Overcoming Toxic Emotions So That You're The Best Version

At the weekend we were really sorry to witness a young gentleman threatening to take his own life. This is a shout out to all men out there that are bottling feelings up. You are not alone. It’s OK to emote. Other men are secretly getting help.

I was driving along a dual carriageway and at first couldn’t comprehend what I was seeing. As I approached the bridge, at first?it looked as though the man was simply taking time out to observe the scenery. My daughter thought he was a traffic cop. However, as I drove closer I realised he was stood on the wrong side of the barrier.

He was perched on the ledge of the bridge. His shoes were dangerously hanging over the edge. He had his hands in his pockets and was staring down blankly at the road.

As we passed under the bridge I realised what I just seen. All I could think was,?Don’t jump! Don’t jump!?I immediately dialled 999. When I spoke to the call handler I could hardly get my shaky words out. My husband was desperately searching the map on sat nav to identify which bridge we’d just driven under, when she said that several other people had called in too.

I began frantically looking for a junction for us to come off as I drove further in the opposite direction. I wanted to go back and help. God knows what I thought I was going to do, but it was one of those moments when you realise that seconds and minutes really matter. I wondered how long he’d been up there, but also how long it would take for the police to arrive.

Then several moments later a police car went flying past in the opposite direction. I almost burst into tears with relief.

In the evening I found it hard to shift the sadness I felt for this man and started to wonder how it had got to this point for him. Deep down, I knew what led to people ending up this way; every once in a while my executive coaching clients stray into this territory.

The infamous Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, is where on average 30 people commit suicide each year. The majority of people die but those that survive have said that the minute their hand left the rail of the bridge, they regretted it immediately.

We have a saying in our house which is ‘states of mind come and go like a bad smell’. Sometimes it’s a case of riding those feelings out, knowing that they will end at some point. On other occasions it’s time to get help.

I have what I refer to as my ‘Secret Men's Club’. It’s not really a club but I call it that because when men come to session, they end up talking about their inner most thoughts and processing feelings that they wouldn’t want anyone to know about.

Years ago I went to an event, where the great and the good of my city were penned in behind a white picket fence of a VIP area. There were a dozen or so men giving me sideways glances as if to say, ‘Don’t approach me, I don’t want other people knowing that I’ve worked with you.’

This is because, when they signed up for coaching they wanted to optimise their success, productivity or performance. All very safe, strong and macho topics. Discussions around their wellbeing and connections to the results they are getting are often not mentioned early on in their agenda. This is because they’ve not yet realised that it’s inner stuff, (state of mind, limiting beliefs and feelings) getting in the way of outer stuff (behaviours and results).

My clients rarely tell anyone about their coaching because there is still a stigma around men talking about their feelings. Things are getting better when it comes to mental health, but even some of my female clients can find it hard to let their barrier down. Often they’ve just been strong for too long, until in the end they reach a tipping point.

As my clients unbottle they will say things like ‘I have never told anyone about this before’. I reassure them that my office walls have heard many similar stories and that they are safe. I even set up a podcast?Exec. Inside(r) Secrets ?to help people realise that most humans, male and female have limiting beliefs, behaviours and feelings and that you can resolve them. They are outdated programmes set up in our childhood, which no longer serve us and can be got rid of using Havening!

Men and women are made to emote. Our feelings trigger our behaviour. Then we can get trapped in a cycle of not carrying out the undesired behaviour and supressing the feeling, which damages our wellbeing. Pretending that we don’t have feelings is the equivalent of taking a warning light bulb out of a dashboard and hoping that the problem will go away.

As we continued to our destination I explained to my daughter that what we just witnessed was quite upsetting and if she wanted to talk about it we could do. This is because, feelings that don’t get processed effectively stay with us and then get re-triggered when our brain spots a similar context. In my mind, I was thinking that I didn’t want my daughter to become anxious during car journeys or passing under a bridge going forward.

On Sunday evening my daughter approached me and said that she was struggling to stop thinking about the poor guy on the bridge. She knows the routine now. I asked her if she would like to haven it. She delayed going out to play with her friends for 20 minutes and we got to work.

Havening is one of the most calming and simple techniques I’ve been trained to use. You simply:

1. Think about the *event momentarily.
2. Score the level of feelings you have about this event out of ten. Ten is the strongest negative feeling you could have.
3. Then rub the palms of your hands together for 7 minutes, whilst distracting yourself. My daughter watched another episode of?Come Dine With Me.
4. Repeat steps 1–3 above until your score reduces to zero. Zero means you have no feelings about the event. Instead, it has become a fact as opposed to an emotionally charged memory which is triggering a negative belief, behaviour or feeling in you.

*Please seek out a qualified Havening Practitioner for traumatic events.

My daughter was right as rain afterwards and happily trotted off out to play.

In my book?Inner Brilliance · Outer Shine: 10 Antidotes to Imposter Syndrome, Workaholism and Stress , I explain that we are like ships travelling to a destination and sometimes we have too much baggage on board which creates drag. This tarnishes our shine, makes us inefficient and ineffective because we are weighed down by limiting beliefs behaviours and feelings. One of the antidotes to this is to use Havening to lighten your load, enabling you to ‘shine’ as you travel towards ‘Destination Joy’…whatever that might be for you.

When I talk about Havening to people some say they can’t be bothered and don’t have the time. However I will challenge them by questioning how much time, effort and energy does it take to suppress or distract yourself from those feelings and behaviours. Why not just get rid of them in the first place?

If this is you why not?book a free coaching discovery session .

If you’re wondering what happened to the guy on the bridge, he was saved and received treatment. Aren’t our police force living heroes? Facing and dealing with trauma like that on a daily basis. I take my hat off to them.