Own Your Feelings

By: Lindy Earl

There is a reason for every feeling we have. In our pasts, many people had an effect on us and our feelings: family, teachers, bosses, friends. They all influenced us and our reactions, with their words, behaviors, and reactions.

If you feel anxious when entering a new situation, there is a reason. You have probably had at least one bad experience where you were the new person and, subconsciously, that feeling continues to have an effect on you. The negative experience was probably accidental. People didn’t mean to make you feel a certain type of way, but the fact remains, even subconsciously, and affects you in new situations today. In a positive bent, if you are excited about an upcoming event, then your history has probably shown you that similar events have ended up very happily. Again, you may not remember exactly when positive experiences occurred, you just know that you have positive feelings for certain events.

I was recently triggered. I didn’t even realize it until I was telling a friend about the situation, and she used the word. She was right. In setting up for Christmas a friend did not follow through on their word, and as I went ahead and handled the situation on my own, I realized that I had been in this situation many times in the past: Somebody told me that they would do something, then didn’t follow through, so I ended up doing the task, but at the last minute and under pressure. In situations like this, I tend to get angry at myself and wish I had just done the job in the first place. The difference this time is that I was aware of WHY I was feeling the way I was, and then my friend used the word triggered.

So now I wonder how we can learn our triggers?

First, we can be more aware of how we’re feeling, when we’re feeling it. I think it’s hard to live in the moment. So often we are thinking about something we forgot to do which leads us to thinking about the future when we shall have to complete the task, which means we are definitely not in our present. If we completely engage in our present situation, especially when others are around, we can intentionally focus on what we are feeling and why.

We can also try to explore some self-discovery. Why do we like or dislike doing things? A friend asked me to the movies recently, and while I wanted to go I was incredibly ambivalent when the time arrived. I realized that my issue was that I was going to a cinema on the other side of town and I have a strong dislike of new directions.

When I had job interviews, I always laid out the course the night before, and when possible, made a practice run. It greatly alleviated my stress. Some people will be able to relate and others will not be able to understand at all, especially in a world with GPS. Navigation systems definitely help, but they do not remove all the angst.

Why do I have direction anxiety? Was it because I struggled in my fourth grade Social Studies class when we learned maps? Is there some kind of failure in my past when I might have been yelled at for poor directions? If so, I have no conscious memory of it, but that doesn’t mean an unconscious response doesn’t linger.

I think, but really can’t say, that it was Dr. Phil who taught the world that we shouldn’t question other people’s feelings. If somebody says they feel some kind of a way, we have no business dismissing those feelings. Maybe, in our pasts, our feelings were often dismissed. Maybe we were told our ideas were stupid or wouldn’t work.

I remember, as a teenager, being laughed at for an organizational approach I took when packing. Then, about a month after two people had made fun of me for my idea, I saw the same tip in a magazine, for which the reader was paid $50. At 14 I had the same idea! I should have come away feeling great about my idea, but in fact I think the entire situation made me less prone to be creative and definitely less willing to share my ideas.

Fast forward to today. I am in the middle, again, of trying to minimize my possessions. I just have too much stuff! It’s better to never have bought the items in the first place, but it’s too late once you own them. What to do with the stuff? Friends have specifically told me to not save them for my kids because the children don’t really want the stuff and I’ll trip over it for years just to have them have to trash it all. Then they may have to deal with feelings of guilt, which is a whole other column, when I could have just ousted much of the stuff in the first place.

It’s not in my nature to just throw it all away. That seems so wasteful. Some friends, however, have discouraged me from giving the stuff to Goodwill, because it’s all owned by one family and they have gotten rich off of people like me. So while I know what I don’t want to do with it, I don’t yet have a good idea of what to do.

So I had an idea of how to handle the plethora of gift bags I have in a guest closet.?It’s absurd how much wrapping paper, bows, tissue paper, and other paraphernalia I have! When I had my idea my first thought was to just do it but not tell anyone because I would be laughed at or told how stupid the idea was. Isn’t that a sad response? It’s my house, my stuff, and I can do what I will. So why would I even bother to think about what others would say?

There is a reason for every feeling we have. I’m sure the answer to that question is in my history somewhere. I think the better question is, how do we deal with these feelings?

In this case, I did confide to a friend, but asked her up front to not laugh if she found the idea dumb. She was, in fact, very encouraging. She probably would have been anyway, but I’ll never know. She did prove herself to be a safe listener, and it’s important to have safe listeners.

What I really need to do is teach myself to not care what others think. If somebody were to ever notice how I recycle gift bags, if they found the answer silly, then that’s on them.

I was chatting with a friend the other day about how I’m going to dismantle Christmas decorations very early this year. It’s my house and my choice, right? She told me that she feels sorry for me. This woman, unasked, told me she pities me because I want to take down my Christmas decorations before the new year. Another friend encouraged me to celebrate the entire twelve days of Christmas. For those who don’t know, the twelve days of Christmas occur after Christmas, ending with the Feast of the Epiphany on January 6th. So two friends have given me grief over a decision I made. In both cases I stood up for myself and said it was my decision. Did I sound a little defensive? Maybe. A little placating? Probably. At least I took a stand.

We have our feelings and need to own them. I think it helps if you can trace the roots and discover why you feel a certain way, or why something triggers you. Whether or not that’s possible, however you feel about something is personal to you. Own it. Embrace it. Move on. Your feelings really aren’t anyone else’s business.