Overdose of feelings

Do you know the feeling when you suddenly, very unexpectedly, experience something very radical and in a few seconds you get an overdose and mix of unknown feelings through your body? It happened to me a few months ago. I came face to face with the fact that my mother would die. My mother, my biggest support, my everything. I was stiffened and shocked. I was pushed against the wall. My world stood still.

Tuesday 18 April 2017. A day I'll never forget. It was an ordinary day. At 9h in the morning I was on my way from Italy to Belgium. Not knowing what my day would bring me further. When I arrived in Charleroi I called my mom and told to her that I would be at home at 2 o'clock for a little visit. She sounded a bit restless. She told me that she had been to the doctor and that she had to go to the hospital in the evening. I immediately felt that it was serious. The tone of her voice, her way of doing; it just didn't feel right. When I arrived at my parents' house, I didn't know what I saw. I sat down on my knees and took my head between my two hands. "Mom, what is this?!!! You're so yellow, what did the doctor say?!!!"

And then it all began. The beginning of 47 difficult, heavy, emotionally intense, but also educational and beautiful days. The last days of my mom.

Wednesday 19 April 2017. I went to the hospital of Knokke ( A city in Belgium ) with my youngest sister Stefanie. We wanted to talk with the doctor. I really hoped it would be jaundice or something else. "Hi doctor, we are the daughters of Frieda. Can you tell us something more please?" The doctor gave us an answer: "It doesn't look good at all. Everything indicates cancer. Pancreatic cancer with surges to the liver." My sister and I looked at each other. "WHAAAAT? OH MY GOD! NOOOO, PLEASE NOOOO!!!" ... "Can she still get through?" ... The doctor looked at me in a way that explained enough. I sat down and looked outside the window. It was as if everything was standing still. The trees, the cars, the clouds. Everything was STILL. The first tear flowed down my cheek.

Overdose of feelings

I was grabbed by my throat and pushed firmly against the wall. Eye in eye with an overdose of unknown feelings. My first reaction was: "No, please let me go!!!" I wanted to run away! I felt too much! But... when they say that your mother has only one month left to live, you can't walk away from the situation or negotiate with the situation. I had to be there for my mom, my dad and my sisters. That confrontation was terrible, really terribly difficult. My mother lay in the hospital for 12 days and after that she still has lived for 35 days at home. Every time I came home and saw mom, I was confronted with this overdose of feelings. It felt like they were stabbing 100 knives in my heart and belly. I felt so much pain. Pain because my mother was going to die and pain because I felt she was in a lot of pain. And then the voices of your friends and family: "Enjoy the last moments with your mom..." This was so difficult. I struggled so hard with myself. There were days that I started hyperventilating and wanted to do something else every 5 minutes. I was completely in shock. I spent hours on the beach. I didn't want to believe it. "Why do I have to lose my mother??!!!!!" I was so angry! I felt so much sadness throughout my entire body. Sometimes I walked away from the situation because it caused me so much pain. As a result, I often struggled with my sister Stefanie. She was at the house of my parents day and night. I knew I had to look in a different way to the situation. For my own body, for my sister, for my dad and also for my mum. One night I came home, I took a pen and paper and wrote down every feeling I felt deep inside. From the moment I started writing, I started with my own processing. It was such a relief for me that I found something that helped me alleviate the immense pain. And every day that I came home from spending time with my Mom, I added some feelings on my sheet of paper. I felt that I got more and more rest in my body and that I could handle the situation much better. Experiencing the feelings deeply would be something for later. The first thing I had to do was write down the feelings, recognize them, accept that they were there and fully enjoy the time that my Mummy still had.

The last days of my mother 

During the last days of my mother, we all did everything we could. Her favourite food were oysters. It was every day on the menu the last three weeks! I "really enjoyed" seeing my mother "enjoying" her oysters. By really consciously experiencing those moments, the intense pain that I felt inside was alleviated. These were the moments in which I could take the power and courage to use it when sadness took me over. And there was a lot of sorrow. These moments were invaluable!

