Owning Our Emotions: A Powerful Lesson from Viktor Frankl

In the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, it's easy to let our emotions be swayed by the actions of others. How often have we found ourselves saying – or thinking – “You made me angry"? Whether it's a tense conversation with a spouse, a disagreement with a coworker, or an unexpected criticism, we often place the blame for our emotional reactions on others. But is this really fair – or ?even accurate?

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Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor and renowned psychiatrist, offers a powerful perspective on this issue in his seminal work, “Man's Search for Meaning”. Frankl's experiences in Nazi concentration camps taught him profound lessons about human nature and the resilience of the human spirit. The cornerstone of his philosophy is the idea that while we cannot always control what happens to us, we can control how we respond.

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Frankl famously wrote, "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." This quote hgihlights a critical insight: our emotional responses are, ultimately, within our control.

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When we say, "You made me angry," we're effectively giving away our power. We're implying that the other person has control over our emotions, when in reality, the anger we feel is a result of our own choice in how we interpret and react to a situation. This is not to say that the actions of others don't affect us – they do. But how we let those actions impact our emotional state is up to us.? In Frankl’s words, we made a choice to respond with anger.

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The Fallacy of "You Made Me Angry"

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Let's consider a common scenario: a disagreement with a coworker. Imagine your colleague criticizes a project you've worked hard on, suggesting that it’s not up to par. Instantly, you feel a surge of anger. You might think, "They made me so angry with that comment!" But did they really make you angry, or did you choose to respond with anger?

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According to Frankl's philosophy, the coworker’s comment is just a stimulus. Your anger is not an automatic or inevitable reaction – it’s one possible response among many. You could also choose to respond with curiosity, asking for more details about their concerns. You might choose to feel disappointed instead of angry, or perhaps use the critique as motivation to improve. The point is, the choice of how to react is yours.

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The Power of Positive Presupposition

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A mentor once shared with me a powerful idea that further complements Frankl's teachings: the power of positive presupposition. The concept is simple but profound – live your life believing that people generally do not say or do things to purposefully or intentionally upset you. If someone criticizes your work or says something that could be upsetting, assume that it was not done with malice, but rather with the intention to help or without harmful intent.

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For instance, if a colleague points out a flaw in your work, instead of immediately reacting with anger or defensiveness, you can choose to believe that they are offering constructive feedback to help you improve. Similarly, if someone cuts you off in traffic or takes a parking space you were eyeing, consider that they likely did so unintentionally, without any desire to upset you.

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Another common scenario might involve a significant other or spouse. Imagine your partner makes a comment about how you handled a household task, perhaps suggesting that there's a better way to do it. Your initial reaction might be one of irritation or anger, feeling like your efforts aren’t appreciated. But if you apply the principle of positive presupposition, you can choose to see their comment as an act of caring – perhaps ?they’re trying to help make things easier or more efficient, not criticize or undermine you. This awareness and shift in perspective allows you to respond with understanding rather than anger, reinforcing the bond between you rather than creating unnecessary conflict.

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This mindset of positive presupposition encourages us to give others the benefit of the doubt, reducing unnecessary stress and conflict. It aligns perfectly with Frankl’s idea that we have control over our emotional responses. By assuming the best intentions, or at least neutral ones, in others, we can choose to respond with calmness and understanding rather than anger or frustration.

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Taking Back Control

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Understanding that our emotions are our own responsibility is empowering. It means that even in challenging situations, we have the freedom to choose how we respond. This doesn’t mean suppressing or ignoring our emotions, but rather, recognizing that we have the ability to guide and shape them.

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When faced with a situation that might trigger anger, we can pause and reflect: Why am I feeling this way? What are my options for responding? How can I choose a response that aligns with my values and long-term goals? By doing so, we not only manage our emotions more effectively but also improve our relationships and overall well-being. Truthfully, we can all do with less negativity in our lives, right?

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The Take-Away

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Viktor Frankl’s insights, combined with the power of positive presupposition, remind us that we are not merely passive recipients of our emotions. While external events and the actions of others can influence us, they do not – or should not – determine ?our emotional state. We have the power to choose our response, to decide whether to react with anger or with understanding, with frustration or with patience.

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By embracing this responsibility and adopting a mindset of positive presupposition, we reclaim our emotional freedom and foster a more positive and constructive environment around us. The next time you find yourself on the brink of saying, "You made me angry," pause and remember Frankl’s wisdom and the power of positive presupposition. The choice, after all, is yours.