Overcoming Resistance

One of the most common challenges that I see families struggling with involves dealing with parental resistance. As our parents age, a role reversal happens where we as the adult children start acting as a caregiver for our parents. At first, this might start with small errands or phone calls to check in on them. As things progress, eldercare responsibilities may start encroaching on "work time" and eventually may require taking time off work to attend to care needs. Managing a career with eldercare responsibilities certainly is stressful even in the best of times, but that stress can be magnified when the parent is being uncooperative or is resistant to suggestions intended to keep them safe.

From my experience in working with families facing these issues, here are my top 5 tips for overcoming resistance and in turn, reducing your stress:

1. Start the conversation early - don't wait for a crisis to happen to start talking about making changes. Start the conversation in a light way, when no decisions need to be made quickly. Plant the seed and give your parent time to consider things for themselves. You may get some initial resistance and if you do, don't push too hard. These early decisions are about opening the door to future conversations, not making immediate decisions.
2. Present options and involve them in the decision making process - give your parents as much control as possible over the decision. Review the pros and cons of the options and make it clear that they have choices. The more ownership they have over a decision, the more likely they are to feel positive about it when it comes time to make the change.
3. Address specific concerns - it is important to understand the root cause of the resistance which may not always be readily apparent. Ask questions and listen carefully to their objections and the underlying emotions behind the resistance. Consider what solutions or assurances might alleviate these concerns. For example, resistance sometimes stems from fear of the unknown. If you're trying to convince a parent to get home care, frame it as a trial week to allow them to experience what it's like to have some help. If you're trying to convince a parent to downsize and move to a senior's residence, arrange for a trial stay over a weekend or a week.
4. Talk to others - Two angles here: talk to others you know who have gone through a similar experience to learn how they overcame parental resistance. Caregivers have a lot of learnings to share. Second, get some expert opinion which may influence your parent's way of thinking. Will they listen to the advice of a doctor or financial planner to alleviate their concerns?
5. Be patient and persistent - Family caregiving is a long term endeavour and every decision is just one step of the journey. Overcoming resistance takes time but don't give up. Persistence combined with empathy and understanding can lead to a positive outcome for all.

Lastly, if you work for a company, enquire whether there is an employee resource group where family caregivers can share learnings and support each other (and if there isn't one, consider starting such a group!). These informal groups are a good way to get some support at work.

Hope this has been helpful! I'll be posting regularly here on topics to help the sandwich generation balance work with eldercare issues, with a goal to inform and share resources.