I felt so much respect for my mom's drive. Despite everything, she remained so strong. Together with my youngest sister we arranged her funeral. And then suddenly there you are, sitting next to your mom with a catalogue of coffins in front of her while she was still jumping and running around two months before. That feeling was so strange, so absurd. When we were choosing her coffin together, she suddenly said: "It has to be a strong coffin so the insects don't eat me immediately." I pulled my eyes wide open, looked at her and thought: "Omg, I am so blessed that you are my mother, you are so strong! "- If you are so sick and you know that you are about to die and then saying these words! - Damn, Unbelievable!!

But then again, despite her optimism, strength and joy of life, we saw her deteriorating slowly. Her body was exhausted. Mom begged to die. Thursday June 1 , she slipped in a coma at home and Sunday June 4 at 6h23 she blew out her last breath. They picked her up with a black van. When they drove away I started to wave hard and call: "Bye mommy!!!!!!!!!!"; then suddenly the feeling came back that she always did that with me when I left home after a visit. As I waved, I saw her in my mind waving thousands of times with her one hand through the window and with a big smile on her face: "Bye Valériekeeeeeeeeeen!". It was so strange and at the same time so emotional to do this now for her.

My mother died one week after this picture was taken. I was exhausted and my mother just kept laughing. Mom, I carry you in everything I will do, such will and vitality that you had... I have so much respect for you!

Besides the loss of my mom

I have four sisters. My oldest sister, Heidi, and so my mother's first child, didn't come home anymore after the diagnosis was made that mom was incurably ill. That was very difficult to understand. Certainly because you know very well that there has never been anything serious between them. Only a few discussions. As soon as we heard that Mama could not cure anymore, we did everything we could to give our mother the best possible care. When I heard that my oldest sister wouldn't come home, I was really angry, sad and disappointed. We tried everything to get her home. Even a video recording where mommy was weeping and begging to see her before she died, didn't bring her to us. She asked so many times: "When does she come home? Will she stay away for a long time?" With so many tears in her eyes. Seeing and feeling this is terribly painful. I got tears in my eyes and said "Mom, please forget about it. We are here to guide you. We love you so much." Knowing that your mother will almost die and having to deal with this situation as well… I can't explain this feeling in words. I've had a lot of difficulty in understanding it and also in finding a place for it. But it's something between her and my mom. My other sisters and I did everything we could. We have nothing to blame ourselves for. The first message I received from her was when Mommy died: "My condolences sister." - Nothing more, nothing less.

The funeral

This was a very weird day. At the greeting, it felt like I wasn't there. They had dropped me right there. I had no realization of time and space at all. I was completely in another world. If you're shaking 250 hands and you wonder: "Why are those people here now?" Yes, that realization is really strange. I was sitting in the church right next to mom. It was my turn to read a text. Normally when I need to talk to a group, I am extremely nervous and I find it so difficult to read. Now it was different. I was very calm and felt such a connection with her. I also wanted to do this for my mom and I knew that I could learn a lot from it. I felt that the processing could be more smoothly if I could assign those words to her. Every time I didn't get out of my bed, my mom said to me: "I want, I can and I will!!" and with these words in my mind I walked with an incredibly big "drive" to the altar. I spoke in the microphone and kept in touch with the chest. It was like mom and I were there alone. The more words flowed, the deeper my connection with her became and the deeper I could go into my emotions. With tears in my eyes I walked back to my chair and carried a fist to the chest. That's what Mommy always did when I was faced with a difficult task: "Come on Valérieken," she said, and then the fist! I was very proud of myself that I had read my text to my mom! And she was there with me...

The mourning process

The denial

I couldn't really believe what the doctor said in the hospital. I went to mum's room and asked her if everything was okay: "Yes, of course, everything will be fine." I immediately received a signal from her, telling me that it wasn't okay with her. She wanted to hold her strong for us but deep inside I felt she knew well that it was fatal this time.The following days I went to the beach a lot. Completely defeated and in shock. I kicked around in the sea and on the beach. No, I couldn't believe it! Sadness and anger had taken over my body. "Why do you have to steal away my biggest support??!!" I didn't understand. I had a very good relationship with my mother. It was my mother who helped me every time I was bullied so hard when I was a child. Also in the fulfilment of my greatest dream of going to Italy and founding The Ultimate Step, she was the one who supported me through the good and bad. She gave me a lot of friendship and affection. I was very anxious about the feeling that this would all disappear soon. It felt as if they had tied a cord around my heart and stomach and that I couldn't breathe anymore. Breathing had become an assignment. I was really desperate for advice. I looked up and had only one question... "How can you withdraw such a valuable bond from my life?"

