Overcoming prejudice: personal history key for men to try therapy

Diana Maatouk , Psy.D/Ph.D

Men don’t cry.

Men don’t wear their hearts on their sleeves.

Men don’t carry around trauma, they’re too busy thinking about the workday in front of them, or the pretty girl they met last night at the bar, or if their favorite sports team is going to win the big game Saturday.

Men definitely don’t need to waste time in therapy.

These are among the many stereotypes that drag men down emotionally, establish stereotypes that can be painfully damaging, and limit their ability to evolve past the imperfections of their early lives into emotionally mature, adaptive, healthy and happy individuals.

Many men are relentlessly taught to be tough, to never cry, heck, to show any emotion, in fear of being labeled as a sissy, weak, or something even more derogatory.?

The Myths of Men in Therapy

As children, we learn from our elders, and for men that typically means their fathers, older brothers, and other older male relatives. While our mothers are the ones who care for men when they are young, the behaviors they seek to emulate - a purely evolutionary reaction - are the grownup versions of themselves. Thus, when a father tells a son he’s a baby if he cries after hurting his knee or an older boy calls him a sissy for refusing to get involved in a fight, these identities get rooted into a mans’ psyche.

Any behavior that the man associates with women, such as crying about feelings, talking to a therapist, or becoming emotional about something that has happened in the past are viewed as unfitting the definition of what a man is, and thus unwelcome and unwanted.

Unfortunately statistics and studies paint a far different picture.

A study spanning 29 modern countries found that 1 out of every 2 people will develop a mental health disorder by age 75, with the two most common affecting men being depression and alcohol abuse. Men are also far more at risk to commit suicide, almost four times as likely to take their own lives as women are. This often comes as a result of bottling up emotions, refusing to address trauma, and using detrimental forms of behavior such as drugs, alcohol, and other addictive behaviors that provide short-term relief but come with long-term side effects that can be even worse than the original issue.?

These issues are often compounded for men who come from cultures that denounce the idea of a ‘sensitive man’ such as Hispanic, Middle Eastern, and African heritages. Men who are gay, bisexual, or identify as anything other than heterosexuals, also struggle with the shame of who they are, and often would rather suffer alone than seek out the help of a professional.

Men also believe they don’t need therapy because their emotional / psychological struggles manifest differently than those typically seen in women. While a woman might feel sad, lonely, or depressed when they are struggling, the same symptoms in men can take the form of irritation, aggression, and anger.

Making Therapy “OK” for Men

Whether you are a man seeking reassurance that therapy is right for you or you know a man who is struggling somewhere in his life and doesn’t know where to turn for help, there are several steps you can take to present the idea of therapy as both safe and acceptable:

1. It’s just an hour. The first time you talk to a therapist, your only commitment is for roughly one? hour of time, during which you can ask as many questions as you want, share as much (or as little) information about yourself as possible, and see what sort of commonality or connection you have with the therapist. It’s not unlike a first date or a business lunch in that regard. You get to know the other person to see if there is a connection there that might lend to building a relationship that helps you in the future. After the hour is over, there is no obligation to ever speak to that person ever again if you don’t think it will be beneficial.
2. Anonymity guaranteed: Plenty of people, men included, fear even walking into a therapist’s waiting room. What if they see someone they know? What if they see their boss? Or their mother-in-law? While these fears are usually unfounded, today’s therapists have taken the extra step to ensure total comfort and confidentiality for all patients, offering as well virtual appointments through video calls. This allows a man to sit on his own couch, in his car, or anywhere else he feels totally at ease for the therapy session.
3. Your health is worth it: Many men struggle with the idea that they deserve a better life than what they saw their older male relatives endure. If their fathers were workaholics with a drinking problem, some men will subconsciously think that’s the life that they’re going to earn, even if it’s not the one that they want. The chance to share doubts, feelings, worries, and so forth with a stranger is often the catalyst men need to finally open up against issues plaguing them, because they don’t have to worry about being judged or having the therapist share information with others.

A secure environment in every sense of the word is pivotal in helping men reach the comfort level of beginning to share their worries and frustrations...because men too get hurt.