautiful aspects, but I want to stress I found it extremely challenging, physically and mentally. I noticed a massive difference in the narratives of myself and others directly after the breaking of noble silence (“It was extremely tough”) to the next day we went back home (“It was wonderful!”).

Experience thyself

I participated because many dear friends told me about their own transformative experiences. Vipassana is not a philosophical or intellectual game. It is to be experienced. It is to be practiced. Patiently and diligently, as Goenka would say. It's a wonderful gift you can give yourself and others. Gettting to know your self.

What are your experiences with meditation? And do you have any favourite practices for inner regeneration? Let's connect in the comments!

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