The recognition & the processing

After the funeral I had two very heavy months. You can compare it to the waves of the sea. A lot of ups and downs. In that period I lost 6kg of weight, I didn't get out of bed and I had a lot of nightmares. I couldn't enjoy anything else that made me happy either. Italy... Pff,Okay... Dancing ... Oh, does that exist? Learning Italian?? Pff... Table tennis... do I really have to do that?? These feelings of apathy I had never experienced before and they were very frightening. I just wanted to sleep. I was also constantly appointed to myself. No boyfriend, no colleagues around me or a boss who said I had to attend work at 8h o'clock. Really a tough period. I also didn't want to go to Italy because I'm the only one of the sisters who lives very close to our dad. My sisters are also there for my dad, but I always wanted to be there for him and wanted to cope with the situation in Belgium because it happened in Belgium. The moment I felt I was really going to sink into a depression, my head said, "Val, continue your life! Come on! "But my body said," No, just feel what you are going through!" "I'm someone who always wants to go forward very fast, there's nothing wrong in that, but is it in connection with your body or not? And that wasn't the case here. My body cried literally: STOOOOOP! And my head: GO FORWARD !!! And then again my body: STOOOOP! Yes, I seriously encountered myself. Finally, my body won. I received a signal and then I took my paper back with my feelings. I looked at all the feelings and it felt like I was able to feel every word that I had written in my body. I wanted to do something with that. Now was the time to experience the feelings deeply. I became aware of the first feeling, felt where it was stuck in my body and started to write and play on my piano. The more I wrote and played piano with the focus on that feeling, the quieter I became. I wanted to go through my intense sorrow without physically undergoing it. To me, I noticed that it is a matter of balancing everything and thus finding your equilibrium in it. I felt that the more intense the feeling was, the deeper it was. I acknowledged these feelings by writing about them, singing, playing the piano, walking and dancing. Once I was fully connected with that feeling and the pain was being transformed into rest, I felt I could finish that part and put my focus on another feeling. I really stood still with myself and my deep sadness. And by going through that sadness and standing still, without dislike or frustration, just then I felt I was moving forward and still going. To me, this was an enormously educational and engaging period. I seriously encountered myself. By consciously listening to my body, working with it and slowing down, I felt that I got to know my feelings and came closer to myself and dared to face the situation completely. I have come to the realization that the healing of a mourning process is in the conscious feeling and survival of your sorrow. I'm also going to relate much more. It really gave me a sense of rest when I finally gave myself the time to put every feeling in perspective. I know and I feel that if I don't deal with it now, I will have to fight it someday in the future. In addition to my writing and piano, I also talked to my mother's doctor, with an osteopath and a mourning therapist. Somehow I felt that it would help me to continue my life and knowingly come in terms with it. And it helped me immensely.

The processing with my father

Since my mother's death, I got to know my dad in a completely different way. Before my mom's death, I didn't have such an intense relationship with my dad as I do now. We always had a good contact, understood each other without words but we never had deep conversations. After mum died, we saw each other almost every day. He talked to me about mom and also about losing his own mother when he was four years old. Talking with my dad in such an intense way was new to me. It all felt double as well. I was busy with my own mourning process, and I also felt the sadness of my own dad, causing me to panic at the beginning because I felt that I couldn't continue my own mourning process. But again it was about balancing and thus setting limits. I talked to my dad about this and he understood. I learned a lot by talking to my father about his feelings. Daddy is 75 years and now I've had a lot of deep conversations with him for the first time. For me, it was also very inspiring and insightful to see how a man deals with mourning. During my conversations with my father, I really got the feeling that my mom and him loved each other very much. That really helped me to handle everything. Together with my father, I also found a farewell letter. He started to cry very hard. The fact that he has loved her so much and still does, is so beautiful and then you realize; Look, Val, Mom had a very nice life. They were very happy and this makes it all a little easier to accept.

