Owning Our S**t, er… Mistakes

Recently, I screwed up. I had emailed a new coaching client several times to set up our sessions but received no response. I then connected with their assistant who gave me their available dates, which I confirmed by sending the client emailed calendar invites.

When they didn’t show for the first scheduled meeting, I assumed I was being ignored and sent the client an email expressing that I felt “ghosted” and disrespected. Only then did their assistant notice that I had been using an incorrect email for the client, and that they had never received my messages – except for the last one in which I had expressed my frustration, rather pointedly.

The new client was not pleased to say the least, which was understandable. They were unjustly accused. I immediately owned my s**t, er…my mistake, and sincerely apologized using a process called the “Seven Steps of a “Full Apology,” that I developed many years ago for my first book, The Respectful Leader.

However, despite my apology, we both determined that neither of us felt comfortable moving forward, and the coaching relationship ended before it started.

I feel very badly about my screwup: assuming negative intent before checking all the facts. There’s no question that I will be doing things differently going forward.

But, by making a “Full Apology,” I lived up to my expectations of myself as a Respectful Leader. It may be small solace, but I can sleep better at night knowing that I did my best to apologize fully, even though the behavior that provoked the apology was not a shining example of good leadership.

Now, you may have noticed that most people – especially leaders – will either not apologize at all or will offer an insincere, non-apology apology (making excuses/blaming others) when they make a mistake. Typically, those who were impacted by or witnessed those mistakes will see this as adding insult to injury. As a result, their respect for that leader will go down.

But here’s what’s fascinating: our research at CRL indicates that when leaders sincerely apologize using the Full Apology process, respect for them by others will either remain the same or go up!

So, if you screw up, and you have the courage to own it and apologize, then you’ll want to consider using The Seven Steps of a Full Apology. Here they are…

1. Admit – specifically - what you did / the mistake you made.
2. Own it, making it clear that you know how what you did or said hurt them.
3. Apologize; make no excuses.
4. Describe how you’re going to make amends/change/do better.
5. Admit that it may take time to win back their trust/respect, and that may not happen at all.
6. Ask for their permission or willingness for you to start making amends and doing better.
7. At the very least, start doing better (no matter how they respond).

Of course, it’s vital that you’re sincere when making your Full Apology. Because it you aren’t, they’ll see right through it and lose respect for you.

So dear readers, I admit it here in print, I screwed up, big time. I also apologized, fully. Perhaps the two should go hand-in-hand. What do you think?

by Gregg Ward | Executive Director The Center for Respectful Leadership