Owning My White Fragility

"I am a white American raised in the US. I have a white frame of reference and a white worldview, and I move through the world with a white experience. My experience is not a universal human experience. It is a particularly white experience in a society in which race matters profoundly; in a society that is deeply separate and unequal by race.

However, like most white people raised in the US, I was not taught to see myself in racial terms and certainly not to draw attention to my race or to behave as if it mattered in any way. Of course, I was made aware that somebody's race mattered, and if race was discussed, it would be theirs, not mine."

The quotes in this post are from the book White Fragility. It was through a conversation with Dereca Blackmon (she/they) (thank you, Dereca) that I became aware of my own White Fragility and this led me to this perspective shifting book. The work I do with clients has a lot to do with perspective. Learning how to see reality and ourselves more accurately so we can show up in integrity as humans and leaders and move forward toward our goals - creating a desired vision of our future rooted in our values. I now consider White Fragility essential reading for every white person, leader and CEO who is truly interested at developing an honest self image and creating a more just and less racist society.

"We (I) live in a society that is deeply separate and unequal by race, and white people (including me) are the beneficiaries of that separation and inequality...

Socialized into a deeply internalized sense of superiority that we either are unaware of or can never admit to ourselves, we become highly fragile in conversations about race. We consider a challenge to our racial world views as a challenge to our very identities as good, moral people. Thus, we perceive any attempt to connect us to the system of racism as an unsettling and unfair moral offense.

The smallest amount of racial stress is intolerable - the mere suggestion that being white has meaning often triggers a range of defensive responses. These include emotions such as anger, fear, and guilt and behaviors such as argumentation, silence and withdrawal from the stress-inducing situation. (Silence and withdrawal are my defaults)

These responses work to reinstate white equilibrium as they repel the challenge, return our racial comfort, and maintain our dominance within the racial hierarchy..."

What are the root beliefs that support these reactive racial responses and silently support the status quo?

1) The belief that only bad people are racist.

2) The American ideal of individualism. This allows white people to believe that who we are, how we view the world and what we've achieved is only the result of our individual personal efforts and ignore that it is also dependent on the context of living in a society that has, since it's inception, given us advantages that others don't have because we are white.

"If I believe that only bad people who intend to hurt others because of race could ever be involved in racism, I would respond with outrage to any suggestion that I was involved in racism. Of course that belief would make me feel falsely accused of something terrible, and of course I would want to defend my character. The way we are taught to define racism makes it virtually impossible for white people to understand it.

If, however, I understand racism as a system into which I was socialized, I can receive feedback on my problematic racial patterns as a helpful way to support my learning and growth. One of the greatest social fears for a white person is being told that something that we have said or done is racially problematic. Yet when someone lets us know that we have just done such a thing, rather than respond with gratitude and relief (after all, now that we are informed, we won't do it again), we often respond with anger and denial. Such moments can be experienced as something valuable, even if temporarily painful, only after we accept that racism is unavoidable and that it is impossible to completely escape having developed problematic racial assumptions and behaviors." (for example, have you ever become more alert when walking down the street alone and pass a person of color?)

In other words, the first step in changing the system is to admit that we are involved in racism (i.e. we are racist because we have problematic racial assumptions and behaviors).

I am involved in racism.

This is unavoidable. Instead of spending my energy demonizing racists while feeling superior, I choose to view racism on a spectrum, call out racist behavior when I witness it (like George Floyd's murder), take action to create change, seek and receive feedback on the impact of my words and actions on others and incorporate that feedback to reduce racism and create a more just culture moment to moment.

There may be things I've written here that you disagree with or create discomfort. That's kind of the point. There may be things that are racially naive or problematic or you view as racist. I fully admit to being a novice in communicating about race and I welcome all input in an effort to learn and grow.

I highly recommend White Fragility.