The acceptance

The 47 days that mommy was sick were very intense. We all got exhausted and everyone really wanted that there came an end to this difficult period. It wasn't really no longer liveable. In the first few weeks after Mommy died, I had a hard time getting in at my parents' home because I was constantly pressing the facts. I haven't made it even more difficult for myself and haven't been at home for 3 weeks anymore. First, I wanted to get on with my processing so that the confrontation with home was much less intense. Then I noticed that creating distance for me resulted in a faster processing. Since a 2 number of months, I often go back home often. Last I went into the bedroom and I had a very special feeling. I sat down on the bed and suddenly saw my mother lying back there. I saw the moments in front of me when she was still there and that I thought: "Hey, guys, let mom go, it's been enough." When I was sitting there now, I thought: "That period was so intense but if she could come back to bed here for a while, that would be so blissful"... just feel her hand in my hand for a while." I therefore proposed it to me. I opened the closet and took her favorite coat and pressed it tightly against me. I walked to the bathroom with her coat in my hands and pulled open the closet to see her make-up and her perfume. Then I completely collapsed. I literally fell to the ground and I wept very hard. The first time I wept in full. This was such a relief.

A very important moment for me was the moment that my dad was told at the hospital that my mother had only one month to live. I still see it for me. I sat in the hallway to look outside in a chair. Suddenly, I felt it was time to go to my mother's room. Stefanie and my father were in the room. Mom and dad were talking and suddenly I saw tears rolling down his cheeks. It was already strange to me because I never saw my daddy cry. Suddenly he stood up, pulled open the door to the bathroom, collapsed, and began to cry and shout like a small child. This was so difficult for me to hear. With my hands on my ears I looked at my sister with wide open eyes and slowly and silently I got three words on my lips: "OH MY GOD". That was a shock moment. My mom jumped out of her bed and went after it. Stefanie and I opened the door gently and saw them sitting so intensely on the floor together. Hoh, that was so beautiful and so heartbreaking at the same time. This was really the first time in my life that I thought... Oh my god, my parents are such a nice couple and they look so happily! And afterwards, it also helped me to accept my mother's death. I've seen that she's been really happy with my daddy.

My mother gave me her engagement ring. In the beginning, I couldn't carry it at all. For a little month now, I've been wearing it every day. I bought a necklace for it. The fact that I can now wear that ring means a lot to me.

Coming to terms with it

Earlier in my article I already said how I watched them drive away with my mom after she died. It felt as if the circle of all the events of those hellish 47 days was full. Back then it was very painful, but I already felt the feeling that would help me in the last part of my mourning process; the acceptance. I felt that the only solution for me would be the full acceptance of my mother's loss.

Another reason why I can accept my mother's death is because my mother had cancer for the first time when I was 8 and the second time when I was 21. It would have been even more difficult for me if I had lost her then. At that age you haven't yet received everything from your mother. Now I'm 28 and I have been given everything. My mom gave me food, gave me clothes, she made sure I could go to school, that I could go to college and above all; she gave me the love that a child needs and has supported me very hard during the difficult periods of my life, and so on... So I could already figure out a part of it now. Of course, you will never lose your mother.

On the other hand, we have all been able to say goodbye to our mother and we had each our "important moments" with her. So there was a moment that I was accompanying my mom to the toilet and sitting on my knees for her. I looked straight into her eyes and held her hands and asked, "Mommy, did you have a nice life?" She said with complete conviction, "Yes, valérieken. I've done everything and had what I wanted in my life. "And that was enough for me. Enough to fully carry on my own life. We could also arrange the funeral together with her. The fact that we have managed to fully meet her needs is also a relief. When I sometimes hear people losing someone without being able to prepare for that, that is another story. So here I can relativize again.

I can already say that I've almost come to terms with the fact that my mum died. I believe she had everything she wanted and had a good life. Of course I am going to have a hard time during moments when I would like to introduce my boyfriend or when I am getting married or when I expect a baby. But I just feel that she will always be there. That is already the case. Every day I feel her with me and that's really a nice feeling. I feel her presence even stronger in Italy than in Belgium. I still have to find an explanation for that...

