There is No Pain Without Growth

When I heard this phrase, my first thought was, wait a minute, shouldn’t it be there is no growth without pain? What about pain that embitters and pain that destroys? But when I stop to think about it, I realised that it’s true. Pain forces us to grow. Even if it’s merely to grow a layer of armour so that we would not be hurt the same way again. Pain makes us stronger the next time round. 

So what does that mean? Think about the pain that you have gone through in your life. The setbacks, the disappointments, the traumas, the abuse. And ask yourself, what have you grown in each episode? Did you skin grow thicker, your heart more resilient, your spirit stronger? Did you grow wiser to the ways of the world, more wary of unsavoury persons, more distrusting of loved ones? Whatever you have grown, that is the lesson you have learnt from that pain.

Then ask yourself, is that the lesson you want to have learnt? If not, then what other lessons can you now draw from that pain? Remember that you are probably older and wiser than you were at the time of the trauma. You have more resources at your disposal now. So you can revisit the incident, and learn something else from it. Something new.

Also consider, is the lesson you learnt then still applicable in your life now? Some lessons are very valuable at the time we learnt them. But as your life circumstances change with time, those lessons could be more of a hindrance than a help right now. When you worked for a company with horrendous office politics, being able to watch your back was useful. Now that you’ve switched to a more harmonious working environment, being continually suspicious would alienate you instead.

Take all these lessons your learnt and write them down. Look at them in totality. Do any of them contradict each other? We sometimes wonder why we go two steps forward and one step back. Well, these contradictory lessons are probably one of the reasons. English is full of contrary advice. Look before you leap. Strike while the iron is hot. Caution is the better part of valour. Grab the bull by the horns. If your internal programming is similarly full of such contradictions, then it’s time to rewrite it. 

By rewriting, I don’t mean simply to give up one or the other. Sometimes, yes, it’s a matter of giving up one or the other. But more commonly, what we need is to make finer distinctions. Perhaps we should look before we leap in circumstances when we are unsure of the true motives of others, but strike while the iron is hot if we trust that our teammates are onboard with us. Or we need to exercise caution when we have yet to calculate the risks, but grab the bull by the horns after we have done our calculations. Understand what your personal lessons mean to you, and decide how you want to use them. 

Next, look at the current pains you face in your life. What do you need to grow to face them, or even overcome them? What growth does these pains make necessary, make possible? As humans, we are often complacent and comfortable in our current situations. Pain makes it imperative to change. It pushes ourselves further along in our development. Make use of the impetus of the pain, and propel yourself forward towards your goals. The very existence of the pain is an indication of a need to grow.

Lastly, look forward to your where you want to be, and ask yourself, what pains do you need to take on in order to become the person you want to be. Do you need to truly connect with those you despise in order to learn compassion? Do you need to learn something you are unskilled at in order to learn persistence? When we learn to look at pain, not as something to be avoided, or as a necessary evil in life, but as fuel, as energy, as the propellant to push us towards our purpose in life, then we can truly master and learn to welcome this inevitable but vital part of life. 

About the photo:

This is the world's largest living tree, General Sherman. My husband took this photo on a warm balmy spring day in March. At sea level. The giant sequoia is located at 2,100m (6,900ft) above sea level where, as you can see, it's still snowed in. The USA National Parks Service spent 100 years preventing forest fires to protect giant sequoias before realising that the trees need fires in order to reproduce. Learn more about that from this PBS video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lmNZGr9Udx8