The Pain of Internal Growth

Lately, my mind has been constantly giving me the image of sitting in the eye of a hurricane. I have been pondering why but as I observe my internal and external world, I am better understanding the symbolism behind it…

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1. We are the center of our own universe and we know what is in our best interest*.
2. We got to trust that when we are truly balanced out internally, we will know the right steps to take to find our OWN right path forward.
3. Everything outside of us is meant to serve as a beacon back to ourselves so we can determine what is in our best and highest interest.

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If confused, turn inward.

Cut the noise, ruthlessly.

Be still.

The answers come in silence.

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The minute we go outward looking for guidance, we can get swept up in others’ universes, schemas, and we lose focus of our own inner truth & our deepest desires*. When we can listen to others’ perspectives without it becoming our own reality and simply viewing it as another side of a die, we gain a bit more perspective and look at life a little more holistically in order to draw the best conclusion for ourselves.

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This is not a journey meant for those who fear or are incapable of deep inner shadow work and CONSTANT egoic death and rebirth.

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Make your own choices, own your mistakes.

We are human, mistakes are normal. It does not make you any less valuable.

Learn. Grow. Adapt.

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I come at this from the perspective of having spent almost my entire existence introspecting. I have shifted identities so often I feel like I’ve lived countless lives within my life, and I’ve reached a place now where I am reaching my core essence;

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our collective core essence: Love.

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When we really sit down and begin to ask ourselves the harder questions, to peel back all the layers behind our desires, and understand our fragmented lens of the world (shaped by our individual upbringing, environment, experiences, understandings of the world, etc.)… amidst the chaos, we all collectively value 1 thing:

Love.

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Love for self.

Love for others.

Love for fun.

Love to serve.

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However, this core gets covered by fear and shame paradigms, not to mention the pressurized demands required to ensure our individual and collective survival…

but when is enough, enough? At some point in chasing external “enoughness”, we have to sit with ourselves and ask some deeper-rooted questions to understand our “why” and evaluate if this seed bears the fruit we wish to reap.

If we constantly seek external “enoughness”, we will never be fulfilled. There will always be more and we will always be operating in lack.

But if we turn “enoughness” inward?...

What happens then?...

I’ve spent well over a decade gathering knowledge from books, videos, people, and nature. My lens is deeply coloured by philosophy and psychology and these days, a lot of spirituality and sprinkles of various religious teachings.

My hobbies include: pondering our collective existence and understanding human psychology and how it affects relationships with others.

I am curious in seeking the depths, capacities, and healing abilities behind “love”. With each adversity I face, I’ve been actively transmuting it- to view it through a lens of love and diligently working on speaking from a place of love.

It has felt insurmountable these days and there’s been days of regression, but it is less about the destination and more about the journey + lessons learned along the way.

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Whatever we focus on, expands and the only real control we have is of ourselves. Atrocity will happen and it has for a long time, and it will continue to repeat until we as a species collectively evolve beyond the egoic self and the fundamental ideology of “if I lose then you win and vice versa”.

Rather than turning outward, turn inward first and balance yourself out. Do the work and stop being at war within yourself - love and work through all parts of yourself, transmuting the dark into light.

Admit you are the problem** and heal. Grow. Be better.

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"Men are born soft and supple; dead they are stiff and hard. Plants are born tender and pliant; dead, they are brittle and dry. Thus whoever is stiff and inflexible is a disciple of death. Whoever is soft and yielding is a disciple of life. The hard and stiff will be broken. The soft and supple will prevail." - Lao Tzu

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To know that your loving kindness and compassion has the ability to soften hearts and inspire others to work harder at being and doing better is something that deeply satisfies me as an individual.

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I am grounded in the ideology of loving people whole-heartedly (practicing compassion, kindness, and mindfulness) while remaining fundamentally detached from outcomes or associating anything as inherently “good” or “bad”. Be whole on your own and give people full autonomy to do as they please and stay as they will - your tribe will stay and weather the heaviest of storms with you and those are ones you go to war with.

