Pain Without Suffering: The Tale of Two Arrows

"When touched with a feeling of pain,

 the ordinary uninstructed person

 sorrows, grieves, laments, beats his breast, and becomes distraught.

 So he feels two pains,

 physical and mental.

 Just as if they were to shoot a man

 with an arrow and,

 right afterward,

 were to shoot him with another one,

 so that he would feel

 the pains of two arrows…”—the Buddha

Sometimes in our dreams, the story of our lives comes to life like a tapestry. Parts are beautiful and intricately woven with love and others are worn, neglected and breaking apart at the seams.

We all have deep traumas in our life. Some of them will be completely forgotten and banished to the darkest recesses of our being. Dreams can sometimes activate the buried emotions, and they are relived, often with a different spin. In the dream or in waking moments, the same feelings of abandonment, terror and despair can be felt again and again. This can be eloquently explained with the Tale of Two Arrows.

Once upon a time, a man was struck in the thigh by an arrow. 
Now imagine how this man must have felt.
Definitely in a lot of pain, right?

But this poor man was struck again, exactly at the same spot! 
Imagine how he felt now.
Furious and angry perhaps - most probably upset and in agony.

In this story that the Buddha told his disciples, those arrows have names.

The first one is pain, which is inevitable.
The second one is suffering, which is optional.

It has been a few years since I first learned of this parable in a yoga class. It was eye-opening for me. Perhaps it is for you too, as you have also wondered how to avoid future suffering? Because ultimately, we can grasp that life will throw challenges at us, no matter how much yoga or meditation we do. However, we have a choice in how to respond. We have a choice in how to live and feel as a result of the first arrow.

Challenges are inherent to life, yet some people seem more affected by them than others, and they seem to experience a greater degree of suffering as a result.

The story about the second arrow by the Buddha perhaps can explain why. I know for myself, the awareness of this story was game-changing for me. To this day, the first arrow continues to sting with each painful situation that is just part of life's natural unfolding. But the suffering - the second arrow hitting the same spot - is what I choose to hold back.

It's the stories we tell ourselves around our pain, the holding on to those stories for years, the blaming of ourselves or others for our present discomfort, that cause us to suffer -- even if the first arrow hit us a long time ago.

Just for today, reflect on the second arrows...
the misery that you allow into your life, needlessly.

It takes a lot of awareness to separate the two arrows. I'm still learning and not always able to avoid my self-inflicted suffering. After all, we are human. But I do know the more I practice and remain present in my daily life, the more I can stay aware when a challenge hits me and I allow for a pause, the more I can avoid the second arrow.

Once we notice our tendency to shoot the second arrow, we can learn how to respond rather than impulsively fire off the second arrow. We can also remove the arrows we have repeatedly shot and tend to the wounds that require healing. Here is how.

1. Breathe deeply.
2. Identify the sources of fear, resentment, blame, anger, shame, despair, anxiety, bitterness, envy. 
3. Breathe again. 
4. Identify the places in your physical body where these arrows have lodged.
5. Loosen your grip on these feelings. Go on, you can do this.
6. Continue to let go of the discomfort of the second arrows. It will take practice and time.
7. Breathe. 
8. Hold the space, mental, emotional, and spiritual, for the arrows and pain to move through and exit us. Call on your guides to help you. They will help you immensely.
9. Breathe. Envision the negativity leaving your body, and pull the arrow(s) out. Breathe again. 
10. When assailed by another first arrow, pause to proceed consciously. Remember, the second arrow is optional. Breathe. Keep breathing. Practice self-compassion and forgiveness.

Note

It is important to point out that one of the qualities you will develop with an awareness of your second arrow reactions is discernment. After a poor performance or when experiencing lackluster results, it is common to feel disappointment. I would argue that this emotion is a natural and an inevitable response that is well within first arrow territory. But, if you feel disappointment and then add to it more toxic emotions such as anger, shame, or self-judgment, then you're sliding into second arrow mode.

For those interested in coaching to help break the cycle and/or to start living an uppercase life free from these patterns, I'd welcome a discovery call with you. My contact info is below.

Website: https://www.liveleadthrive.com/

Scheduling link: https://calendly.com/kristin-swarcheck

Cell: 610.425.2440