Own goals, how to spend ￡500bn and your "must have" fashion items

When I was little we had a babysitter every Friday and Saturday. (I couldn't understand why anyone would want to go out on a Friday and miss Starsky & Hutch, but there you go, takes all sorts.). Her name was Molly and on Saturdays she would always bring us a Double Decker each. My brother ate his immediately (just like he ate all the Easter eggs immediately) but I saved mine for 9.25pm. Match of the Day. Time to move to the kitchen to read a book.

I may disagree with what you watch, I may dislike your TV choices, but I will defend to the death your choice to watch what you want on TV.

Voltaire Territory

We're there again, aren't we. Freedom of speech. In all the kerfuffle about Gary Lineker, I think my son hit the nail on the head this morning. He is studying politics, which is coming in quite handy, and announced "It wouldn't have got past first base in the US." (confusing choice of analogy) "First amendment, freedom of speech .." he went on to clarify.

You don't need me to add to the acres of coverage about the matter, so I won't. "Man uses twitter to express an opinion" would have nicely summed it up, were it not for a few underlying factors.

Sunak's 5 Priorities

Here's where it all went wrong. Egged on by the Daily Mail and a glaring gap in the opinion polls, Sunak declared that one of the top 5 issues facing the nation today was "stopping the boats."

Now, I don't deny that it's a problem and a very thorny one at that (Matthew Syed writes very wisely and powerfully in the Sunday Times today if you want a decent analysis) but I reckon about 0.1% of the population wake up on a Saturday morning worrying about it.

Compared to around 3.5 million people in the UK alone, and many others around the world who wake up on a Saturday morning worrying about how their football team will do. I'm not one of them but I know an awful lot who are. And they've been denied their fix because the BBC have been forced, it would seem, to crack down on a globally recognised superhero who chose to criticise the language around their latest plans.

(I remember getting off a bus in a remote part of Turkey when I was backpacking there, aged about 20, and some boys running up to my boyfriend to persuade us to buy something or other shouting "Hey, you, mister .... Gary Lineker " That would have been around 1986.)

I don't see how this ends but I suspect Gary Lineker isn't going to be the loser.

Nice Money if You Can Get it

￡500,000,000 - That's what Sunak has agreed to pay France to help sort the problem. This does not, of course, include any agreement on behalf of France to enable the UK to actually return anyone to France because we have no return deal with the EU (Brexit is most definitely NOT DONE my friends).

I'm intrigued to see how much Jeremy Hunt decides to invest in providing parents with affordable childcare in this week's budget.

Actually, speaking of Brexit, what's with the Northern Ireland Protocol? Are the DUP still thinking about it? Has anyone put a deadline on thinking time? I thought this was Rishi's big triumph? What's the plan man?

Government by Daily Mail

Andrew Neil joined the Newscast podcast on Friday, to weigh in with his thoughts on Lineker-gate. He was in New York, where he was asked what the view was over there of Rishi Sunak.

"He could walk down 5th Avenue and no-one would know who he is" he replied, explaining that Rishi's focus on the aforementioned protocol wasn't exactly newsworthy in the US and so, to date, he hasn't really emerged as a major player on the world stage. I think he needs to take his nose out of the Daily Mail and look at the bigger picture.

Here are some practical suggestions:

The New IRA

Sorting out the Northern Ireland protocol is definitely important. But the IRA that Rishi really needs to watch is the one dreamt up by Biden's team. Ingeniously called the "Inflation Reduction Act" what it really is is a MASSIVE effort to provide government subsidies to increase investment in green energy.

Guess how much they've announced in spending and tax cuts?

$500,000,000

Recognise that number? OK, the currency isn't quite the same but last time I looked the dollar sterling exchange rate was about 1.20 so it's not wildly different.

What's the green energy strategy for the UK? Anyone know? Perhaps it's in the same draw as the industrial strategy. If only decarbonisation was one of Rishi's 5 priorities.