Last week we all went to the cemetery on November 1. It was the first time since the funeral that we have been together to our mother's tomb.A few weeks ago I thought: "Yes okay, November 1 is almost coming. Then we go to Mommy's tomb. "But when that day came closer and closer, it started to weigh down on me. Five days before All Saints' Day, I spent all my time alone. I didn't go dancing either. I wanted to prepare myself well so that it would not be emotionally overwhelming on the day itself.When I was standing at the tomb with dad and my sisters and my brothers-in-law, it was really difficult. The fact that your mum is there is still a very strange thing to realize.

Learning & Growing

I learned so much in those intense months.

First and foremost; Enjoy the little things in LIFE !!! Sounds like a cliche, you hear a lot of people say but applying this to reality is something else. Really enjoying the valuable moments is so important. A little three months before my mother's death we laughed so hard in my kitchen. We went to make a juice but put leek in it. "Mommy?" "Yes, Valérie." "Well, I still have leeks, shall I also add that to the juice?" "Yes, of course!" Okay, I took a sip and had to give almost immediately, Mom on the other hand shouted: "Val, please, drink it all!" Haha mommy no, you can't drink this. "Give it here!", she said. - BAM, she drank the entire glass! As a result, she had to hurry to the toilet. We laughed so hard afterwards! Especially when we saw leeks in the store. "Mom, what do you think... leeks tonight?!"

It was so much joy when I saw my mother "enjoy" her oyster's the last weeks. The real value of life is in these small moments. That feeling was indescribably intense and so valuable.

I work quietly during the coaching sessions at The Ultimate Step. Every note that I get from the client I write down, I will look at it separately and analyse it in order to make connections. Here I get one feeling at a time. In the situation with my mother, on the other hand, I suddenly got an overdose of unknown feelings. READ: UNKNOWN. These are feelings I have never felt in my life. I didn't have time to take each feeling separately. Due to the intensity because it was about my mother and the unpleasant feeling that those unknown feelings caused in me, I immediately went into SHOCK mode. So now I have learned that in such a situation it's better for me to immediately take some distance, to give myself enough time to first write the feelings down and afterwards when I'm ready to start feeling everything through.

I've learned that balance is really very important in many situations that happen in your life. When I got these overdose feelings about me, I had a lot of pain. From the moment I started to wrote down my feelings, I was able to balance the situation. My pain was relieved by writing, so I could go back to my mom. When I saw her again and again, I was obviously struggling, but I knew I would write my feelings down in the evening. Writing was my salvation and provided balance and res. By noting everything I still enjoyed important moments with my mum and I came into less conflict with Stefanie.

Earlier in my article I also said that it was very difficult for me to endure this period especially on myself. Now my three sisters were there for me but everyone handles it in their own way. I really wanted to be alone but that was incredibly intense. I also had no obligation of a boss to sit with colleagues every day. I went to dance regularly but I really didn't enjoy it. My dad came to me daily but he also had his own intense sorrow. In retrospect, I am very happy that I went only through it. I could only look at myself and take my own time to give this heavy loss a place. I knew Italy would be a huge comfort but I didn't want to leave Belgium because I wouldn"t have processed it in the same intense way. I really wanted to go through the intense sadness and not run away.

If something so terrible happens in your life that the world is literally pulled from underneath your feet, then believe these words: "Never underestimate your own ability and your own strength!" A great trust in yourself ensures that you will survive the situation and return from scratch. I always thought to myself that if my mom would not be here anymore, then my life would stop. No, the importance is… Life Goes On !! Your own pace is important, certainly do not run away from your grief and accept that there will be tough days.

My sister Stefanie and I had an ordinary bond before the situation with mom and as little children we were often cat and mouse. During the intense 47 days with mom, we often found ourselves at odds with each other. We are both hypersensitive but in a different way. But precisely because of our enormous sensitivity and in that big difference of character we encountered each other. She stayed with our mother DAY AND NIGHT!! I am very grateful to her!!! Stefanie is extremely sensitive, she could not handle the situation, but it felt as though she could go beyond her limits without succumbing. I did not think so. All these feelings overwhelmed me and I went into shock mode. It felt like she could immediately ventilate those feelings. Because I went into shock mode and therefore walked away from the situation and she actually crossed her limits but still got some hold of the situation, we were often fighting. And by sharing those quarrels repeatedly, we grew towards each other. Unbelievable!! Jefke, I love you so much!!!

