Owning your wanting melts obstacles from your path: Case in point, Amanda Brinkman

Last night we had the pleasure of being present for an inspiring conversation between two pillars of leadership mojo in the community, Anne Spaeth CEO of Long Table Hospitality, and Amanda Brinkman, Chief Brand and Communications Officer of Deluxe Corporation, at a benefit for the MN Women’s Foundation Young Women’s Initiative.

They spoke about life-paths to successful self-realization and creative manifestation in the world. Notwithstanding societal obstacles, or inner obstacles.

There is so much to comment from this thoughtful and inspirational discussion. But one thing that resonated with me, relates to what I think of as the 'owning of your wanting', which leads to obsessions that open doors in one’s life.

I suspect both Amanda and Anne are Jedis of this practice.

Owning your wanting

Regarding outer obstacles, Amanda paid respect to those who have gone before her to open space of greater inclusion in society. Indeed, prospects for a woman going into a 100-year-old good-old-boys company and driving big change are very different today that 30 years ago.

Regarding inner obstacles, at one-point Amanda said “I didn’t even know I wasn’t supposed to be able to…" [insert seemingly impossible thing here].

This is key. There is an underlying psychology here that transcends the limits of permission. In fact, it can makes limits of permission irrelevant.

It is unlikely that there were NOT obstacles all around Amanda. But somehow she was able to tune them out. At least just enough to proceed on a path that others would not have permitted themselves to walk in the first place.

I suspect Amanda has mojo-attributes that others can cultivate through strengthening the muscles of their own wanting. In fact, I heard evidence of this throughout the entirety of the discussion.

Here's how it works. Or can work.

When you become deeply connected to, and nourished by what you want to do, you become obsessed.

When you become obsessed, the things that nourish those obsessions (and yourself) become more evident. These become the basis of your ‘yes’.

You also get clarity on what things do not nourish you. These become the basis of your ‘no’.

When your yes's and no’s become clearer, your next actions become clearer.

When your next actions become clear, you are better able to recognize opportunities to build value into yourself and deliver value to others. And ideally, to do both simultaneously.

When the opportunities to deliver value to others and yourself in obsessional nourishing ways become clear, walls melt.

In fact, you may find yourself on the other side of walls you didn’t even notice were there.

“I didn’t even know I wasn’t supposed to be able to…" [insert seemingly impossible thing here].

The intimacy with this process leads, over time, to what we can only describe in terms of intuition, divine will, etc.

Because so much magic happens.

The challenge for so many of us today, is that we don’t even know what we want.

A great exercise is for you to deeply reflect and make a list of 10 things you really want.

Try it. You will—and should—find it hard. Because you probably don’t know what you actually want. Most of what you think of as your desires have been dictated by others, or are just the products of an inertia that carries you along like a clump of foam on the river of past decisions and reflex actions.

But you may know what your fantasies are. The problem is, is that you doubt them. You feel you don’t deserve them.

Fantasize about being president, or helping someone else specific become president, but think that’s not for you? Why not. Why aren’t you doing the things that will put you on the other side of that wall? Likely because you don’t think you can, so you don’t even start. You want something. But you don’t own that wanting. So you pretend you want other things that are more feasible. The walls still stand around you and in you. And you are left not knowing who you are or what your life should be.

Let’s fix that.

So try it. Write your list of 10 things. And to keep yourself honest, give yourself at least a month to work on it. Even if you get things down quickly, don’t consider yourself done. In fact, you are never done with this exercise.

The thing is, to continuously reflect on it. Every day. If not with every decision you make.

You may have been carried on the inertia for so long that you need to unwind years of false desires, illusions, and reprogram all kinds of internalized negative self-talk that you have inherited from the toxicities of others.

If you are not processing through this in the process of writing this list, you probably are not doing the work.

A good sign that you are doing the work, is that the things on the list should have items that seem impossible from your present situation. In fact, perhaps they all will. And they should. Your fantasies should stretch your current capacities. And thereby transform yourself and the world.

I don’t know. This is for you to determine. Not me.

And not anyone else.

To summarize;

1. Make a list of 10 things you REALLY want.
2. You are safe to keep it private so you can let your fantasies transcend the limits of self-doubt, social acceptance, or anything else.
3. Allow yourself at least a month of reflection on the list before you consider your first draft done.
4. If there aren't items that are or seem impossible, you probably aren't really doing it. Desire harder.
5. Try memorizing the items. Backwards and forwards. Burn them into your brain.
6. Think about this list, or items from it, to guide as many decisions as you can. Big and small. This isn't about dictation, this is about inner discovery.
7. These items can be self oriented, oriented to another person, or society, or the universe. That is all up to you.

Once you have more clarity on what you want, then you can re-start many other conversations regarding what you should be actually doing in life.

Because until you know what you want, there is no basis for such discussion. Only the inertia of foam on the flowing river of life.

Good luck.