Science and Technology

Last week, the Government made a big song and dance about investing ￡300m extra in Science & Technology.

This was timely as the same week saw the publication of a review led by Sir Paul Nurse, Nobel prize winner and Chief Executive of the Crick Institute, concluded that the UK seriously under-invests in R&D. At 0.46% of GDP we come out 27th in a list of 38 OECD countries. Way behind South Korea, Germany and the US.

So you'd think in making this announcement they'd also celebrate the EU saying the UK might be able to rejoin Horizon, the key funding platform for science & tech across Europe. But no. Instead, Michelle Donelan, the newly appointed Secretary of State for Science and Innovation (degree in History and Politics, worked in marketing before going into politics) appeared on Radio 4 to tell the Daily Mail readership that she had no intention of signing up to Horizon before making sure it was "good value for money".

Sir Paul Nurse, the esteemed scientist and Nobel prize winner, said, in his review, that association with Horizon was "critical".

Not sure how Michelle is planning to conduct her "value for money" audit but why don't we just go with Sir Paul Nurse?

HS2

Speaking of value for money. Apparently it's not going into Euston, it's stopping at somewhere called Old Oak Common. Me neither. And it's not going to the North (however you define "North" it's definitely not Birmingham).

I don't claim to understand the economics and the business case but the explanation given for the latest delay seems nonsensical. Apparently inflation means it's going to cost more than they expected, so they are going to delay the spending for a couple of years.

Excuse me? How does that save money in the long run? According to everything I've read its something to do with meeting short term targets for Government debt. Oh, and guess what! Here's another one of those 5 priorities

• We will make sure our national debt is falling so that we can secure the future of public services.

Darn it.

Anyway, the WORST of it is that whilst they wrangle about this, they still haven't fixed the blinking Transpennine Express, which regular readers will know is critical to economic growth in the North of England and my ability to flit easily between Sheffield and Manchester.

Levelling Up

Forget it. That was so 2020. It didn't make it to one of the 5 priorities so the Red Wall MPs will have to make do with sound bites from Lee Anderson. That'll make sure their seats are safe.

The Fashion Slot

We haven't needed this recently as we seem to be locked in Winter. Perma-frost. However, as any savvy shopper knows, if you wait until the Summer to buy your Summer clothes, you're too late. They're all gone and the rails are full of winter warmers.

Which is obviously why Net-a-Porter is full pelt on their Summer campaign. My eye was drawn to this lovely cream crocheted number. It retails at ￡2,825 (yes, you read that right) and you'll have to be QUICK because it's already LOW STOCK.

Or, alternatively, you can hot foot it to Zara and pick up the one on the right for ￡35.99. You'll forgive me for not modelling it for you. Still working on the tan, amongst other things.

Back in the real world, where Winter still reigns, I recently had another dilemma. Tried on these fake leather trousers in a shop in France recently. I couldn't quite work out whether they were totally naff or incredibly cool. On the one hand, they're Isabel Marant, so they have to be cool, right? On the other hand they're made of fake leather and they have an elasticated waist.

I had to ask my daughter for her opinion. "Mmm" she said, rather unhelpfully. "I see what you mean." Pause. "I think they're cool, as long as you don't wear them with heels". This all made sense. Until she added "Or Up North. They wouldn't be cool up north."

I still haven't quite worked this last bit out, but never mind because look what popped up in The Times on Wednesday

You heard it here first. Or second if you're a Times reader.

I'm listening to: Arctic Monkeys: Believe the Hype - 8 part series on BBC Sounds/Radio 1. Fantastic first hand account of the band's early days and the making of their debut album.

I'm reading: Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver. The Women's Prize for Fiction long list came out this week and this book features. Modern reworking of David Copperfield. Loving it so far. Read most of the short list last year and they were fabulous. By the way, if any of you are in a position to help I think I'd be an excellent choice for the 2024 panel. I'd even give up all my ambitions to have a proper paid for column somewhere.

I'm watching. Better. Worse.