My mom was always there. She was always ready to give me advice on anything! "Mommy, I have a spot on my t-shirt." - Valérie, come to me... I have a special product! "" Mommy, I'm a little sick. "-" Ok, I'm coming with fresh soup and fresh vegetables ... "Mommy, are you at home?" "Yes, do you want a coffee and a piece of chocolate?". And then that suddenly all goes away. Every time I get into such a situation, I want to call her but that's not going to happen anymore. By solving these things themselves or going to people who can fill that part for me, I feel that I have become more independent. Of those people who can fill that particle, I also accept the love that I get with it, and that can be a particle filling up void. So I really enjoy these moments.

I knew that if I was going to be very deep in my emotions when reading in the church, I was able to take that intense feeling afterwards and thus process the whole process. It also made me realize that if I go anywhere and go with heart and soul, I can effectively speak with a minimum of healthy stress to a large group of people.

While arranging the funeral, I also had to enter the funeral home. Together with my sister Els, we went to pick up the letters. In addition, the funeral owner (whom we know well) said: "Valérie, come and see in the garage. There is the coffin. But it is something different than your mother has chosen, because they're not making them anymore.In the garage I saw the coffin against the wall.Yes, in that moment you don't know where your head is. And then you really realize... This really belongs to life. In the past, you didn't think about it...

In one of the first weeks after the funeral, I went to visit Dad at home. Suddenly the neighbour comes outside and starts to talk to me. (I did not feel like talking to someone, as I was still in shock.) She says to me, "Hey Valérie, okay? Hoh, your mom was a ray of sunshine. I loved her so much. And now your dad alone. That has to be really bad. He does not know where his head is. I hope he’s going to be alright.” You know, she might have the best intentions, but I have nothing to say on a moment like that. It was already enough to keep myself from getting lost in that way of thinking. At times like that, silence is often the best answer you can give. Or you can just give a hand or a hug. Nothing more, nothing less and that's very precious and the only thing you actually want on moments like that.

I also had moments that I really wanted to talk to friends about what I had experienced. You notice that people who haven't yet experienced it can't understand it. And that is completely okay. All you want is that your closest friends and family listen to you and give you a hug.

Something I like to do is negotiate. The fact that I was pushed here against the wall and that I could not do anything, hit me very hard. I've had a lot of trouble to realize that. So I learned from a situation where I could not negotiate. And that was really very insightful for me.

Since the event with my mom I say more to the people I really like that I really care about them or regularly give them a hug, more than I did before. It's just really important that you say that in time, because before you know it, it might be too late.

Accept and honestly admit that you have bad and difficult days, for yourself and for other people. Allow your sorrow and don&#XNUMX;t fight. After my mother&#XNUMX;s death, I often fought with it because I thought I had to continue my life. But the STOP! that my body cried I&#XNUMX;m very grateful for, because this was the key to my processing.

Very strange what I'm going to say now, but I first lived in Italy for 7 months. Since June 2016 I also have an apartment close to my parents in Belgium. I had a feeling that something would happen to one of my parents. But I never dared to pronounce it.Therefore, a sense of prevalence has become reality. Always trust your feelings!

One thing I'm sure I'm going to keep doing in life is: SAY NO. That's what my mom never could do. She always jumped for everything and everyone. She put herself always in second place.

To me, a mourning period is a huge growth period, somewhat also a fascinating period and a "learning to know yourself better"-period. Mourning is a deep feeling of sorrow, but it also brings positive values. I can say that I have become stronger, I’ve learned to see things in perspective, I know myself even better now and have become even more self-sufficient. Recently, my car broke down and I have to manage without a car. In the past, this would have been disastrous for me. Now I think; it's just a car....

