Of Overwhelm and Setting Boundaries: How To Regain Control

We live in such contradictory times. Technology has given us many gifts, and allowed us to delegate a lot of the tasks that we used to do slowly and manually to machines. The washing machine allows us to wash (and dry) our clothes with minimum effort, emails and texts allow us to write instantaneous messages to anyone on the planet.

While all of the tools at our disposal help solve the critical problem at hand (washing clothes, communicating important information), they create a whole new set of tasks - related or unrelated - that take over our lives. Away from the simple things like growing food and keeping clean, we are rushing our way toward new things, faster and faster. We are caught in the velocity of the progress that we have brought to the world and can't seem to stop.

The Accelerating Pace of Life

I remember once, as a child, I visited the Bavarian mountains in the German Alps. For some reason, I thought it was a good idea to run down a slope. While at first running was fun and joyous, I gradually realised that I was losing control. The slope increased my running and I couldn't control my speed anymore, I was slowing down. It was scary. I cried for help and my parents told me to fall.?

To fall? That was even scarier! I was definitely going to hurt myself falling. But falling was inevitable. Getting hurt was inevitable. The earlier I fell, the less likely I was going to get hurt. Caught in the speed of the slope, at a speed that had taken over me and that I could not sustain, there was no other option.

I fell. I don't remember if I made myself fall or if I fell naturally but I fell. I didn't get hurt more than a few scratches and bruises and my parents were immediately there to comfort me. In my head, the incident lasted forever, though in reality, it mustn't have been more than a few seconds.

The Historical Context: How We Got Here

In his book "Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind", Yuval Noah Harari describes in chapter 18 how "the industrial revolution turned the timetable and the assembly line into a template for almost all human activities". Our day is no longer ruled by the rhythm of the sun and the earth, but is divided into "slots" that must be put to good use.?

Harari notes that "The typical person consults these clocks several dozen times a day, because almost everything we do has to be done on time." Time is omnipresent in our lives. We are all cogs into the timetable of the world and have to keep the pace so everything can go on.?

The Modern Dilemma: Caught in the Speed

We create machines and tools that will help us save time, but just like my unfortunate run down the slope, we are caught up in our speed and are increasingly growing our pace because we need more: to do more, to be more, to accomplish more. The inertia of society drives an increasingly demanding rhythm. A rhythm that isn't ours anymore.?

Even if we continually produce solutions to gain time and ease our lives, we are steadily adding complexity, expectations and ill-adapted structures. Within this context, it is understandable that many of us feel overwhelmed.

The Reality of Overwhelm

It doesn't take much to tip the balance toward overwhelm. According to a study from the Mental Health Foundation from 2018, "74% of UK adults have felt so stressed at some point over the last year they felt overwhelmed or unable to cope".

Society will not slow down. Companies will not slow down. Progress will not slow down. If anything, the challenges that we face as a society have become more complex. It is up to us, humans, to set our boundaries. Those boundaries are not a failure to keep up, they are a strategy to regain some control and to extract ourselves from the inertia, from a never-ending vicious cycle of unhealthy productivity and performance that is detrimental to our collective health (mental and physical) and the decisions we make.

The Boundaries We Don’t Allow Ourselves To Have

I recently spoke with an overwhelmed client about her impossible schedule of back-to-back meetings and the impossibility of making time for strategy, reflection, let alone self-care. She often works in the evening and at weekends. During our conversation though, she mentions a member of her team, who finishes his day every day at 6.30 pm, without question and without guilt.?

That individual is on a temporary contract and my client is working hard to get the person hired permanently. It's interesting, isn’t it? This individual can set a boundary around his work day and still be considered an asset, worthy of being invested in. If he can, why can't she?

Understanding Our Barriers to Setting Boundaries

This points to the fact that it is not necessarily external factors that prevent us from saying no. It is very often an internal factor. Those internal factors are the product of the particular circumstances of the individual, their history and experience.

If people can't set boundaries it is because they think they can't. It might be that they are afraid that if they do, there will be consequences: they will be fired, they will be humiliated, they will be rejected. It might be that they know none of these things will happen, but their unconscious still operates as if these things were true.

The Power of Boundaries: An Act of Self-Affirmation

Therefore, finishing work is not just about setting an alarm and leaving at 6.30 pm. There is a bigger question to ask ourselves about our relationship to our own self-worth, our right to do things for ourselves and our relationship to status, authority and our place in the world.

Because setting boundaries is an act of affirmation. It is saying, bluntly to the world, that I exist and I matter. I have needs and wants, I have the right to have them and I have the right for them to be met. While it seems utterly obvious to state that - anyone agrees, the reality that I have seen both in my corporate experience and in my practice as a coach is that, in action, it is not as obvious to act on it.

Practical Steps to Regain Control

So what to do? How can we start setting boundaries and regaining control? Here are some steps you can take:

• Start small: Choose one area of your life where you feel overwhelmed. Maybe it's your email inbox or your meeting schedule. Set a small, achievable boundary there first.
• Practice saying no: It's not easy, but it's necessary. Start with low-stakes situations. Remember, "No" is a complete sentence.
• Schedule downtime: Block out time in your calendar for rest and reflection. Treat it as seriously as you would any other appointment.
• Communicate clearly: Let others know about your boundaries. You might be surprised at how understanding people can be when you explain your needs.
• Embrace imperfection: Remember, setting boundaries isn't about being perfect. It's about creating a sustainable way of working and living.
• Listen to your body: Notice when you're feeling stressed or overwhelmed. These are clues that you might need to reinforce your boundaries.

Embracing a New Way of Living and Working

In this fast-paced world, feeling overwhelmed has become a fact of life. But it doesn't have to be this way. By recognising the societal pressures that push us towards constant productivity, understanding our own internal barriers to setting boundaries, and taking small but consistent steps to reclaim our time and energy, we can shift from being overwhelmed to being in control.

Remember, setting boundaries isn't selfish - it's necessary. It's how we ensure we have the resources to do our best work, to be there for others, and to live a life that feels meaningful to us.

It's not always easy. Like my childhood self running down that mountain slope, sometimes we need to make the scary decision to 'fall' - to stop, to say no, to disappoint someone in the short term - in order to prevent a bigger crash later on.

If you're feeling caught in the rush, unable to slow down, know that you're not alone. And know that change is possible. It starts with one boundary, one 'no', one moment of choosing yourself.

Ready to start your journey from overwhelmed to in control? Remember, support is available. Whether it's through a coach, a therapist, or a trusted friend, don't hesitate to reach out. After all, setting boundaries around our own capabilities is perhaps the most important boundary of all.

If that resonates and you're ready to have this conversation, reach out for a conversation .

This article was originally published on Walayance