Pain is underneath anger

I have been listening to Brene Brown's new book Atlas of the Heart, and it left me feeling encouraged, exhausted and exhilarated. This book puts into words, all the complex emotions I've battled with, my entire life.

One particular emotion I've struggled with is A N G E R. And if you're like me, I never saw anyone in my family model how to express or manage this volatile emotion. My father struggles with expressing more nuanced emotions such as: fear, disappointment, shame, and frustration; his overarching emotion of anger seems to be the catch all for the remaining unpleasant feelings that he cannot verbalize which manifests like a devastating earthquake measuring 9.8 on the Richter scale.

For me, anger is akin to the red-headed, freckled, step child compared to our other primary emotions such as: disgust, sadness, surprise, fear, acceptance, joy, and anticipation. Anger is the emotion that is ostracized and the last one to be picked at the playground to play dodge ball. It is left outside in the cold while the others are enjoying a warm, cozy fireplace. Our society does not tolerate anger very well and when it does show up unexpectedly, all hell breaks loose and law enforcement is not too far behind with handcuffs at the ready. Rarely does anyone ask what the circumstances were leading up to the outburst.

I am typically calm, hopeful and accepting, but when I feel angry... it feels like my brain is short circuiting and the world is turned upside down. Whether it is from grudge holding or because it takes a lot of time for me to recover, I struggle with ruminating the entire scene in my head, over and over, like a cow chewing grass and regurgitating it back up to chew it some more. Does this happen to you as well?

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” ― Mark Twain

For example, I am finally coming out of a particularly difficult situation that I've been processing for the past 3 years. I felt deeply hurt by someone whom I loved, respected and counted on for most of my adult life. *Alice was my confidant, friend and family. We raised our kids together, enjoyed vacations and spent endless hours nurturing our relationship. So, I didn't expect her to ghost me at one of the most difficult times in my life. I wasn't sure what I was grieving more, the death of my loved one or my perceived rejection from her.

Only after processing this situation with a few trusted friends and honestly sharing my feelings with Alice, I am now ready to move forward without burying my intense emotions and coming to an understanding that is closer to the truth versus the story I was telling myself and holding on to so fiercely. I forgave her, forgave myself and honored the little girl in me who was suffering and in so much pain.

“Where there is anger there is always pain underneath.” ― Eckhart Tolle

??credit: "Atlas of the Heart" by: Brene Brown

Furthermore, I am beyond thrilled to share that after nearly 40+ years, my relationship with my Father is at a place that I could never have imagined. I am proud to call him my Dad now. And as I have worked through my unforgiveness, I have seen my Dad change as a result. He is far more expressive of his appreciation and love for me... and I am able and willing to receive his love without hesitation. This is truly a miracle!

In full transparency, this doesn't mean that he doesn't get on my last nerve at times, but I'm sure I get on his nerves too! ??

If you are harboring anger, like a fugitive on the run, my hope is that you give yourself space to grieve and process your feelings with a trusted friend, therapist or coach. Please feel free to reach out to me if you want to discuss next steps and which option is the best for you.

Your friend and coach,

Grace