Own 100% of your 10%

Conflict. Ughh. The very word conjures up images and feelings for me. How about you?

I grew up in a conflict heavy environment, in fact, I'm an 8 out of 10 on the ACES Survey. (That's the Adverse Childhood Experiences Survey. Learn more here.) Ouch.

To this day, heated exchanges in my general vicinity cause my flight, fight, or fawn response to kick in. Normally the flight response. So if you see me walking very intently from a group, conversation, etc., you'll know why.

Knowing this about myself is key, how about you? I was determined as a child and now an adult, to beat my biases. To beat my upbringing and quite frankly the programming that comes with it.

Ahhh, that's the rub, isn't it? It's not necessarily the experiences, although it is, it's the programming that ensues. That's the a-ha moment.

I was at church and my pastor (Rick Warren from Saddleback Church) was delivering a message on Restoring Relationships and Managing Conflict. Wow and Yikes, and I want to know more, but don't....all at the same time.

As someone who studies and works diligently to address my deficits, I was so intrigued by this message for a couple of reasons.

1. We're not taught how to address and navigate conflict well. (Clearly, look at our world right now.)
2. Personally, I wanted to be better. For myself, my kids, my husband, and the world around me.

During the message, Rick said the following words:

Own 100% of your 10%

Even if the other person is dead wrong in EVERY area (and they always are, aren't they?), it still takes two to tango. And if you're the other person, you're the tango partner and probably contributed in some way.

Own 100% of your 10%

Ouch. Ok, so now what? What does this have to do with leading?

Everything.

Our pride will tell us it's someone else's fault. Someone else's responsibility. Someone else's <insert excuse> here.

All pride does is burn it all down. Pride to be right. Pride to get even. Pride to keep our teflon suit on fully.

But it doesn't have to be that way........

Humility and vulnerability are not the enemy. It doesn't mean we're weak. It means we're human and we're going to screw up.

Saying, "I'm sorry, I didn't ask enough questions to provide guidance". Or "I didn't set clear expectations to help appropriately", is perfectly acceptable. And welcome.

And oh by the way, we don't live in a world anymore where people figure it out. We live in an overly busy, hyper offended, diluted world. That's why the recommended writing level is at a 5th grade. Not because we're dumb, but because we're skimming, trying to take in the vast amount of data coming at us from all angles.

Where does this leave us?

Leading with heart and wanting to get better, I hope. And there's always hope, it's just not a strategy.

If you're wanting to get better, there's a way. If you're wanting to get off the hamster wheel and rise above the noise to get better - better results, better sleep, better balance, there's a way.

Join a Mastermind. I started a handful this year and would love to have you join us. However, it doesn't have to be mine, but I highly recommend you find a tribe that truly "gets you" and lifts you up so you can lift others.

There's a better way.