Until my 14 th year, we lived in a small village in East Flanders. Three weeks after my mother died, I went for a walk in our garden from back in the days. (During our move, the new owners told us that in the future we could always walk in the garden if we felt like it.) I wanted to get as many memories as possible. We had a very large garden. It happened often that I got off the school bus and saw mommy busy pruning her roses. When I was visiting the garden, I immediately got a flashback. It was so heart- warming. I also realized that I could be very grateful to my parents for allowing me to grown up in that house with that garden. In the past, I took all of that for granted. I went to daddy and thanked him very much for everything. It takes only a few moments to express your gratitude... moments that are so precious and so valuable... moments that you carry with you for the rest of your life !!

The connection with my mother and her sign

During my mother's last days, I had very important moments with her. One moment was very special. I accompanied her to the toilet at our home. I sat on my knees for her and had her hands in my hands. I loved holding my mom's hands, they were so strong and so protective. I looked at her and asked, "Mom, are you going to give me a sign when you are no longer here? Are you going to hit my shoulder. Do you continue to support me?" She looked at me and said; "Valleke, wherever I will be, I will continue to support you in everything you do. You will meet me in a place that is very important to you." Recently I had an appointment with a very good friend of me. A day Knokke would do me well because I had a lot of trouble about the loss of my mum that week. Suddenly I saw a church during our walk and I asked: "Eef, can we go in, I feel I have to go in." I didn't know why. We went inside along the side of the church. When I walked in, I felt an incredible energy and I was drawn to one image in the front of the church. The feeling was still much stronger. As usual, I burned a candle this time for mom. When I looked up, my eyes were drawn to the eyes of that image. And then I didn't know what I saw. There she was... I saw my mom her eyes!! I really didn't know what I saw... This was incredible! I was so happy!!! The tears rolled over my cheeks...

The fact that I met her in that church makes me very happy. The big place that my mum has in my heart felt so empty, it hurt so much and it felt like they had snatched the most important piece from my heart, but by feeling her presence that empty feeling is now getting filled up little by little and that feels really blissful. It sounds strange, but every time I want to tell something to my mother, I write it down, and when I go to Santa Maria Degli Angeli, near Assisi, I enter the church and tell her everything. That is the most special church in Italy for me and there I feel my mother's presence very strong.

My mom and I were very close. We really had an exception bond. She was a very strong madam who was always trying to help everyone. My greatest example! In the most difficult periods of my youth, when I was in trouble with all the torments around me, she was the one who always came to my aid. In everything I recognize my mom. I feel that she accompanies me everywhere. She was always so fond of her daughters. Everywhere she came she showed us pictures. During her last days I was able to get on the bed in the guest room. She suddenly came in and said: "Come out of that bed, you must enjoy life and have no sorrow. I have to go almost but you have to live!!" It's really that life energy and optimism that I always want to remember. She did everything she could for us. I am very grateful to her! It is and remains the most beautiful mom ever! And of course her fist with the words that forever resonate in my heart..."Come on Valérieken, I want, I can and I will!! "Yes mommy ... FOREVER AND EVER!!!! I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK!!!!"

The letter for my mother during the funeral

Dearest mother, you were and remain such a beautiful mother, such a powerful woman, you were always there for me! Nothing was too much! Almost two years ago, I made my dream come true and moved to Italy. You were so proud of me! You supported me through everything! The unconditional love I always received from you was so heavenly. This could not be replaced by anyone. Your infectious smile, the power you radiated with your eyes and the optimism by which you went through life. I am so proud of you! Your power, your strength and your energy... I take it with me in everything I will do in my life!

You have fought enormously during your last month. Every time I said: "Mom, come on... fight!" And then you showed your fist to me and said: "Valleke, I keep thinking positive!" You wanted to keep fighting for dad and for us, your daughters. So much respect that I have for you... despite everything, you stayed so strong!

Three months ago, I said: "Mom, you look so good again, you will become 80 and you will still see my marriage and my children." "Who could ever think that you would leave us now?" But I know mom, in everything I'll ever do, you'll be there!

Our oyster moments, your delicious fries, the coffee moments at home... I will cherish forever!!!

Dear, beautiful mom, you are in my heart forever... I love you so much!

Your dearest daughter, Valérieken xxx

Valérie Gerardi - www.theultimatestep.be - I guide people in embracing their true strength, their true essence, their very deepest truth!! -