For a vast majority of us, love has been given fundamentally from a place of lack and with a whole list of conditions that it is something generations continue to perpetuate and until we are whole and fully love-embodied within ourselves, we will continue to repeat the cycle collectively. They are all simply experiences that shape our perception of the world but they only have power over you when you choose to give it the power. Until we realize that and consciously reprogram our minds, we will continue to give our power away.

You can continue to see the world as a cold harsh place or you can focus on the people who are doing amazing things to better the world. Afterall, passion and intensity both root in the same core essence, it just matters how you look at it ?? So whether you actively recognize it or not, we are all making the collective choice for how we want the world to become – on the small scale but also the large scale but betterment MUST first start within (we can keep hard swinging left and then right. This breeds more animousity and further perpetuates the "me" vs "you" mentality rather than the "us" and "we" mentality).

We have to create space that can hold all our beautiful traits but also the dark, ugly ones. Until we can transmute THOSE parts within ourselves and tame those monsters, how can we tackle something as grand as things happening on the world stage? Start small and trust that as YOU radiate light and begin to gain momentum, that you will inspire some to do the same and help others find their way into the light.

The world is collectively hurting and we are all intricately connected. The sooner you recognize that reality, the sooner you can begin to do the deep inner work needed to integrate your shadows.

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I understand that it sounds like an impossible task to constantly aim to be a brighter light for those lost in the dark and every day is a legitimate struggle, battling between the protective egoic self and our inherent selfless, loving spirits.

It’s hard. It’s lonely. It’s not for everyone and that’s ok. All our journeys are different.

But…

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When we continue to shift our internal reality, our external reality has no option but to bend to eventually reflect what we feel internally***.

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As you change your thoughts, beliefs, and actions, your reality will make a complete and total shift. I used to operate under the assumption that if I spoke up, I would be hated, judged, and criticized for it. Quite frankly it is still something that lives in my brain rent-free but now I live for it because it means I matter enough that people would rather talk about me than focus on bettering themselves and lives.

It is all about a perspective shift but you MUST untether from your existing thoughts, beliefs and patterns by staying grounded in yourself and letting the external world swirl around in chaos as you change and grow. This will mean losing friends, family, and people of the like who are not able to meet you where you are going.

It will feel lonely for a while but during the space, we need to focus on removing the things that no longer serve us for where we wish to go: physically, emotionally, and energetically. Somehow, with each tender goodbye, comes an even warmer hello. It may not look that way when you are going through the thick of it but if you keep walking the path, learning and growing, you will come out stronger.

“Water does not resist. Water flows. When you plunge your hand into it, all you feel is a caress. Water is not a solid wall, it will not stop you. But water always goes where it wants to go, and nothing in the end can stand against it. Water is patient. Dripping water wears away a stone. Remember that, my child. Remember you are half water. If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it. Water does.” ― Margaret Atwood, The Penelopiad

Stand firmly in your light and do not let the world harden you. The right people will find their way into your orbit but you got to make space for it first by making space within yourself.

We can only give as much as we've given to ourselves.

*Note: We truly know what is in our best interest after we have fully processed how our lens, likes/ dislikes, etc are coloured as a result of our unique upbringing and life experiences. If we are riddled with trauma and are not consciously aware, our programming may be very convincing in telling us what we think may be in our best interest even if it is not. Deep introspective work and healing through professionals can make ALL the difference in detaching from old behavioural patterns that no longer serve you in your best and highest interests.

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**Note: I recognize how triggering this statement can be and it is not meant to diminish one’s own sufferings but rather it is meant to serve as a statement to help one realize that by admitting the common denominator of issues in our respective universe is us, we can be empowered to also be part of the solution. I used to be someone who just kept her head down to focus on surviving and taking care of myself, as a lot of us are and operate. As I began to REALLY heal and do the deep inner work, I realize I have been avoiding things. Now, in my journey, I actively seek to be in a position where I am loud and can make change and help those who are still in a dark place, keeping their head down and trying their best to survive. My heart goes out to all those who are deeply hurting, regardless of where you are in life.

***Note: When we continue to challenge our own thoughts, beliefs, and behavioural patterns while rooting firmly in kindness, compassion, and loving forgiveness, somewhere along the path, you achieve deep inner peace – there is no longer cognitive dissonance between what you seek internally and what you have in your orbit externally.